Look..I know people

Well, things in my life have become very, very hectic lately, as I have recently become very, very famous. Some of you haters have been saying things like "JENN you ARE NOT FAMOUS. Your uncle is in a movie, NOT YOU" to which I just smile smugly and shake my head condescendingly because you little people have no idea what it is like to be a celebrity. Really, it is hard being a public figure; I thought that I could finally have some peace and anonymity here in Bloomington, but it was not to be. While I have not actually seen the paparazzi who I am positive have been following me, I know they are there and just very, very good at hiding (they're professionals, guys). And I normally refuse autographs, but professors have simply been INSISTING all week that I sign my name for them (weirdly enough they all have me autographing these scrap pieces of paper with the IU Honor Code on it- I think it might be a paper shortage or something). So since everyone wants a piece of me, I have decided to answer a few questions for the fans.

QUESTION: Wait, Jenn...what the hell are you talking about.
ME: Well, clearly you don't keep up with the news, and are therefore an irresponsible American. I'll humor you, BUT JUST THIS ONCE. So, my uncle is in a movie! It is entitled "Glory Road", and he plays a basketball announcer! And he has lines! And he was in the trailer! And they played the clip of him doing the play-by-play the other day on the Today Show! And I almost stabbed myself with my toothbrush as I ran out of the bathroom because I heard my uncle's voice! But I will not hold him responsible for that injury!

QUESTION: Well, tell us some more about this alleged "uncle"...and also is this like the time that you claimed Sir Anthony Hopkins was your 2nd cousin?
ME: Ok, it has neither been confirmed nor denied that Sir Tony is related to me. I repeat..he has not ever denied it, so take from that what you will. To answer the other less RUDE part of your question his name is Dave Cohen, and he is my mom's older brother and some of you MIGHT remember him from my Bat-Mitzvah or other functions (you'd know him because he is the only member of my family with a World Series ring. Although I'm sure I have some great aunts who favor large jewelry, but that's neither here nor there.) He is a sportscaster, he used to work for the Yankees and other sports teams which I would name here if not for my personal creed of not providing evidence for people so they can know how ignorant I am of certain subjects (let them gather that information on their own). He does a lot of voice-overs and commercials and modeling in print ads (there is nothing weirder than having the TV on and all of a sudden hearing a family member's voice. Well, I suppose seeing a family member on America's Most Wanted is MUCH weirder, and not nearly as nice. So let's count our blessings). And you can read about him here and ponder just how much genetics royally screwed me over in terms of vocal abilities.

QUESTION: So what is the most exciting thing about all of this?
ME: Since I am of the opinion that you are only successful in life once you have an entry at IMDB, I am going to say that seeing his page there is the most exciting thing.

QUESTION: Wait, what about all of the important people who are stil amazing but aren't on IMDB!??! Like Mother Teresa!!?? Or JFK!?!? Plus your parents are successful, don't they matter?
ME: No. They don't count at all. In fact I had forgotten about all those people until you mentioned this. You're no one until I can do a cross-reference search for you and Brian Austin Green.


PS: Mother Teresa can be found here.