More fun than a barrel full of ...oh God I'm going to be sick

So when I say “man…today was one of those days”, you should know by now that my rough/weird days are about a bajilliothousand rougher and/or, but probably and, weirder than the average human’s rough/weird days.

Hold on one sec-I hope the ridiculously loud woman with the horrifying bleach job is enjoying reading this blog entry over my shoulder as I type it in the computer lab. I can see you reading as I type these very words. Ha, goodbye, go yell in another designated quiet area please.

Ok, back to business.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006:

- Woke up late at precisely 8:43 after 2 hours of sleep. I can feel my eyeballs getting ready to strike as I head to the bathroom (i.e. where the Dreaded Hard Contact Lenses live. Now, right here as I am writing this sentence is when I come to the realization that there’s no cute little saying for green eyes. If you have blue eyes you can call them “baby-blues” and not repeat the word eyeballs again. Or if you have dark eyes you can pun it out, something like “wow, those plastic torture devices sure make my brown eyes blue” which would be so very clever and witty and, I’m going to come right out and say it, charming. What do I say about my eyes? This hardly seems fair, it’s not even like they’re hazel, the bastard child of the iris color spectrum. Sorry, it’s true. You’re either brown or green; pick a side, Switzerland. Ok before I get hate mail from a bunch of murky-eyed people, just know that this is coming from a place of extreme frustration. Today has not been good. Just blink back those tears and know that I love you-besides, I know my eyes always look even greener when they’re bloodshot from crying, so I just did you a favor. You’re welcome!).


-Switch on TV (the one in my bedroom is literally always tuned to CNN. Seriously, I don’t even know where the remote is, there’s no use for it. I know when I wake up it’s Miles and Soledad, when I get home from class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, Wolf is signing off and Lou “The Bush Administration Is Going To Literally Give Me A Heart-Attack If I Don’t Calm Down And Move To A Secluded Beach Away From Wire-Taps And Arab-Owned Ports And Not-So-Sharp-Shootin’ VP’s As Soon As Physically Possible” Dobbs is coming on to raise his blood-pressure just a little bit more.). The CNN morning show is live from New Orleans. Within exactly 8 minutes of waking up I am seeing Soledad O’Brien ALONE with only a camera man on Bourbon Street, being accosted by people who are still out from the night before, never, EVER a good thing, and who are still drunk and have absolutely zero interest in the, and I swear to God this is fact, strands of green Mardi Gras beads with big white plastic disks that say “CNN” on them, that Soledad is trying to hand out. Lady, these people need two things right now: a place to throw up and a damn FEMA trailer. They don’t want your effing beads. But apparently they DO also want to show their asses on national television, which is what one winner does as he practically pushes Soledad over as he clamors to get in front of her to PULL HIS PANTS DOWN, which he succeeds in doing as Soledad just stares open-mouthed, clutching her precious “CNNecklaces”-patent pending, witness that this is mine, ya’ll. And for some reason which I’m still unclear about, the camera guy doesn’t. Change. Shots. He just lingers on this image of Soledad O’Brien on screen with a drunk man’s nether-region. Perhaps this camera man knew how much Americans like to view the ass of a stranger before their morning coffee. Or maybe he’s aware of some kind of FCC code that grants immunity from decency standards if your city is practically wiped off the face of the earth and you get no help from the government and there are dead people floating in the streets, but everyone forgets about you for months until a holiday rolls around where Snoop Dogg can show up and video-tape women exposing themselves for plastic jewelry that we were all given as kids to play dress-up with and we didn’t need to exchange our dignity for them. But who’s to say.
I had to shut off this broadcast for the record books and dash out to class just as Miles O’Brien said, referring to a man who had left Louisiana after Katrina but returned for the Zulu parade that he had attended every year since it began, “Wow, that’s really wonderful; he lost his house, but he still has the same spot to watch the parade that he’s had for years. That’s terrific.”


-Realized I might be the only ethical person in my media ethics class. It looks like in ten years my classmates will all be rich and successful and soul-less, and I’LL be the one shivering on the street corner with a Welfare check. But I’ll have my ethics and morals to keep me warm, so…I think we know who wins.


-Watched a video on small-pox AGAIN. Started scratching forearms violently AGAIN. Cursed myself for taking a class entitled “Plagues, Viruses, and Diseases” after I’d given up the good anti-anxiety meds. AGAIN.


-Had what had to have been one of the top five worst experiences of my life in my Bio-anthropology class. We had to watch 20 minutes of raw footage taken by primatologists and do a lab about it. What was the video of? Oh, you know, chimpanzees…..HUNTING, KILLING, AND EATING MONKEYS.
OH MY GOD I AM SERIOUS DID YOU KNOW THEY DID THIS?! AND IF SO WHY DIDN’T ANYONE WARN ME??! Oh GOD, I am still shook up about it, I am reliving it right now. It was seriously the worst thing I have ever witnessed-when they are hunting there’s this terrible, sickening screaming sound coming from the monkeys and this violent chase through the trees. And once they caught them…well, I won’t tell you how they killed them , because I know I’m traumatized by it, and I wouldn’t want to inflict any of this anguish on you, my friends. Except to say that they grip the monkey’s neck and suffocate it by putting the monkey’s entire head into their mouth, so the body is thrashing about until it finally just dangles there lifeless as the chimp descends the tree. Or sometimes they just, you know, start eating it alive. I don’t even feel bad about telling you that; I had to view it and I will never be the same again. For real. I don’t quote Mr. Henley as often as I should, but this truly was “the end, this is the end of the innocence”. And while we’re on the subject of prolific song lyrics, I always thought “Loser” by Beck was just crazy gibberish, until the first line popped into my head as I watched this massacre: “In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey.” GOD, Beck, I so get it. NOW I understand. If there are chimpanzees around…YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE A MONKEY YOU GUYS. Plus it was shot on a hand-held camera that was shaking and kept getting dropped like crazy. “Blair Witch Primate”. THE WORST THING EVER.




I’m off to my last class right now, and I am HOPING the weirdness of this day stops now, because really, I’ve paid my dues. We’re doing Dylan in Rock History. Thank the sweet, sweet Lord. Awww, “My Sweet Lord”…George Harrison…Beatles class. Every blog entry comes right back to the Beatles, even if it began with monkeys being eaten and Soledad O’Brien sharing airwaves with a guy’s ass.

Something wicked this way comes...

Ok, so, there have been rumblings about this for a couple of months, but I laughed it off. Then the rumblings got louder and today as I stumbled into good old Ernie Pyle Hall at 9 am with my eyes barely open I saw official confirmation in the form of a neon yellow paper tacked up on the message board, and my day immediately took a turn for the horrific.

BECAUSE:

Ann Coulter is coming to IU.

I'll repeat:
ANN COULTER.
COMING TO IU.

Union Board, what are you trying to do here? This can only end badly. The idea that my tuition money is ending up anywhere near this wench makes me want to die a billion deaths. I don't know a single CONSERVATIVE/REPUBLICAN person who takes her seriously, and right-wingers are not really THAT prominent on this campus, surprising when you consider that we are in the heartland here (oh, clearly the crazy "reverend" who stands outside of Ballentine, identifying the "fornicators" and yelling at female students that he wants to, and this is a direct quote, "impregnate you with the 'rod of God'" is just a delightful little reminder of how cute the religious right is). Look, normally I respect my friends who have different political views, even the super conservative ones; I think in some cases it's possible to put aside political viewpoints and just be friends. HOWEVER, if you like/agree with ANYTHING that this walking advert for White Trash Gone Wild has to say? Kindly click the "x" on the top right corner of the screen and never speak to me again. Anyone who agrees that women shouldn't be allowed to vote and we should kill all the Muslims, and that it's hilarious to perpetuate this disturbing, irresponsible, and dangerous split between the Republicans and Democrats in this country (and it benefits no one-when your elected officials are too busy cutting down the other side to actually pass any legislature that could aid your community and country, no one wins, people- and Coulter thinks it's great) is someone I don't want on my planet, let alone in my life.

Look, I don't know why in the hell we don't take Ann Coulter seriously (all images courtesy of her OFFICIAL website, by the way. Not shocking, as all serious political activists often post pictures of themselves wearing BLACK LEATHER MINIDRESSES) . She has a lot to offer us as a country, besides split ends, a face that only a mother could love (unfortunate for Ann, as she was clearly the spawn of Satan and some crap he found on the bottom of his hoof and decided to copulate with), opinions about different races and religions that would make a KKK member feel hesitant, and views about women so antiquated that in order to find textual evidence for her hate-mongering she has to go so far back that her footnotes reference cave paintings (not surprising, as I often feel the urge to club her over the head and drag her by her hair someplace).

In preparation for what I'm sure will be a successful visit to Bloomington, Indiana, which was recently named one of the most gay-friendly cities in the US, by the way (and, as I think we all know, if there's one thing gay people love, it's those caring, right-wing sweethearts who care so much about the well being of homosexuals that they are kind enough to let them know that they are all going to hell, but while they're here on earth, their relationships don't count, but enjoy the free AIDS that God has provided in exchange for their sins), please join me in recounting some of Coulter's greatest hits (when I put out the CD, I'll include the extended "My Looks, Which Were Typical And Boring At Best, Are Fading, But My Hateful, Ignorant Rhetoric Is Forever" Disco Mix, so don't worry). The following are actual quotes from America's Sweetheart-my commentary, aka The Voice Of Reason, Which Is Crazy Because Compared To Pretty Much Everyone Else I Am Hardly Reasonable, is provided in italics:

"The Republican Party emerged from the Whigs when the Whigs waffled on slavery. (They were "pro-choice" on slavery.) The Republican Party was founded expressly as the anti-slavery party, which to a great extent remains their position today. " (I'll bet every 4th grader can tell you that the Republican Party of Lincoln's time is not the same one of today. It's nice to know that, according to The Beast, most Republicans oppose OWNING OTHER PEOPLE AS PROPERTY, at least, you know, TO A GREAT EXTENT. Shut up, Beast.)

"Or, as I believe our motto should be after 9/11: Jihad monkey talks tough; jihad monkey takes the consequences. Sorry, I realize that's offensive. How about "camel jockey"? What? Now what'd I say? Boy, you tent merchants sure are touchy. Grow up, would you?" (Racial slurs: ruining all arguments that morons have been attempting to make since 1647)

"God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees. God said, 'Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It's yours.'" (Somewhere, God's busy compiling one hell of a libel suit. Tsk, tsk Annie. Don't misquote the almighty. That's straight up J100 stuff.)

To a disabled Vietnam vet: "People like you caused us to lose that war." (Can't argue with this one-all historians agree that the reason we had trouble in Vietnam was because of those sneaky 18 year old boys who infiltrated the army, lived in the jungle, and got their legs blown off. To really stick it to the US. Shut up, Beast.)

"I think [women] should be armed but should not [be allowed to] vote. No, they all have to give up their vote, not just, you know, the lady clapping and me. The problem with women voting -- and your Communists will back me up on this -- is that, you know, women have no capacity to understand how money is earned. They have a lot of ideas on how to spend it. And when they take these polls, it's always more money on education, more money on child care, more money on day care." Hehehehe, what a little darling. It's so true! IF ONLY women and men were BOTH equipped with brains, because, while I do enjoy the empty space in my skull where I can keep my lipstick and back issues of Cosmo, it would be great to know how to, say, balance a budget (teach me George Bush, teach me!) or what those funny faces and numbers on that green paper means. Education IS stupid! Not only should we not spend any more money on it, but it shouldn't be provided to anyone with two X chromosomes! And I don't understand why those damn women folk are always talking about child care. Clearly that's just a woman's issue and doesn't belong in politics. Or at the office-you'd think that the whole not paying women as much as me for doing the same job thing would give them the hint.

"Soon feminists took up the issue of girl-firemen, demanding to know what possible arguments there were, pray tell, for women not to be firemen. (A short list: their inability to pick up the hose, their tendency to cry and panic when confronted with dangerous situations, the effect on families whose homes are on fire when they open the door and see the female equivalent of Michael Dukakis in a tank.) " (Wait...does she know she's a woman? I'm not sure...I guess I'm just confused by this. Somehow I doubt that a woman would choose to become a fire-fighter if FIRES had a tendency to make her cry and panic, but ok. Judging from her wording, I think she rejects the idea because trying to figure out what to call them hurts her simple woman brain. Girl-fireman? Lady policeman? What to do, it's so CONFUSING.)

"Anorexics never have boyfriends. ... That's one way to know you don't have anorexia, if you have a boyfriend." FINALLY, a reason to not have an eating disorder-if you do boys won't like you! Physical suffering and eventual death just wasn't good enough to get the millions of women dealing with this to be cured. The thought of being dateless on a Saturday night? Problem solved! Also, you know what other group of women don't have boyfriends? Hateful, evil bitches.

"I have to say I'm all for public flogging. One type of criminal that a public humiliation might work particularly well with are the juvenile delinquents, a lot of whom consider it a badge of honor to be sent to juvenile detention. And it might not be such a cool thing in the 'hood to be flogged publicly." This one is fun. At first you think she means "flogging" in a figurative sense. But not our Annie! She wants children to be publicly beaten. Ah, that's why she's our national treasure!

"My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times Building." Really? I guess my only regret is that HE BOMBED OKLAHOMA CITY. But, whatev, different strokes.

"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war." Because Christianity has always been known as a peace-loving religion, as opposed to Islam. I don't even have the energy to fight it out. All I'll says is blah blah blah Crusades blah blah blah Spanish Inquisition blah blah blah it's always nice to condone killing civilians blah blah blah.

"Press passes can't be that hard to come by if the White House allows that old Arab Helen Thomas to sit within yards of the President." It's just offensive that His Holy Honor The President has to be in the same room as minorities at all. Can you blame him for taking so long to get to New Orleans?

Americans don't want to make Islamic fanatics love us. We want to make them die. There's nothing like horrendous physical pain to quell anger. Japanese Kamikazes pilots hated us once, too. A couple of well-aimed nuclear weapons got their attention. Now they are gentle little lambs." I have ALWAYS been an advocate for using nuclear weapons to get children to behave, so clearly I see her point here. I also think that germ warfare is our best bet in dealing with road rage. Make all those angry drivers gentle little lambs. Gentle little lambs with smallpox.

"Kwanzaa itself is a lunatic blend of schmaltzy '60s rhetoric, black racism and Marxism. Indeed, the seven 'principles'of Kwanzaa praise collectivism in every possible arena of life – economics, work, personality, even litter removal." I'm confused about how Kwanzaa has ANY kind of effect on her, a white, Catholic woman.

So, I don't know what else to say, other than the fact that she just plain sucks. I'm not sure whether I should go see her spew her bile all over the IU Auditorium. On one hand, I'd love to see her ripped apart. On another, I can get PLENTY of her idiocy from the comfort of my own home. I'll leave you with one final gem:

"I love to engage in repartee with people stupider than I am." Oh, I hate to pick apart grammar, but there is just a blaring mistake in this sentence; you're missing the "would", sweetie. They way it is right now suggests that people that are "stupider" than you are currently exist. And that's just not the case.

Apparently, I was the one who wasn't Y2K compatible.

I broke my computer. The hard drive just plain DIED; one minute everything was totally copasetic and I left it in my room. Came back and it had some crazy ass message on the screen. Long story short, some guy named Andrew from hp who kind of sounded Indian until he said my name, and then he was a total Frenchman (“Jean-ee-fair”) and who seemed totally inappropriate when he was telling me to keep pressing the F8 key over and over again as I was re-booting (“keep doing it, keep doing it, don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop!”) is sending me a replacement hard drive. THAT I HAVE TO INSTALL BY MYSELF. I don’t even own a screwdriver- I have to literally go purchase one for this arduous task.

So I’m losing everything on my hard drive. All of this drama went down at around 11 pm, as I was gearing up to study for the TWO SCIENCE EXAMS THAT I HAD TODAY and lasted until about 2 am. Oh yeah, I was TOTALLY prepared for my tests. So at 2 am I decide to take a shower and wash my hair. Because when life gets way too hard, you should always deep-condition, that’s what I like to say. So as I am exfoliating my face a little too violently, I start thinking about what I will lose. And basically, all of my pictures from august until now are history. Everything that I wrote is gone (stuff for my literary journalism class got sent out to the entire class, so I have copies in e-mails at least. And my music? Gone. But, oh, don’t worry! I said to myself. You bought that program that gets the music off your iPod and onto the computer! All is not lost! And then I remembered that the last time I updated my iPod, I got tired of picking and choosing which of the 2899 songs on my computer to put on the iPod that only holds appx. 1075, so I JUST PUT ON THE PLAYLIST WITH MY MUSIC FOR MY ROCK HISTORY CLASS AND ONE OTHER PLAYLIST WITH ABOUT 20 OTHER SONGS. Everything else is gone.

But I still didn’t completely lose it because I figured that at least I had the music I really loved and needed to listen to for class. At least I have The Beatles! Except… I TOTALLY DON’T. I have about 4 songs. Out of hundreds. Oh, but not to worry! I have the CD’s here, right? Right?!?!?!

NO. NO I DO NOT. I HAVE THE WHITE ALBUM PRAISE GOD AND SOME OTHERS BUT NO REVOLVER!! No Sgt. Pepper, you guys. No George Harrison solo albums. All of these I brilliantly left home in an attempt to “pack lightly” when I came back from break (yet I packed 4 different jackets. WHAT AM I DOING IN LIFE.) because I figured they were on my computer and iPod so everything is cool. I want to just cry a million tears. I can’t go for more than 2 days without listening to “And Your Bird Can Sing” or “Doctor Robert”. I am physically incapable.

I don’t know what to do with this. Besides the glaringly obvious fact that there isn’t a chance in hell that I will be able to assemble a hard drive once it does get here, how am I expected to live without my laptop for over a week? I AM ALL ALONE HERE TO BEGIN WITH, AT LEAST BEFORE I HAD THE INTERNET TO KEEP ME COMPANY. No 4 am instant messages (with pictures! To show FEELINGS!) with Dan. Where am I supposed to look when I need to diagnose a disease? I have a huge project due on Anderson Cooper on Tuesday. I will have to spend my weekend at the Union using one of their computers because I am like a little orphan, with no technology of my own.

This might literally be the worst thing ever to happen to human beings.


DISCLAIMER: I keep trying to re-read this to see if I even formulated complete sentences, but I totally can't, as I am distracted by both the fact that I got a whopping 1.5 hours of sleep last night, AND by the fact that the rain has caused my hair to completely morph textures-it pretty much looks I have a perm right now, not kidding, tis BAD NEWS, AND the fact that I can't believe that I actually remembered Koch's postulates regarding vaccination/the 4 diseases caused by herpes/anything really for my Plagues and Viruses test this morning. AND I'm confused by the guy sitting across from me in the computer lab who looks and is dressed exactly like the guy from "Fast Times At Ridgemont High" how gets Jennifer Jason Leigh pregnant-you know, the one who scalps the tickets? So don't judge me based on this entry, please. In fact, don't judge me at all-think about how I apparently have the power to break electronic devices using just my MIND.