Something wicked this way comes...

Ok, so, there have been rumblings about this for a couple of months, but I laughed it off. Then the rumblings got louder and today as I stumbled into good old Ernie Pyle Hall at 9 am with my eyes barely open I saw official confirmation in the form of a neon yellow paper tacked up on the message board, and my day immediately took a turn for the horrific.

BECAUSE:

Ann Coulter is coming to IU.

I'll repeat:
ANN COULTER.
COMING TO IU.

Union Board, what are you trying to do here? This can only end badly. The idea that my tuition money is ending up anywhere near this wench makes me want to die a billion deaths. I don't know a single CONSERVATIVE/REPUBLICAN person who takes her seriously, and right-wingers are not really THAT prominent on this campus, surprising when you consider that we are in the heartland here (oh, clearly the crazy "reverend" who stands outside of Ballentine, identifying the "fornicators" and yelling at female students that he wants to, and this is a direct quote, "impregnate you with the 'rod of God'" is just a delightful little reminder of how cute the religious right is). Look, normally I respect my friends who have different political views, even the super conservative ones; I think in some cases it's possible to put aside political viewpoints and just be friends. HOWEVER, if you like/agree with ANYTHING that this walking advert for White Trash Gone Wild has to say? Kindly click the "x" on the top right corner of the screen and never speak to me again. Anyone who agrees that women shouldn't be allowed to vote and we should kill all the Muslims, and that it's hilarious to perpetuate this disturbing, irresponsible, and dangerous split between the Republicans and Democrats in this country (and it benefits no one-when your elected officials are too busy cutting down the other side to actually pass any legislature that could aid your community and country, no one wins, people- and Coulter thinks it's great) is someone I don't want on my planet, let alone in my life.

Look, I don't know why in the hell we don't take Ann Coulter seriously (all images courtesy of her OFFICIAL website, by the way. Not shocking, as all serious political activists often post pictures of themselves wearing BLACK LEATHER MINIDRESSES) . She has a lot to offer us as a country, besides split ends, a face that only a mother could love (unfortunate for Ann, as she was clearly the spawn of Satan and some crap he found on the bottom of his hoof and decided to copulate with), opinions about different races and religions that would make a KKK member feel hesitant, and views about women so antiquated that in order to find textual evidence for her hate-mongering she has to go so far back that her footnotes reference cave paintings (not surprising, as I often feel the urge to club her over the head and drag her by her hair someplace).

In preparation for what I'm sure will be a successful visit to Bloomington, Indiana, which was recently named one of the most gay-friendly cities in the US, by the way (and, as I think we all know, if there's one thing gay people love, it's those caring, right-wing sweethearts who care so much about the well being of homosexuals that they are kind enough to let them know that they are all going to hell, but while they're here on earth, their relationships don't count, but enjoy the free AIDS that God has provided in exchange for their sins), please join me in recounting some of Coulter's greatest hits (when I put out the CD, I'll include the extended "My Looks, Which Were Typical And Boring At Best, Are Fading, But My Hateful, Ignorant Rhetoric Is Forever" Disco Mix, so don't worry). The following are actual quotes from America's Sweetheart-my commentary, aka The Voice Of Reason, Which Is Crazy Because Compared To Pretty Much Everyone Else I Am Hardly Reasonable, is provided in italics:

"The Republican Party emerged from the Whigs when the Whigs waffled on slavery. (They were "pro-choice" on slavery.) The Republican Party was founded expressly as the anti-slavery party, which to a great extent remains their position today. " (I'll bet every 4th grader can tell you that the Republican Party of Lincoln's time is not the same one of today. It's nice to know that, according to The Beast, most Republicans oppose OWNING OTHER PEOPLE AS PROPERTY, at least, you know, TO A GREAT EXTENT. Shut up, Beast.)

"Or, as I believe our motto should be after 9/11: Jihad monkey talks tough; jihad monkey takes the consequences. Sorry, I realize that's offensive. How about "camel jockey"? What? Now what'd I say? Boy, you tent merchants sure are touchy. Grow up, would you?" (Racial slurs: ruining all arguments that morons have been attempting to make since 1647)

"God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees. God said, 'Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It's yours.'" (Somewhere, God's busy compiling one hell of a libel suit. Tsk, tsk Annie. Don't misquote the almighty. That's straight up J100 stuff.)

To a disabled Vietnam vet: "People like you caused us to lose that war." (Can't argue with this one-all historians agree that the reason we had trouble in Vietnam was because of those sneaky 18 year old boys who infiltrated the army, lived in the jungle, and got their legs blown off. To really stick it to the US. Shut up, Beast.)

"I think [women] should be armed but should not [be allowed to] vote. No, they all have to give up their vote, not just, you know, the lady clapping and me. The problem with women voting -- and your Communists will back me up on this -- is that, you know, women have no capacity to understand how money is earned. They have a lot of ideas on how to spend it. And when they take these polls, it's always more money on education, more money on child care, more money on day care." Hehehehe, what a little darling. It's so true! IF ONLY women and men were BOTH equipped with brains, because, while I do enjoy the empty space in my skull where I can keep my lipstick and back issues of Cosmo, it would be great to know how to, say, balance a budget (teach me George Bush, teach me!) or what those funny faces and numbers on that green paper means. Education IS stupid! Not only should we not spend any more money on it, but it shouldn't be provided to anyone with two X chromosomes! And I don't understand why those damn women folk are always talking about child care. Clearly that's just a woman's issue and doesn't belong in politics. Or at the office-you'd think that the whole not paying women as much as me for doing the same job thing would give them the hint.

"Soon feminists took up the issue of girl-firemen, demanding to know what possible arguments there were, pray tell, for women not to be firemen. (A short list: their inability to pick up the hose, their tendency to cry and panic when confronted with dangerous situations, the effect on families whose homes are on fire when they open the door and see the female equivalent of Michael Dukakis in a tank.) " (Wait...does she know she's a woman? I'm not sure...I guess I'm just confused by this. Somehow I doubt that a woman would choose to become a fire-fighter if FIRES had a tendency to make her cry and panic, but ok. Judging from her wording, I think she rejects the idea because trying to figure out what to call them hurts her simple woman brain. Girl-fireman? Lady policeman? What to do, it's so CONFUSING.)

"Anorexics never have boyfriends. ... That's one way to know you don't have anorexia, if you have a boyfriend." FINALLY, a reason to not have an eating disorder-if you do boys won't like you! Physical suffering and eventual death just wasn't good enough to get the millions of women dealing with this to be cured. The thought of being dateless on a Saturday night? Problem solved! Also, you know what other group of women don't have boyfriends? Hateful, evil bitches.

"I have to say I'm all for public flogging. One type of criminal that a public humiliation might work particularly well with are the juvenile delinquents, a lot of whom consider it a badge of honor to be sent to juvenile detention. And it might not be such a cool thing in the 'hood to be flogged publicly." This one is fun. At first you think she means "flogging" in a figurative sense. But not our Annie! She wants children to be publicly beaten. Ah, that's why she's our national treasure!

"My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times Building." Really? I guess my only regret is that HE BOMBED OKLAHOMA CITY. But, whatev, different strokes.

"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war." Because Christianity has always been known as a peace-loving religion, as opposed to Islam. I don't even have the energy to fight it out. All I'll says is blah blah blah Crusades blah blah blah Spanish Inquisition blah blah blah it's always nice to condone killing civilians blah blah blah.

"Press passes can't be that hard to come by if the White House allows that old Arab Helen Thomas to sit within yards of the President." It's just offensive that His Holy Honor The President has to be in the same room as minorities at all. Can you blame him for taking so long to get to New Orleans?

Americans don't want to make Islamic fanatics love us. We want to make them die. There's nothing like horrendous physical pain to quell anger. Japanese Kamikazes pilots hated us once, too. A couple of well-aimed nuclear weapons got their attention. Now they are gentle little lambs." I have ALWAYS been an advocate for using nuclear weapons to get children to behave, so clearly I see her point here. I also think that germ warfare is our best bet in dealing with road rage. Make all those angry drivers gentle little lambs. Gentle little lambs with smallpox.

"Kwanzaa itself is a lunatic blend of schmaltzy '60s rhetoric, black racism and Marxism. Indeed, the seven 'principles'of Kwanzaa praise collectivism in every possible arena of life – economics, work, personality, even litter removal." I'm confused about how Kwanzaa has ANY kind of effect on her, a white, Catholic woman.

So, I don't know what else to say, other than the fact that she just plain sucks. I'm not sure whether I should go see her spew her bile all over the IU Auditorium. On one hand, I'd love to see her ripped apart. On another, I can get PLENTY of her idiocy from the comfort of my own home. I'll leave you with one final gem:

"I love to engage in repartee with people stupider than I am." Oh, I hate to pick apart grammar, but there is just a blaring mistake in this sentence; you're missing the "would", sweetie. They way it is right now suggests that people that are "stupider" than you are currently exist. And that's just not the case.