If you build it (and include voting spheres and crazy people)...they will come

Remember that lame, totally offensive and mortifyingly unfunny movie "As Good As It Gets"? The one that teaches us that OCD so debilitating that you can barely leave your apartment is HILARIOUS? And also you deserve an anxiety disorder if you're grumpy? I hated it (could you tell? Were you waiting for me to say "...but none of that matters because the predictable plot was a real charmer"?). Besides the aforementioned, what I disliked the most was the romantic relationship between Helen Hunt and Jack Nicholson. Were we really supposed to believe that they could be a couple? Please. No, I'm not talking about the age difference here. I'm talking about Helen Hunt ( or "A Poor Man's Jodie Foster, But Only If He Is So Poor That He Can't Afford Bridget Fonda" as I like to call her). Her forehead is INSANE, people. Plus she's whiny and her bangs look stupid and she over-acts to the point where she seems almost violent and she named her baby Makalaikalikila'lainika'lika or something like that because she like visited Hawaii ONCE. Jack Nicholson may be pushing 96, but in no way is Helen Hunt as good as it gets when it comes to his dating options.

So the point of all that was not to bash the movie or A.P.M.J.F.B.O.I.H.I.S.P.T.H.C.A.B.F. Remember the hilarious scene that was possibly supposed to be moving when Greg Kinnear is so inspired by the "beauty" of Helen Hunt that he breathlessly declares "I have to paint you!" and all of a sudden he is cured of all his injuries and his faith is restored, all because he gazed upon The Magical Forehead (it's kind of like the Shroud of Turin)? WELL I myself had a moment of divine inspiration the other day all thanks to FOX broadcasting and what I have determined, after much scientific and analytical research, was the single greatest television event since the moon landing.

Who watched "Unan1mous", you guys?

WAS IT NOT AMAZING?! OH MY GOD, my life was CHANGED. Amazing. AMAZING.

If you missed it, I will tell you all you need to know:
1. Contestants are locked underground in a bunker-type dwelling
2. They have to unanimously (although if it has to be unanimous, then why the "1" in the cutesy spelling of the title? it should be "UnanALLNOTONEimous". Clever!) decide who among them to give 1.5 million dollars to, and if anyone leaves then the money is cut in half.
3. They have voting SPHERES, you guys. Spheres. Jeff Probst is sitting on an island with a piece of notebook paper and construction paper taped around a magic marker to make it look "savage-ey" and like an authentic island magic marker, and these guys have magical voting spheres with dials and OH MY GOD IT IS SO GOOD I HOPE YOU WATCHED IT BECAUSE I NEED TO TALK IT OUT.
4. It is basically the greatest televised event since the moon landing. Seriously.

The show is intense to an INSANE degree-like you really believe that they will literally be stuck underground until they all vote unanimously. Like they could be stuck underground for 45 YEARS or MAYBE EVEN LONGER. Plus they have this ridiculous blue overhead lighting-it makes everyone nervous and ugly. FANTASTIC.

Now, if I were on this show, I would appeal to any kind of reasonable thinking and explain to my fellow contestants that there is no rational way to decide who is more deserving and we would just draw straws, a winner would be chosen, and the show would be over in 3 minutes and FOX would hate me but whatever, at least I wouldn't have to live in an underground bunker with lights that would make me look ugly. But since reality tv contestants are cast exclusively from a race of people known as Americans With Below Average Intelligence But A Highly And Falsely Elevated Sense Of Self (AWBAIBAHAFESOS's, and they are still waiting for their little bubble in the SAT personal info section), it was not to be (incidentally, we really need the AWBAIBAHFESOS's to join our alliance on the ground in Iraq, as more and more military folks speak up about the bad situation there; these fine human specimens won't understand that it's virtually un-winable, PLUS they will exude an arrogant self-confidence about their ability to be victorious. Plus, I think we all know that if we aren't willing to spit in the face of our enemies and fight for the love of washed-up rappers, then the terrorists have WON*.)

As if the show couldn't get any better, at the end of the last episode, they divulged the 347th twist in only 20 minutes- all the contestants have some kind of shameful "secret". But they are worded so weirdly that you really have no clue what the secret means- like one of the guys "spent time in a mental health facility" or something. Which could either mean that the guy felt a little down and needed some prozac...or he is going to kill you as you sleep in your little bunker and blame it on the 12th of his 42 different personalities. You don't know, and THERE IS THE FUN OF IT.

The show is on Wednesdays, and since everyone is secretly watching "American Idol" by themselves, too ashamed to admit it, just watch "Unan1mous", PLEASE. Just do it. It will change your life. I have even thought up a slogan for it: "Unan1mous: No one knows for sure that it doesn't cure cancer!"


*"Then the terrorists have won" is a registered trademark of the Bush administration. It's also the pending title of an in-production reality show that pits a team of Americans against Al Qaeda's finest- the Americans will be sent out into their daily lives, but if they unknowingly say or do anything on a list of 2192139839821391823182937198312897 things, a bell will ring signaling that their seemingly innocuous action has caused the victory of the terrorists, and therefore the inherent downfall of the USA and sweet, sweet freedom. Scientists are working day and night to resurrect Senator Joseph McCarthy to act as host, although Seacrest is hardly a bad second choice.

Guess Who's Back...

HEY FRIENDS REMEMBER ME!

Listen, I have not been able to update as I have been extremely busy spring-breaking. You didn't really expect me to take my laptop to Cancun did you? Exactly.

Of course that would have been awkward seeing as how I spent my vacation in Burke. It would have really pissed me off to have had to take my laptop to Cancun, leave it there for a week of beer bonging and sexual relations with gross frat boys, and then have to go pick it up again. Plus I could forsee an absolute disaster if there were any wet t-shirts left near the power cord.

This is going to possibly push you all over the edge, but I don't have time for one of my trademark Witty, Brilliant, and Sexy Blog Entries right now. I invite you to visit the archives for some Classic Jenn. You can re-live the time when I complained about classes. Or when I complained about my car. Or the president. Or Indiana. Or my health. If you want a challenge, you can try to find an entry where I mention the Beatles. But that might be tough. I suggest you try to find an entry with one or more numbers in the date.

DON'T BE TOO SAD because I will be back soon with my theory that Simon Cowell is a prophet, and my thoughts about how we should round up all the freshmen and keep them in a warehouse far away from me.

Why I Love Bob Dylan

Because his brain matter creates things like this:

Oh my name it is nothin'
My age it means less
The country I come from
Is called the Midwest
I's taught and brought up there
The laws to abide
And that land that I live in
Has God on its side.

Oh the history books tell it
They tell it so well
The cavalries charged
The Indians fell
The cavalries charged
The Indians died
Oh the country was young
With God on its side.

Oh the Spanish-AmericanWar had its day
And the Civil War too
Was soon laid away
And the names of the heroes
I's made to memorize
With guns in their hands
And God on their side.

Oh the First World War, boys
It closed out its fate
The reason for fightingI never got straight
But I learned to accept it
Accept it with pride
For you don't count the dead
When God's on your side.

When the Second World War
Came to an end
We forgave the Germans
And we were friends
Though they murdered six million
In the ovens they fried
The Germans now too
Have God on their side.

I've learned to hate Russians
All through my whole life
If another war starts
It's them we must fight
To hate them and fear them
To run and to hide
And accept it all bravely
With God on my side.

But now we got weapons
Of the chemical dust
If fire them we're forced to
Then fire them we must
One push of the button
And a shot the world wide
And you never ask questions
When God's on your side.

In a many dark hour
I've been thinkin' about this
That Jesus Christ
Was betrayed by a kiss
But I can't think for you
You'll have to decide
Whether Judas Iscariot
Had God on his side.

So now as I'm leavin'
I'm weary as Hell
The confusion I'm feelin'
Ain't no tongue can tell
The words fill my head
And fall to the floor
If God's on our side
He'll stop the next war.


And his genetic matter creates things like this:














GOD. I know, right?

I bet that if anyone who knew me in 8th grade is reading this right now, they just can not believe that 8 years later they still have to put up with me talking about this man. To them I say: please see above. Even if you are a heterosexual male, you have to admit that he is so, so pretty. Also, while I was searching for pictures, I came across this

issue of "Details" which I totally bought at CVS and who's cover hung on the wall above my bed in my room in high-school. Uh, and ps what happened to all those musicians!?? Remember Maxwell?! Just looking at this is making me angry at Jewel. Whatever, this was very not the point of this post. The point was to show my appreciation for a scrawny Jewish boy from the midwest named Robert Zimmerman. And his killer genes.

Oh, yeah, the music's not bad either.