Come here, baby...I'll keep you warm...

You guys...bad news. This is the year of Ugly Coats. Really, really hideous jackets. Like jackets so bad that for a split second you look outside at the blizzard swirling around and think "well...maybe if I run really fast?". My problem is this: I NEED a coat/jacket/whatever. You can not shop for those in Bloomington, you just can not. I can't take my baby to Indy becase, well, he is about to break. I know I have said it a lot in the past, but this is for real. Plus....if I wasn't really worried that he might hear me and then just drive himself off of a cliff because he is at the absolute end of his life, I might ask "did you see the new Explorers? Because they are so hot." But I won't say that. I can't.

On to the ugly. Bear this in mind as well; apparently, matte lipstick is BACK. So your coat will make you look hippy and cheap, and your lipstick will bleed out of your lip lines, causing you to look like a 74 year old hooker. Here we go!

This beauty is called (and I swear to GOD I am not making this up) "long belted warmest jacket". Here is the convo that went down at the Gap headquarters when they were naming it:
Gappie #1: Dude...I so don't want to have to name this hideous jacket.
Gappie #2: Let's make that new intern do it!
Gappie #1: But she doesn't speak a word of English!
Gappie #2: That's why it's SO PERFECT!
This is a skinny, skinny woman with zero breasteses and even less hips. And if she can't really rock a belt over a puffy jacket...trust me, neither can you. This look would work for your little brother, though. If your little brother is a thirty year old woman living in Detroit in 1985 who wears high-tops with her business suit on the way to work. Then he can wear it.

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You know what would be a great idea? If we took a winter jacket, meant to keep us warm, and REMOVE some fabric. Nothing looks hotter than a frostbitten midriff. Lost the feeling in your stomach? Oh, no no no. You've merely GAINED the feeling of looking so damn good.

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"Officer, I had NOTHING to do with the robbery of "Old Man's Fashions" on Main Street. Why do you ask?"

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Uh-oh, I had a personal run-in with this baby. At first glance, eh, a little quirky but not terrible. Until I tried it on. This jacket? HAS PADDING RIGHT ON THE HIP AREA. No joke, it's the pockets or something. Now, I have many friends of many different body types. Some extrememly thin. Never once have I ever heard a woman say "If only my hips were fatter. I would feel so much better about myself." NEVER.

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I don't know what's worse about this jacket; the fact that it is long and puffy and so damn 80's, or that it's trying to eat her boot?

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"'Cruella DeVille; The Early Years' follows everyone's favorite animated villain as she skins and then wears her first prey; a couch from Joey Butafucco's house"

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"Yes!" Jack exclaimed to himself, smiling knowingly. "If this knee-length, royal-blue velour smoking jacket doesn't convince Sarah that I'm macho enough for her, I don't know WHAT will!"

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Peter Pan's butch, evil sister models the latest in...capes. Because nothing says practical like wearing a tent on your shoulders all winter long. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that I bet that bitch Tiger-Lilly had something to do with this.

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This jacket isn't terrible, but I absolutely refuse to believe that this is a man. Just LOOK at his hair. And womanly profile. Ladies, never date a man who looks more feminine than you. It's a killer on the self-esteem.