Satan's Soft Drink

Alright, it’s time to come clean; who’s the jackass who came up with the new Dr. Pepper “Berries & Cream”? I want to know right now what kind of person thought those flavors would gel together, and why said person has a job developing new products to ingest as he clearly either has no tongue or his taste buds are playing a dirty, dirty trick on him. I still can not accept Diet Cherry Vanilla Coke on a moral level; if we allow two flavors such as vanilla and cherry to cohabitate, what’s next? And do we really want to expose our children to such despicable debauchery? It’s just not natural. But now I am expected to drink a sick concoction of berries and cream and the crazy, unidentifiable flavor of Dr. Pepper?! THE TIME HAS COME TO TAKE A STAND.

Ok, here’s the thing though. My biggest issue is not this bastardized melee of completely non-cohesive flavors, but rather their horrific tagline:

“Get lost in the flavor. Get berried in cream.”

What. The. Mother. Hell.

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Oh, sorry, my brain just exploded from the stupid.

First of all...ok, I don't even know what the first of it all is as it is all equally bad. Ok, ok, I got it! First of all: ignoring the clever* word-play, who wants to get lost and buried in anything? This makes me think of an avalanche which makes me think of Alaska which makes me think of "Alive" which makes me think of cannibalism. So drinking this "beverage"= eating your buddy's arm.

But if you are going to be buried in something, should it be something as thick as cream?! You won't be able to breathe, people. Think about it. Not too hard though, you don't want to get a panic attack thinking about suffocating in a giant vat of cream.

"Oh, if only I didn't take that wrong turn! I can't believe I got lost in the flavor AGAIN!" you'll think to yourself as you sink further into the lactic abyss.




*completely non-clever