Don't Get Cocky, North Carolina; I Hate You As Well

September 11th, 2001- At school for only two weeks and 600 miles from Washington, I am unable to reach my family on the phone and can do nothing but watch helplessly as terrorists crash planes into my hometown. I also have to listen as jackasses in my classes say things like "well, in Indiana we're a HUGE target because we have (insert something lame and totally not important, like "an airport" or "one four-story building") , so we really should prepare because in reality we're probably next" and resist the temptation to yell out "LOOK I REALLY DO LOVE THIS SCHOOL BUT I WAS 18 BEFORE I COULD FIND YOUR STATE ON THE MAP SO I REALLY DOUBT ANYONE INTERNATIONALLY EVEN KNOWS YOU EXIST".

May 31, 2006- Homeland Security slashes funds to New York and Washington by FORTY PERCENT while increasing grants to cities like Charlotte and Omaha and Jacksonville and Sacramento and MY HEAD LITERALLY EXPLODES.

I mean...what are you trying to do to me, Mikey? Ok, I have one theory. Chertoff's from Jersey, right? Classic rivalry between bordering states. So sad, really. I'm so glad that we don't have to deal with such pettiness in the big VA. I mean, when I say things like "If you stay in Maryland for too long, you'll probably get crabs" or "the state song of West Virginia should be the theme from Deliverance", I'm merely being witty...and more than a little honest.

How come no one is talking about this? I blame Shiloh (side note-the fact that I am totally jealous of a newborn baby fills me with SUCH self-loathing) for distracting us. But then again, she also taught millions of oh-so globally aware Americans that there is a place in the world called "Namibia" (can you believe there are multiple distinct countries within Africa? Weird! It's just like a couple of months ago when we all learned that Iraq and Iran, though their names contain many of the same letters, are two separate places with two different cultures).

I can see now that if we want to protect D.C. and New York City, we're going to have to do it ourselves. Bring your pitchforks, and dry clean your best militia clothes.