Baby, you can drive my car...

...but I'll need a signed waiver first, as it will probably explode and possibly kill you.

Which is precisely why I have been car-shopping lately. Car-shopping makes me want to die. Because car salespeople? Are the smarmiest, grossest people in all of the land (uh, sorry if you are one). And this is coming from a girl who has two lawyers for parents and spent her formative years hanging out with anti-trust (ha, the irony of that name) attorneys.

The following is an actual quote from the manager of some Honda place when I attempted to look at CRV's:

"Well, I'd love to put you in a car tonight. And the more I can pay you for your car and the less I can charge you for mine, the better, am I right? Yuk yuk yuk."


BARF.


Now, I never went to business school, but I'm fairly certain that something's off in that equation. At least something's off if you're planning on making a living and paying bills, you jackass. I am looking to purchase a car from you- clearly I understand that I will be giving you money for this car and CLEARLY your goal is to make money from this transaction. Also, I just explained to you I was JUST starting to look at cars. I am not going to purchase one from you before you close in 40 minutes. A $20,000 vehicle REALLY shouldn't be an impulse purchase.

I think the problem is that I hate bull-shit, and I hate fake people. I REALLY hate meaningless small-talk and when someone pretends to care about me. So a car dealership is basically the absolute worst place for me to hang out.

Anyway, today I went to look at a Saturn dealership, and let me tell you seriously, I wanted to buy a car right then and there just because the people working there were SO less gross. They have fixed prices, so they don't ask you asinine questions like "so, how much were you looking to spend?" (um, as little as possible, tool-io). I've been going around with my father, who has been kind enough to put up with my complete lack of car knowledge. Seriously, these are actual questions I've asked and things I've said since this process began:

"What's a horsepower?"
"What's a cylinder?"
"What's MSRP?"
"Can we keep Big Red? Like just park him out on the street, so I can visit him occasionally?"
"I like the gear shift to be down between the seats, so I can pretend to be driving a manual"

Whatever, I'm excited. But it will be really weird to drive a car that won't break every 4 hours. What the hell will I do with all my time and money???