"Meet Your Candidates, Virginia" or "Dumb and Dumber"

Election day is upon us. The other day I went to see Borat, and almost threw up when I realized that the scene with the rodeo was full of people who would be voting for my next Senator ( if you saw it, were you shocked that was VA as well? I went to school in the Midwest, and they made those folks look like cultured elitist snobs). Old Dominioners ( I've been hanging around with 4th graders who are doing VA history in social studies, I'm swimming in factoids), meet your glorious, stunning candidates:

GEORGE ALLEN, Republican. He's just a good ole', down-home, Southern boy from...Cali. Allegedly made racist comments about African Americans when he was. Known for having a noose in his office when he practiced law (I don't know how one could possible connect that with the lynchings of black people that is part of our state's illustrious past). Used an impressively obscure racial slur in PUBLIC at a rally that was caught on video tape a few months back. Last week, his staffers were videotaped slamming a non-violent protester into a glass door. Just in time for the High Holy Days, us chosen folks were as stunned as Allen was himself to discover that his mother was Jewish. We were even more stunned when he reacted to this revelation by stating "Don't worry, I ate a ham sandwich on the way over here." Oh, we're not worried Georgie. We've dealt with the likes of Roseanne Barr, we'll deal with you too.

JIM "LESSER OF TWO EVILS" WEBB, Democrat. Possibly sexist, definitely not experienced enough for the job. Has publicly made less than friendly comments about the fairer sex. He also has hair like a Brilo pad and appears to be both boring and annoying at the same time.

Inspirational, no? But the Democrats need to take the Senate if we have any hopes of getting some kind of checks and balances in place. I predict that Webb takes it, but it won't be a land-slide either way. I'm so psyched for this, I am watching election results all night. This is better than the Oscars, and with greater fashion faux-pas and excessive bitchiness.