Everything I Need To Know I Learned From Christmas Songs

I LOVE CHRISTMAS, especially the music. "Little Drummer Boy" is on my favorite songs of all time list. Yes, I am aware that I am a Jew. But guess what? SO WAS JESUS. And apparently he has something to do with the holiday. I can't quite make the connection between Jesus, Santa, and Crazy Spastic Elmo, though. REGARDLESS, here are the things that I HAVE learned from listening to your music over the years:

10. Holly is measured in boughs.
9. If you lack a metronome, donkeys and lambs can keep time while you drum.
8. For the love of God, don't let Grandma walk home from your house on Christmas Eve without some kind of light-reflecting clothing.
7. Eartha Kitt apparently has room under her tree for sables, checks, and a ’54 convertible, too (light blue).
6. If three kings showed up at my house and two offered me spices/weird things that I had never heard of while the other gave me gold, only one of them will be invited in. And it's not the jerk with the frankincense.
5. Anyone dumb enough to roast chestnuts on an open fire deserves a hell of a lot more than Jack Frost nipping at their nose.
4. When making a snowman, one must include a “corn-cob pipe”. I’m not sure what that is, but if there’s a long-lost verse from “Frosty, the Snowman” that tells you to pack the pipe with any illegal herbs, I’d advise against that.
3. Christians express love by giving each other fowl. I know, I wasn’t aware either. But seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, four calling birds, three French Hens, two turtle doves, and a Partridge in a pear tree equals A LOT of poultry.
2. Here was where I was going to insert a little factoid about who "Parson Brown" was and why one would name a snowman after him. But I got so bored with it I had to abandon my research. Sorry, kids.
1. Santa is a pervy dude who watches you when you sleep.