But I'm Still Sad About "Sassy"

I'm not sure of the exact moment when Jane magazine jumped the shark. I do know that it plummeted into an irreparable state of suck once the new editor-in-chief started last year, but it must have started prior to that. I guess when even Jane wants out of Jane, things can't be going well.



The point is, it's been steadily declining for a while now, but I've stuck by it. Because when Jane was good, it was GOOD. It was what made me want to major in magazine journalism, what helped me navigate the dismal abyss of teenage-dom when all Cosmo and Glamour wanted to do was tell me "50 Sizzling Sex Secrets That Your Man Wants You To Know NOW!" and explain why coral lipstick was going to change my life this season. I loved everything about it-the bitchy responses to reader mail, the distinct feel of the pages, the painfully honest editorials, the lack of diet tips, the sometimes less than polite language. But it eventually succumbed to the pressure brought on by the InTouch, USWeekly wave and little by little Jane began to change, and not for the better.



So when I heard that Jane finally folded last week, I was sad for about two seconds. And then I cracked open the latest issue and realized that this was not an untimely death, but rather a mercy-killing. Because what I found on page 84, "The Slacker's Guide To Looking Swanky", was just too sad and pathetic for my life. Please note: these "beauty" tips suck and are dangerous, not only to the entire women's rights movement, but to your actual health-they might literally kill you:



"Lip gloss brushed on your teeth will keep your smile luminous and help lips stay moisturized."
Why not just squirt it on your tongue and eat it. Nothing like a chapped and dull esophagus to turn a man off.

"Try a nontoxic red Sharpie for a long lasting lip stain. Dot along your lips and blend with a natural balm."
Because if it's nontoxic, then by all means, color your face with it. This is basically the grown-up equivalent of eating glue. Also, I don't really know any women who have NO extra tubes of lipstick/gloss lying around, but a surplus of red markers. And if you're doing this at work, then I hope they fire your ass for being creepy and weird.



And my personal favorite:
"Apply a lip plumper to your nipples if you're going sans bra for an attention getting pop."
This is just...wrong. And sounds painful. And dangerous. And inappropriate. And RIDICULOUS. And since when is this something that we want? (Straight) men are most likely going to be looking at your breasts anyway. That just happens. Is this necessary?


R.I.P, Jane. Make sure to smear motor-oil on your eyelids and exfoliate your nose with a Brillo pad before your head up to that editorial meeting in the sky.