Seriously, don't call me

Dear CNN.com,
I have about 8 million things to do. I don't have time to be writing this blog entry. But we need to talk.

Look, I'm all for free flow of information and blah blah blah. But sometimes? You should keep certain stories to your damn selves. Stories that will do nothing but terrify and exacerbate an already legendary anxiety disorder. Stories like this one.

I already live in fear of my stove (it's GAS, people, gas-there is a flame involved), my car (I know, it's been a year since Big Red but I still can't adjust to the fact that not all cars have parts that will literally fall off in your hand or explode while you're going 70 on the Beltway), and my Rocket Dog sneakers (the bottoms are SO SLIPPERY). I do not need another thing in my apartment/life to fear.

Love,
Jenn

PS-Also, what happened to Bill Hemmer? I know he was on tv and not really on the website, but still. Why did you guys lose him to Fox? He was dreamy, and I can't watch Fox because, well, it goes against all of my principles (i.e. "don't pay attention to crazy people"). Unless I'm watching O'Reilly. Gotta keep that heart rate up, and nothing gets me going like the utter lack of spin that man dishes out.

It doesn't show signs of stopping...

So remember when, exactly one year ago this week, Big Red finally died for real and poor, recent college-graduate Jenn had to buy her first car? And she debated and debated over getting all-wheel drive, because it would cost more? And her dad was like "Jenn, get the all-wheel drive, you're applying to (insert name of large, private, upstate New York university) if you move there you're going to need the all-wheel drive, trust me"? And Jenn was like "oh dad, if I even end up going there, and who's to say, as there's a chance I will write and publish a wildly successful novel and will make a bajillion dollars and will therefore not need to go to graduate school or use my brain ever again, even if I end up going there that's a billion years away (i.e., 9 months) and I don't ever like to plan for the future"? But then she ended up doing it anyway, and was slightly pissed about how that decision affected her monthly Target budget?

As it turns out, "Father Knows Best" wasn't just a title of a boring black-and-white 50's TV show that I've never actually watched before.

I awoke Friday morning to a veritable blizzard (like an inch of snow on the ground and it was still falling from the sky in impressive volume, so shut up) and had to get myself from my apartment to campus. It was a NIGHTMARE. If I was still in the D.C. area, not only would the federal government have been closed and I wouldn't have to go to work, THERE WOULDN'T EVEN BE ANY SNOW IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE IT DOES NOT SNOW IN EARLY NOVEMBER IN CIVILIZED PLACES. And people keep tossing this phrase "lake effect snow" around and I STILL don't know a.)what that means or b.)what lake they're talking about.

By Friday evening there was literally about 4 or 5 inches on the ground. I've had winters where we've never had that much snow on the ground ever, and here it is November and we've already had that much and no one seems to care about it. I knew about the snow situation here before I moved, but it's really starting to hit me. I had to buy SNOW BOOTS on Friday, ya'll. Snow boots. No no no no no. Children need snow boots because they go into the snow and play. Adults don't need snow boots because IN CIVILIZED PLACES they can always get from place to place without having to worry about walking through 8 foot-high snow banks.


I'm officially in hibernation mode.

The Celebrities Have Lost Their Damn Minds: A Pictorial Expose

Is it weird that I am most bothered by her sleeveless turtleneck sweater?

I'm going to pretend that they're not actually shooting right now, and instead stand by my theory that the cast of Grey's Anatomy truly believes themselves to be actual medical practitioners. Also, you know that those two on the left just hate Pompeo.

KATHERINE HOLMES, why the hell would would you run a marathon without a bra??!!? I wouldn't take the trash out without one! This is absurd! I'm having sympathy pains just imagining how uncomfortable that would be. I truly believe that gravity is going to strike back with a vengeance just because she's clearly mocking it.

Ok, so I'm all for fairness and getting what's rightfully yours and blah blah blah. But these pictures of the strike crack me the eff up. Because, people? IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS. It's not Vietnam. YOU DON'T NEED JESSE JACKSON (note: I was going to make a reference to Jackson maybe not realizing who runs Hollywood-google Jackson and anti-Semitic if you don't know about the good reverends slightly racist leanings-but I opted not to, because in this time of strife and conflict and Internet royalties, we need to band together as a nation).

Oh, Mickey Rourke. For a dude who's walking out of the police station after being charged with a DUI, you certainly are chipper, aren't you. And why wouldn't you be. You have a face that looks like a caricature version of your former self. You're wearing cowboy boots and what might possibly be a snakeskin shirt in a charmingly unapologetic manner. And you take the time to shave your chest, yet you leave that Captain Hook-looking facial hair. You are truly a delightful, alcoholic enigma.

Sigh. When I grow up, I hope I can find a husband who will take me to fancy events and present me like he's Vanna White and I'm a sparkly, drugged-out vowel. And he let her wear heels! Nicole is going to be so pissed!

Hey, it's the creepy pharmacist from Desperate Housewives! I wonder what it's like to have no friends, mirrors, or knowledge of the existence of pomade.

This doesn't really relate to the rest of this post, but seriously, I don't know which to love more-the fact that Bowie looks like he's doing a damn Vogue shoot, or the fact that he has been in upstate New York (because really, I live there now, and I can't see it).

1.)Why are you still here?
2.)Are you aware that the picture on the right looks like you're wearing eye-shadow?
3.)Is that cord REALLY going to wrap itself around your neck and drag you off what might be the worst album cover I've ever seen, or are you just a tease?