Things That Are Wrong With The World: An Exploratory Study in List Form

-Megan Fox, I think you are a very pretty lady. I'm not going to say anything about how you are younger than me but look ten years older, or about the burgeoning sun damage displayed on your skin (especially that shoulder, eek) or about how your penchant for lip injections and nose-jobs have made you unrecognizable from your former self. Regardless, I'd still love to look like you. HOWEVER.On what planet does this match? Judging by the obnoxious red sole, I'm going to assume these are Louboutins. Blah blah blah making your brand recognizable, blah blah, I get it. But I think it's tacky as hell when you can so obviously see and tell what it is. Did she go and find the pair with the most visible red? Because it's not like the tan and red shoes go with the black and pink dress. Eeek. And also?


I love irony. Unless you don't consider 8 pounds of lipstick, spray-tanner, lips full of synthetic crap, false-eyelashes, and a ridiculously puffy dress to fall into the category of "gilded".




-They all have the same hairstyle! And Simmons is TOTALLY leering at her! I love it. He can teach her how to rock and roll all night, and she can tell him the best places to buy shoes during a national disaster!




-I find the bright red "Now Open Saturdays!" sign on my bank to be an insult. Someone please explain banks and their absurd hours to me. What kind of a business closes at 4 pm?



-What. Seriously. Also, remember when you wore a peacock on your head in the movie and it looked like a victim of impaling-by-bird was getting married? It made me uncomfortable. This just makes me feel a little sad for the inequality expressed for your ankles. Why must the right one be naked and exposed, while the left maintains its dignity? For shame, Sarah Jessica. For shame.


- "This is an absolutely huge, huge story for us. Essentially you have two of the most beautiful, famous people in the world. We've all seen they've had one baby, Shiloh, and it is the coolest, most adorable baby on the planet. And this time they're having two? It can't get any better"-Sarah Ivens, editor in chief for OK! magazine, talking about Brad and Angelina's twins, jacked from Perez. I want to be friends with this Sarah Ivens, or anyone who is going to talk about a baby using the same adjectives they would in talking about a handbag or Pete Wentz (or whatever celebri-tool the kids are into these days). Shiloh's really "cool", did you say, Sarah? Homegirl doesn't know how to use the toilet. I have low expectations, but that's pretty much my baseline for "cool" determinant. Must be able to use the bathroom sans Brad Pitt and not eat sand.

-My main 'mo has been desperately searching for Ben and Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie ice-cream and it is NOWHERE. Seriously. I have hunted and searched and called. The "flavor locater" on the web-site (shut it) ALLEGES that they have it at a Wegman's in Newark, NY and we were entirely prepared to drive the 120 mile round-trip last night, but further investigation showed that they did not in fact have any in stock. I enjoy the thrill of the chase and would like my friend to have this ice-cream that she loves, but right now it's becoming a borderline obsession. This is my holy grail. I will find it and then something will happen with Jesus, maybe.*


*Editor's Note: There's a slight chance that the Jewish author of this blog isn't entirely clear on the concept. Excuse her ignorance.