1. So, Godfather 2? Eh. I mean, did I see the same movie as everyone else? Because everything I heard prior to viewing it heralded it as the greatest most amazing wonderfulest movie of all time. I kind of wasn’t impressed. My suggestions for this movie would be :
-more slapstick humor; all of this blah blah blah irrefutable offers blah blah blah family honor blah blah blah Diane Keaton’s giant forehead gets really old.
-more James Caan
-more sex
-more sex with James Caan
A kicky musical number would really do wonders, too. Also, let’s talk about something that I want to address but I feel like class isn’t the best place for it; wouldn’t it suck to marry 1974 De Niro and then he gets old and looks like 1972 Brando? Yikes. Or for that matter, to marry 1950’s Brando and end up with 1972 Brando. Poor Mrs. Corleone, she never saw it coming. I know, I know, people get old, they look different, blah blah blah. But COME ON, you can’t tell me that you believe anyone saw that coming with Marlon. “Streetcar”=Hot Damn, You Can Call Me Stella Anytime. “Godfather”=Holy Crap I’ll Push Stella Out The Window For You If You Promise Never To Wear An Undershirt In Public.
2. I haven’t had a drink since July. I’m disgustingly sober. There really ought to be more benefits to this though; so far the only thing I have noticed is that the ugly people stay ugly and I am more likely to keep my eyes open when someone takes my picture. That’s it. I mean, seriously; no alcohol since mid summer, no illegal substances since a lot longer than that, no cigarettes in forever. I even quit all of the prescribed crazy pills in August! I feel like I should feel, I don’t know, like I am in a 60’s musical or something. I should be kicking my heels and singing on mountains and rumbling with Jets, and so far, I have done NONE of those things. I should feel like waking up at 5am and doing “calisthenics”. This really sucks.
3. Today I was driving to class and I made the mistake of glancing in the rear-view mirror at myself. ROUGH. Seriously, in the words of the elusive White Stripes, I’ve said it once before, but it bears repeating; I’m a hot mess these days. I’m averaging about 2, 3 hours tops a night. It sounds crazy, but I’m not exaggerating. I know the drill, too-I’ll be totally fine until I come down, and then I will crash like non other. It’s been about 2, 3 weeks. So any day now, really. But the point is, no sleep=BLACK circles under my eyes, they literally look bruised. And then the cold came sooooo quickly and soooo harsh that my lips totally cracked. I looked like a heroin addict who someone beat the crap out of this morning.
4. The national news really let me down yesterday, and I think that Indiana should secede from the Union. They really don’t give a crap about this state, or really the entire middle of this country, for that matter. I was the biggest East Coast snob in the world before I came here, but I see things differently. The Midwest is like that kid in school who was really nice, but kind of nerdy. And maybe he wore tapered jeans or something. You’re nice to his face, but you never really care about him. And then one day you ask him to do your Astronomy homework (oh my God, if only I could find a nerd to do my Astro work!) and he is so excited to do it because you actually included him. That’s the Midwest. We had, oh, I don’t know, about ELEVENTY BILLION TORNADOS yesterday and no one really cared. And then it turns into severe thunderstorms and hits Tennessee and all of a sudden people give a damn. I know how bad thunderstorms can be, I know that they can kill people and cause damage and such. But, I don’t care, they are still NOT TORNADOS!! Tornados are scary motherfuckers- at least with hurricanes you get advanced warning (which is why the whole no aid to Louisiana forever was so infuriating). Tornados come out of nowhere and then they lift your cows into the sky!!! And there are funnel clouds! And swirling winds on the ground! And a lot of other crazy ass things that this East Coast girl never cared to know about! When I watched the “Wizard of Oz” as a kid, I could not fathom why anyone would want to live in an area where winds so mother loving scary that they take away your house are a possibility. And here I am, hiding in my laundry room because that’s what Andrea Buchman, of the famed Channel 8 (home of the DopplerViper!) told me to do!
I know that I have other things to bitch about, but now I have to go dry my hair. Aha! Another thing-why won’t my hair dry and straighten itself?!?! THE WORLD IS NOT FAIR.
I'd like to go back to 1986 and tell her that things are about to start sucking hardcore- I mean, her mom is about to pop out a billion kids that are going to want to steal her crap (including a certain sister who will actually CUT HER HAIR when she is in the 8th grade, otherwise known in child psychology texts as The Year That the Sun Could Very Well Implode And You'd Never Notice Because You Are Too Damn Concerned With What You Look Like ESPECIALLY Your Hair). Her feet are going to grow to epic proportions. And she is going to become a perpetual undergrad, stuck in some kind of weird purgatory where the freshmen keep getting sluttier and worse at walking around campus and you swear you somehow have less credit hours than when you started.
Also she'll discover that pink is so NOT her color.
3 comments:
I had a nightmare last night that I came on aim and looked at Jenn's away message and opened her Blog only to find that she had written about the sun shining and how much she loves her classes and how she is the most beautiful person in the world. But then I awoke this morning and found that the world was just as it should be. Jenn was on her blog bitching about life and again it was too filled with expletives that I could not print it out and show it to my students as an example of real internet prose. And alas, I will have to go on being the only one who thinks Jenn is beautiful even when she doesn't sleep and especially when her hair is in its natural crazy state.
oooooo who is this? because if you think my untamed hair is beautiful than we should definitely hang out everyday and probably get married (for real, even if this is a woman-we can work out the particulars at a later time). I really want to know who this is-by your use of the word "prose" and complete sentences I can officially eliminate 2/3 of my friends as possiblities
ps-my mouth is filthy, isn't it? maybe it is because I have years of backed-up cursing in my brain from working with kids all those years. I'm going to have to work on this because they will never give me the Nobel Peace Prize in Blogging if I continue to write like this
pps-I did use the words "hell" and "damn" in the piece I just turned in for my lit. journalism class and it was GLORIOUS.
ppps-you can always request the youth-friendly edition of this blog-entries include the famous titles including "Here Comes Pubery And It's Not Gonna Be Pretty" and "When Mommy and Daddy Fight It's Not Your Fault, Except You Should Know That Leaving Your Dirty Clothes On The Floor Aren't Helping Things" and "Learning To Read Is Very Hard, But Ditch-Digging Is Even Harder So You'd Better Sound It Out And Stop Complaining".
Jenn, there were so many clues in the piece to tell you who wrote it. I am very disappointed. Let me give you a couple more. The full sentences and no spelling errors were to throw you off. This biggest clue was that I have students. How many of your friends have students? And yes I really do love your untamed hair, but I think we can only get married in a couple states and Germany.
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