The Most Embarassing Blog Entry In Life.

Well...I wrote about this before, but either people thought I was a.) kidding, b.) kidding, or c.)just flat out lying. So when I mentioned in an away message the other day that I hurt my shoulder when I took my family's gigantic new puppy to the vet, I got about a bazijillion IM's . Some didn't believe that really this is the hugest canine in the land, but almost all of them read like this:

"WHAT?! You HATE animals!"

which, look, ok, I have never been a fan of anything nature-related, and I just didn't get my friends who hang up pictures of strange dogs or cats on their walls (I mean...it's kind of like animal porn, let's call a spade a spayed. BADUM-CHING!). But I never HATED animals. Who hates animals?! The same people who also hate babies. I don't hate animals, but I certainly had no desire to get a pet.

And then my family adopted this dog from an animal shelter and within like 2 days of me meeting him when I went home for winter break I kind of got retarded over this animal.

PLEASE NOTE: this is specific to our dog. I still don't care about all other pets. In fact I now judge every single dog that I see, and I feel incredibly self-righteous and smug because I know for sure that mine is MUCH better looking. And also, after taking care of him for only three weeks, I have absolutely ZERO respect for owners of small dogs. If you don't have to use your body weight as leverage when trying to hold your dog still...it does NOT count.

So..and I so can NOT believe that I am even doing this and I have so much self-loathing right now (for 1983-2005 Jenn, having to look at pictures of someone's dog and feign interest was physically painful)...but really, he is effing CUTE you guys.


This is Max. Now, my family adopted him from a shelter while I was at school, but trust and believe I submitted name ideas. Because this was the end of the semester and the unnoficial slogan of last semester was "All Beatles, All The Time (And Also Some Crying Over Astronomy Homework)", they were pretty much all Beatles related. My suggestions included: Sgt. Pepper (I think giving an animal a military title is always funny, regardless of whether it is also the name of an album), George Harrison (vetoed because there is already a George living in my house. And also it is a little creepy), Ringo (because I imagine as far as men in their 60's go, he too is cute and cuddly), Bungalow Bill (which I really fought for-I mean Bill?! BILLinson?! It's CUTE and CLEVER and I stand by it 100%). I didn't put Sexy Sadie on the table, though. And not because I am opposed to giving female names to males, but because having "sexy" in your name puts a LOT of pressure on an animal. Well, in the end they named him Max and I was like "eh, whatev" and THEN we finished "Abbey Road" in my Beatles class and I became OBSESSED with the song "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" and so I kind of indirectly and accidentally won re: the whole name thing! And now everyone in my family sings the song all the time because I kind of sort of brainwashed them all with Beatles and I call him Maxwell. Now...ok, so the song is not the sweetest-the tune is nice and it's very light-hearted until you pay attention to the words, and here is a sample if you don't know it:

"Joan was quizzical, studied pataphysical
Science in the home
Late nights all alone with her a test tube
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Maxwell Edison, majoring in medicine
Calls her on the phone
"Can I take you out to the pictures Jo-o-o-oan?"
But as she's getting ready to go
A knock comes on the door

Bang! Bang!
Maxwell's silver hammer came down upon her head
Clang! Clang!
Maxwell's silver hammer made sure that she was dead"

Alright, so it's kind of about a serial killer. BUT I DON'T CARE because YAY BEATLES! WE HAVE A BEATLE DOG HAHAHAHAHAHA!

OK, now, because he was from the shelter, we know relatively little about him. He was born in West Virginia (shudder) and his name was originally Shooter (shudder-er). They told us he most likely a lab/hound/St. Bernard mix. They also said he was probably a year old. Well, as I mentioned previously, I took him to the vet last week, who cheerfully told me as I struggled with The Beast in the office that he was "nowhere near a year old! He is very much a puppy! We'll give him an estimated birthday of March 1, 2005" making him about 10 months old. Which isn't very alarming until I tell you HE WEIGHS 82 POUNDS and the vet said he would most likely be 100+ when he is done growing and that at 10 months old when he stands on his back 2 legs HE CAN PRETTY MUCH PUT HIS FRONT PAWS ON MY EFFING SHOULDERS. Let's examine, shall we? I'll provide your lines for you:


"Well, he doesn't look very huge in this picture at all. And, Jenn, how did you manage to give the dog blue-eye? You are notoriously excellent at photography, as illustrated a few posts below, so this is surprising to me."








"Oh, except...gee, his paws are awfully big"

NOTE FROM ME: He may have been originally been a backwoods hick dog, but we have totally converted him. In this picture he is resting on the floor of the dining room after Shabbos dinner-where he gets Challah, which is pretty much his favorite thing in the land. Our little Chosen Dog...



"Uh, Jenn, is that your hand? The hand of a 5'9, 22 year old human? Which is almost smaller than the paw of a 10 month old dog? Eeeek...maybe he is kind of big..."

NOTE: he wraps his paws around your arms or legs to prevent you from leaving. If I was touchy-feely I might say "ohmigod SO cute, awwww!!". But I'm not. So...whatever...I totally don't care....



(You can't speak anymore as you have fainted from the shock of the Most Beautiful But Also Most Giant Dog On The Planet and how he is almost up to my 6 foot 2 father's waist).














Yeah...while we appreciate the advice from dog-owners who haven't yet seen Max regarding the whole "don't feed him table scraps WHATEVER YOU DO" thing, as our PUPPY is taller than the table, we can try, but sometimes our efforts are fruitless. It's kind of like the whole "where does an 800 pound gorilla sit?" thing.





Interesting Fact: Dogs don't care if you aren't wearing make-up and look like hell! They will still love you! Also, I have never spent more time on the floor as I did during this vacation. This dog is crazy-he can be super playful, but more often than not he just loves to lie down and sleep anywhere, all day.






Yeah, I told you. When my mom said that he sometimes looks like a dead deer, I did not believe her. But he totally does.











If I ever feel like I am acting lame around this dog...I need look no further than my littlest sister, who is RIDICULOUS with this animal. RIDICULOUS. She CRAWLS IN HIS CRATE WITH HIM. She professes her love for him constantly. If she could she would bring him to the end of the year 8th grade dance, I am convinced.





See?














No, he is not winking (although HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE?!?!), he apparently got into a fight with another animal or something so he sometimes squints that eye, which I can not imagine because he is so sweet and nice, except that perhaps all of the other animals were jealous of him and therefore wanted to make him miserable, straight-up Cinderella-style. West Virginians...man.










So there you have it, our huge, gigantic, mutant puppy. That is so much better than yours, so WHATEVER.















Ok, I have to go shower now and wash off the shame. You know who will never EVER let me live this down? Natalie. I know it already. I made so much fun of her for obsessing over her dog and every other dog in the land and now here comes Karma. Either that or Nachman made a pact with the devil just so she could give me a great big "I TOLD YOU SO".



And just to prove that I did more than just play with the dog all break, here is a beautiful picture of me stealing my dad's hat and participating in a Very Hot Photo Shoot.