Team Grier!

Any readers of this blog working in law enforcement? I need you to run some plates for me (note: I’ve wanted to ask someone to “run some plates” for YEARS. I also want to say “book ‘em, Dan-o” and rough up some hooligans):

22A-9996 -IN 0406 PA
Make: Dodge
Model: Van

The owner of this vehicle inadvertently dropped their parking ticket under my windshield wiper at the main library and then got into their Dodge van (parked at expired meter #22) and they are probably just PANICKING trying to get this ticket back (I fully expect to see posters around that read “LOST TICKET” with a picture of a smiling child hugging her beloved parking ticket any day now).

Look, I’m not trying to locate this person for vengeance. I merely think it is my civic duty to blow the whistle and get this bastard the hell out of the proverbial gene pool (he can hang out at the picnic tables for awhile, or maybe the roped off diving board area, just nowhere that his DNA can taint our human race). Did he think that I would return to my car and a.) seriously believe that I had a ticket from a meter that had run out 4 minutes earlier (although those parking enforcers are Satan’s minions-they are everywhere and pretty much the bane of my existence) and b.) that I wouldn’t even look at the ticket and just pay it? And if I didn’t look at it (during which I would notice that it doesn’t say “Ford” under make, or “decrepit piece of crap” under style-KIDDING, kidding, Big Red please just make it back to Virginia, baby, I’ll buy you a car wash), how would I know how much to pay? DOES HE THINK I AM IN THE HABIT OF SENDING BLANK CHECKS TO PARKING SERVICES?

So I want to find out the name and address of this winner so that I can personally return his ticket to him. And possibly slash the tires on his Dodge van. And MAYBE there will be some light slapping involved.



On an unrelated note, how psyched is Tallulah Belle Moore/Willis right now you guys? T.B., Rumor, Scout, and Bob Geldof’s daughters, Tiger Lily and Fifi LeTrixieCrap or whatever her name is should just throw a huge party in honor of the Paltrow-Martins and the Holmes/Psycruises, and Shields/No Name Husband Because She Wears The Calvins In The Family. Do you think that Tiger Lily Geldof ever thought she’d be able to go into a room where her name wasn’t the biggest cruel parental joke in history? I love this. And how is Moses looking the most normal out of all this?!?! Somewhere in rock and roll heaven, Frank Zappa’s smiling and saying “See, Dweezil? I told you and Moon Unit that the day would come when your names wouldn’t be the batshit-craziest ones in the phone book.”

I really think this is awesome. I can’t wait until celebrities run out of ridiculous words/non-names and just start doling out Prince-esque symbols to their kids (Like “§ Spears”, or “Ω Aniston”). As someone who grew up cursing her parents for giving her the most popular girl’s name of 1983, sentencing her to a life of having to use her last initial to distinguish herself from the 40 other Jennifers in every classroom she ever stepped foot in, I can appreciate a little creativity.

But Tom Cruise, you just named your kid “Suri”, having your P.R. person (this has replaced Naomi Campbell’s maid as the job in Hollywood most likely to literally kill you, by the way) explain it away as meaning something in Hebrew (debatable, but whatev) or Persian. TWO CULTURES THAT NEITHER YOU NOR YOUR SPAWN NOR YOUR SPAWN’S INCUBATOR ARE ACTUALLY MEMBERS OF. You are a delight, Tommy. Don’t go changing.

Or how about Shield’s kid, Grier? I want to mock this, but I don’t think it’s wise, seeing as how in 20ish years when Grier and Suri stage an epic good vs. evil battle for control of the world, I’m going to be Team Grier 100% (seriously, this is some freaky, sci-fi shizz you guys. Born on the same day, in the same hospital, to enemy parents? Christians, let me know if this is part of your book because I feel like it must be-mine’s got too much of the “don’t eat this” and “don’t lie down with that” kind of stuff that we really don’t get into the good Apocalyptic specifics). Ooooh, I wonder what team Moses will be on, cause I’m siding with him. You know, just in case there’s a large body of water and angry Egyptians involved.