Uh...why is my horoscope so mean?

"TAURUS: It's a miracle you can get anything done right now, what with Mercury going retrograde in your seventh house towards the end of the month. You'll be pining for past loves-which is all fun and games until your current partner gets hurt. Do try your best to prevent that, little horned one, ok? Turn your amorous thoughts to the present, and the rest of the month will be just fine."

First of all, "little horned one"? Really? And the whole "it's all fun and games" part makes me feel like I am being scolded by some 80 year old school teacher. And how is pining necessarily so bad if it doesn't result in anything? I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who tried to control my thoughts anyway.


Nothing much to write about, but here are 2 Random Thoughts for the day:

-While driving this evening I FINALLY got the chorus to "Are You Experienced?" (it's a Jimi Hendrix song, I'll pretend that none of you needed me to tell you that because if you did it might make me want to cry a little bit, and then lecture you a little and I'm concerned that people sometimes think I'm bossy, so I'd hate for it to come to that). It always bugged me because I felt like it was awkward and weirdly repetitive ("Are you experienced?/Well, have you ever been experienced?") and then all of a sudden I got it and then I giggled because it's kind of dirty AND clever, and I'm a sucker for dirty, clever things (ok, the first line means are you experienced at doing "things", and the second line means "has anyone experienced you?", right?!!? I felt a little like a genius, so pretend like you didn't already know that, ok?)

-Have you ever had a moment when you stop and realize that you don't even recognize yourself? I had one the other day. My dog (see, that STILL seems weird to type, because HELLO I hate animals and nature) was sick so I took him to the vet, where I pretend to know things about dogs. I took him by myself, which sounds unimpressive until I remind you that he is a giant and can pull me in basically any direction that he desires (and it's usually in the direction of any bush/tree/pole/WALL that he can pee on) and he gets really nervous at the vet ( I decided it's because it reminds him of the animal shelter, but keep in mind that I totally made that up so who knows) and tries to SIT IN MY LAP resulting in punctured clothing and legs. We didn't see his regular vet; instead, I ended up struggling to keep my 90 pound dog from jumping off the exam table and into my arms as the freaking Dog Whisperer of Springfield tried to chart his family tree and actually asked Max "if he had any husky in him" and waited for a response. I swear he gave me a wtf? look when she said "what gave you this height? Doberman, maybe...". So then I go out to the waiting area, and Max is CRAZY, pulling me over to the door, first sitting (which we make him do before he goes out the door so he doesn't plow anyone down) and then actually USING HIS TWO FRONT PAWS TO PUSH THE DOOR OPEN. Everyone thought he was a genius and he literally scared the piss out of a tiny dog and I kept telling him "hold on, I have to pay, wait one minutes" because I am a crazy lady who talks to her pet and thinks he has the mental capacity to reason when all of a sudden he circled right in the middle of the floor and then...had an incident. A large, disgusting, horrific incident. And as I was cleaning the liquid crap off the floor of the waiting room, I suddenly had a moment where I didn't recognize myself. Because 2005 Jenn? Probably wouldn't even pet a dog. But 2006 Jenn LIES DOWN ON THE FLOOR with her dog and goes out on dates with yellow dog hair all over her black turtle-neck (although maybe 2006 Jenn didn't realize it and it was totally fresh out of the wash and could she help it if she needed to hug the dog before she left? No, she could not) and goes to dog parks and is driving around with a "Beauty and the Beast" sheet covering her back seat because her dog doesn't like the feel of the leather. I don't know how this happened.

PLEASE NOTE the absence of job (or lack thereof) discussion in this post. It's for a reason. And that reason is my sanity. The end.