Why merely jump the shark when you can segregate it and make racist comments?

When I was like, 12, 13-ish I always watched this show on Showtime called "Rude Awakenings", starring Sherilynn Fenn (and Roger Daltrey was on it AND Tim Curry, so there goes two of my favorite old men crushes right there). On this show, Fenn's character has this on-again, off-again thing with this really cute guy who had always had crazy under-eye circles but was still really cute (see, I've regressed to a 13 year old). Also, Rain Pryor (Richard's daughter) was in it and a bunch of other people that I can't remember and I think it was about recovering alcoholics and there was nudity and cursing and jokes that went right over my head and where the hell were my parents during this?!!? Anyway, it was a good show, and I always wondered what happened to that cute actor.

So imagine my surprise when I sat on Amit and James' couch Thursday evening to watch Survivor: Segregation Island and I SAW THE FORMERLY CUTE ACTOR ON THE WHITE PERSON'S TRIBE and I said "oh my god he is an actor!" and Amit and James said "no way!" and then we checked his bio on CBS and I WAS RIGHT ONCE AGAIN AND AND AND THE GUY HAS BEEN NOMINATED FOR. AN. OSCAR. How, how, HOW can you be an Oscar nominated actor masquerading as a writer named Jonathan on Survivor? How? This is a travesty. What happened to the good old days when the contestants were average crazies? Now they are professional crazies with agents, that's what. THE ACTORS ARE TAKING OUR JOBS AND MAYBE EVEN OUR WOMEN.

I hate to say this, but Survivor? Pretty damn awful. Because the editing was so insane, guys. Insane. If you didn't watch it, here's what you missed (and to sum it up what you missed was CBS trying really hard to confirm every terrible stereotype):

-tribal music playing when we were introduced to the African-American team
-the Asian team using ancient remedies to cure a headache
-the white team consisting of the most boring, bland, lame people on the earth (oh, they had a "cuddle puddle", people)
-the whitest Asian, African-American, and Hispanic people you could EVER find

It was such a disaster, I can't even explain it. But I do have to thank Amit and James (who are getting married in LESS THAN 2 MONTHS!!!) for letting me watch with them when our cable went out for the 24932th time this week. The only working channels?

-Channel 21, aka the Fairfax County Public Schools channel
-The "Herndon Community Access" channel (who knew?) which is right now showing some hardcore rock/klezmer band of teenage guys playing Hava Negillah with violins and electric guitars. There are no words. EDITED TO ADD: Oh my god, right now they're playing "Danny Boy". Have I found a band of Irish Jews like myself!??! There are so few of us! I wonder if they have potatoes on their Seder plates every year as well (true story, guys; my dad's mother was Irish-Catholic, and half his brothers and sisters are blonde with blue eyes. Every year on the Friday before St. Patrick's day we have a green challah)
-The Middle Aged Women With Gigantic Jewelry Network.

So thanks to them for saving the day! Because even though it sucked like crazy, it is Survivor, and I am obligated to watch every single episode because I'll be damned if I miss the one where Probst eventually loses it and says "immunity, back up for grabs", pauses for a second, then grab the ugly statue and run into the sea with it, never to be seen again. It will happen, give it time.