As for you, Troy Donahue...

Because there is a God and he is apparently a merciful one, The Greatest Television Show In The Galaxy returned this week (triumphantly, mind you). Before I get into a recap, I need to introduce you to The Sandys (a great name for a band, although I'm fairly certain that The Donnas would kick their asses all over the land)

Name: Kathleen
NBC Calls Her: "Spiritual Sandy"
I Call Her: "Wearin' Those Spandex Pants And Slutty Shoes For The Lord Sandy" or "I Can Sport This Kerchief All I Want But Everyone Can Still See My Man-Neck Sandy". She's like a preacher or something. I can't wait to see how she justifies competing to star in a musical about teens having sex, drinking, smoking, driving too fast, and using copious amounts of hair product. The best part is that her character is corrupted in the end.





Name: Laura
NBC Calls Her: "Small Town Sandy"
I Call Her: "Uncomfortably Wholesome Sandy". Hey, maybe she and "Wholesome Danny" (ha) can get together and form some kind of delightful Osmond revival. It must also be said that she wore what I like to call a "stigmata dress" while singing "Jesus Christ, Superstar" last night (basically it was a long dress with a slit up the middle of the front, and the bottom corners attached to her hands-when she raised them it looked like she was on a cross. Delightful!)

Name: Allie
NBC Calls Her: "Baby Sandy". WHAT THE MOTHER HELL.
I Call Her: "Transvestite Sandy". You can not convince me that this "chick" isn't post-op, sorry. If it walks like a dude, looks like a dude, and wears spandex capri pants like a dude, IT'S A DUDE.

Name: Ashley S.
NBC Calls Her: "Ballerina Sandy". This is following with the trend of having the nickname only describe the contestant's occupation and nothing else, kind of in the vein of "Bellhop Danny."
I Call Her: "Stuck-up Meg Ryan Sandy". She looks like Meg Ryan. She also looks stuck up. You wish you had this kind of clever.

Name: Ashley A.
NBC Calls Her: "Emotional Sandy"
I Call Her: "Mentally Unstable Sandy". She's basically crazy and can't sing. Why NOT put her on a nationally televised SINGING competition for her to be judged and put under tremendous stress?




Name: Juliana
NBC Calls Her: "Rock Chick Sandy"
I Call Her: "The Most Annoying Person On My TV Sandy" or "Hopelessly Devoted To Herself Sandy" or "Unnervingly Lacking Introspect Sandy". When she talks she sounds like a Disney character. The highlight of last night was when she said "I am very, very......talented."




Name: Kate
NBC Calls Her: "Serious Sandy"
I Call Her: "This Sandy Goes Up To 11 Sandy", because girlfriend IS SO LOUD AND WILL NOT STOP SHOUTING/SINGING AND IT'S MAKING ME CRAZY. I feel like I need to make her a cup of tea after every song she "sings", and the fact that I watch her right before Trump comes on and starts yelling at me is a little unsettling.

I can't really sum up the show, but highlights included:

-VELOUR DANNY wearing, and I swear I am not making this up,a sleeveless flannel shirt. I still think it's deliciously ironic that NBC calls him "Wholesome Danny", because watching him you get the distinct feeling that he is trying to impregnate you through the television.

-Billy Bush describing the show as a "double sing-off special", and I still don't know what the hell that means.

-Andrew Lloyd Weber guest-judging, and me discovering that my mother has this hilarious, irrational hatred for him. Some quotes from her about Mr. Weber include: "He looks like a woman", "they can describe him as legendary, but that just means that he's old", "he's like petrified wood, "why doesn't he just shut up and go get a 'spot of tea'", and "eww, he should not be allowed to lick his lips."

If you're not watching this show by now, there is something very, very wrong with you.