Why "Top Design" is the most awkward, ridiculous show on television

1. When a designer is kicked off, the head judge says, and I swear this is true, "see you later decorator". This is terrible because a.) no adult should have to say something so stupid to another adult, ever and b.) I have to believe that it's pissing off all the alligators.


2. None of the decorators are good. Like, NONE of them. One guy is okay, but he lost me when he introduced himself as "Goil, you know, like gargoyle." That's like saying "hi, I'm Nancy, like cancer, but a little different" or "what's up, I'm Ted, rhymes with dead." No one wants to be associated with gargoyles, kid.


3. Host Todd Oldham's voice sounds EXACTLY like "The Bear in the Big Blue House." If you have kids or work with them, you know the voice. Listen to Oldham next time, it will sound like that giant bear is talking about futons and duvet covers. A little distracting.


4. They keep saying that the winning designer gets a spread in the magazine Elle Decor, as if it's one that everyone in the world knows and buys and reads on a regular basis. No. If you are in the business, or really into interior designing, it's basically your Vogue. But to someone like me who is writing this blog post by the light of a broken Target lamp and spent the last five years living out of those plastic dorm-y Tupperware drawers, it just sounds like they are talking about some Mexican superhero (I keep hearing "El Decor" and getting confused).


5. The judges say the most RIDICULOUS things. My favorite from tonight's episode:

-about a bed in a kid's room: "You can't get out of that bed without hurting yourself, and I just think that's wrong." Wow, way to go out on a limb and make a strong statement about your feelings regarding the controversial issue of children's safety.

-about using a tiny bit of black in an otherwise totally pink kid's room: "It looks funereal." You know, I've been trying to make my hair darker. Next time I'm telling my colorist to give me a more "funereal" look.

-"I felt that the room was pleasing. Like you walk in and it wasn't...ugly."

-"He was like the mayor of Excuses Village." This was an interesting choice. I would have probably opted for Excuseville if anything (we don't really live in villages anymore, do we?), but that's just me.

-"There's a mournful quality to that blue."

Whatever, you know I'll still watch it. I have to find something to fill the void between episodes of the War and Peace of television programs.