File this under "People Are Ridiculous, And Also Kind Of Gross"

Most of the time, I try my damnedest to avoid the long, drawn out rants about The Man that I really want to blog about. I do this for two reasons. One, if I get started, I will never stop. Really. And two, though I am totally justified 90% of the time (although I am right 100% of the time, I am never wrong, and if you think that the math doesn't add up I refer you to the aforementioned percentage of times I am incorrect about anything), OCCASIONALLY I get irrationally annoyed/bothered by things that the general public might think is weird (Jay Leno, people who make audible breathing noises while chewing, all styles of Ray-Ban sunglasses) and I don't like to bring out The Crazy until AT LEAST the 5th date (but if you breathe loudly through your nose while chewing on the 4th date, my plans might change).

But we need to talk about my insurance company, because they are kind of evil geniuses. My proof:

My insurance will cover the HPV vaccine -as they should, and if you're a woman and yours doesn't then enough of this misogynistic bullshit and we all need to band together as a gender and just refuse to propagate the species until our demands are met, which include but are not limited to: no taxes on feminine hygiene items, a definitive answer from the medical community regarding the synthetic hormone issue with menopause (and seriously, if every man had to choose between taking hormones and getting cancer and not taking hormones and getting heart disease, I truly believe there would be a better solution right now), and the inalienable right to sucker-punch any man who tries to blame any strong feelings that we have on PMS.

ANYWAY, here's the crafty insurance company crap-they'll cover the vaccine, but not the initial consultation that is required before you are allowed to get the vaccine. Apparently this is happening a lot. And it makes no sense because all the consultation entails is the doctor saying "this is the vaccine and this is what it does and this is what you should expect." And you can't refuse the consultation. And even if you could, I don't think many nurses are in the habit of just barging into a room and stabbing you in the forearm with a needle that contains some kind of mystery vaccine that you never requested. Although picture how badass that would be. It would certainly keep you on your toes; no time for reading back issues of Highlights when a nurse could pop up at any second and stick a needle in you.

While we're on the subject of ass-backwardness, I need to tell you what happened last night. I had what must officially be my Grossest Movie-going Experience In The Land, And That's Saying Something As I Have Been To A Billion Movies. So my brother and I go to see Shrek 3 (not bad, although should I be weirded out that I am still attracted to John Krasinski even when he's in animated form?) and out of the corner of my eye I see a girl in the row behind me put her feet on the chair next to me. Now, do I sometimes put my feet on chairs in the movies? Yes, especially when I go to one of the older theaters that don't have the stadium seats and I can put my legs over the chair in front of me and basically rest my feet on the seat and say Ha Ha Ha all of you short people are JEALOUS of my lengthy limbs. Do I ever do it if someone is sitting in the seat next to it? NO, never ever. But I am aware that most people do not have my unparalleled etiquette and class, so whatever. But THEN, oh my lord, Internet, THEN I glanced over and noticed....PRINCESS NASTY-ASS BEHIND ME HAS TAKEN OFF HER SHOES AND IS PUTTING HER NASTY-ASS BARE FEET MERE INCHES AWAY FROM MY FACE. I almost threw up all over the theater. So what did I do? Stood up and moved to the seat on the other side of my brother. I should have said something, but it's not my style. No, I prefer the more subtle, passive-aggressive approach of being so preoccupied with glaring at her and silently wishing that she'd get foot herpes or at least a good Gummi Bear-related infection that I have no clue what happened in the second half of the movie. As if I didn't hate this disgusting person and her friends enough as it was, I had to endure this conversation during the closing credits:

Nasty Girl: Wow, some of those references just went right over my head.
Nasty's Male Friend: I know. I think some of them were from movies in the 70's.
Nasty Girl: Who is John Cleese?
Me: You have got to be kidding me.
Nasty's Friend: Umm...not sure.
Me: Oh my God, I am going to be sick again
Nasty's Friend: Oh, isn't he from Monty Python?
Nasty: No, I don't think so.
Me: (nothing, as my head has exploded)

Karma is going to kick her in the teeth for a.) being so GROSS and INCONSIDERATE and b.)being so unappreciative of comedic talent. Also, to the best of my knowledge there is no current vaccine for foot herpes, and even if there was, I doubt very highly that insurance will cover it.

I'd love to turn you on

I just wasted an hour of my life watching "The 20 Sexiest Scenes" on Bravo. I disagreed with 90% of that crap*. First of all, I thought Ghost was great until I stopped being 13 and realized that a.) if a man that I said "I love you" to ever responded with "ditto", I'd be the one making him turn into a ghost and b.) ain't nothing sexy about getting clay in your underwear. The only thing I'll give them is the train scene in Risky Business; I forgot how cute pre-crazy Tom Cruise was.

So the countdown was hosted by Kathleen Turner. Guess what sexy movie moment is number one? I absolutely ABHOR Body Heat. That famous scene with Turner and William Hurt contains two of the things that I hate most in this world- moustaches (unless you're 1980's Tim Curry, don't come near me with that crap on your lip) and sweat. Plus the whole Hurt breaking through the window to get to Turner? No. No no no. There's a door right there, dude.


*man, am I glad I didn't admit that one of my favorite movie sex scenes of all time is the part in Clay Pigeons where Vince Vaughn is drinking a beer wearing only a cowboy hat and boxer-briefs, because it's right before his character, who's a serial killer, stabs that chick. And if I told you that, you might think I was weird.

Could this show BE any less entertaining?

Because there IS a God and he apparently hates trite, pretentious drivel as much as I do, the buzz on the street is that my TV show nemesis (yes, I have one), Studio Crap on the Sunset Strip, has been officially cancelled. If you never got the chance to see this gem, here's all you need to know:

-It's written by people who have never actually heard real human dialogue (wait-you mean people DON'T speak exclusively in rehearsed, quick-fire banter and contrived, 10 minute long soliloquies?)

- It was about a SNL-esque comedy sketch show and we were told countless times how hilarious and awesome this sketch show was, and yet there was one problem; the sketches that they showed were kind of amazingly un-funny. Like jokes about Tom Cruise and Scientology a good year after the Today Show debacle.

-In an effort to appear more high-brow, this show used more obscure television references than anyone watching would ever know what to do with. And seriously, guys; I KNOW obscure pop culture*. Believe me. If I don't get it, chances are most people won't get it, and then we have an "Emperor's New Clothes" situation where no one wants to admit that we don't know what the hell they're talking about.

-Lead actress Sarah Paulson is nowhere near as charming as she thinks she is and no one will tell her.

I'm sorry, but those who say "NO, everybody just doesn't understand it because it is GENIUS and SO SMART and you are all just too dumb for it!" are just people who are overcompensating because they didn't get Arrested Development (may you rest in peace, you beautiful, beautiful show). I get it, and "it" totally sucks.



*not so obscure, but did you get the Chandler Bing (played by Matthew Perry, who was on Studio 60) reference in the title of this post? Yeah. That's the kind of quality stuff you get when you read my blog, people. You're welcome.

Can we talk about how I think I broke my nose with my laptop?

Because really, I think I broke my nose with my laptop.

First of all-my laptop is HEAVY. It's not some ancient model from 20 years ago (I've had it for like a year), but it's an hp and it is heavy as hell. With pointed corners. Somehow, while getting into bed last night and trying to pull my computer up so I could watch something on it, it got too heavy for my arm and it ended up smashing me right on the bridge of my nose. Cursing, crying, and bleeding ensued.

Seriously, I feel like such an ass injuring myself this way. It's even funnier when you consider all of the activities that I had done earlier that evening that have extremely high nose-injuring potential; wrestling with my 95 pound dog, crazy pilates moves, basketball with my brother (in which I decided that elbowing, tripping, and kicking was allowed). Then again, I'm the chick who got a black eye in 5th grade during a jump-rope-a-thon, not from an actual jump rope, but from some girl hitting me in the cheek bone with the top of her head.




I tried to document the damage with my camera phone, but was less than successful-you can kind of see the mark right on the bridge and the darkness under my eyes, but not really.

At least it's better than this one, in which I have no nose at all and look like an anime version of myself.

OH MY GOD I DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE OWEN WILSON.

Sorry, the freak-outs are coming waves.