From a GOP convention....

Well no, of course not. Because a.) the house is clearly so-called NOT because it is literally a white house, but because of the skin color of its inhabitants, and b.) if we are allowed to change the name of it based on who lives there, we only have a few months to erect the "Dumbass Manor" sign (also, I suggest "I Shoot Old Men In The Face And The Nation Must Never Forget That" Ranch for Cheney's place).

I'm on a roll today. An angry, bitchy roll

Someone at CNN hates Roland Martin. I can't see any other reason why they'd let a so-called man of God embarrass himself like this by not pointing out why moving Election Day to a Saturday wouldn't work (I know it's an issue for Seventh-Day Adventists too, but I don't know if they have the "no working" requirements that wouldn't allow for driving to the polls or actually voting, as my folks do).

The Lohans make me all political-like

So I'm sick and have spent the day in bed sniffling, watching Denise Richards whine about whether or not she should do Playboy (her show EXHAUSTS me, for real) and worrying about Ali Lohan dealing with mean girls. In between, I caught last night's Daily Show, featuring my very own senator, Jim Webb of Virginia. Now, Senator Webb is not an entirely charismatic fellow. And I'm more than a little troubled by his hair. But I'm willing to overlook that because as he was talking about the crap he's getting from across the aisle in his attempt to pass the new GI Bill, I felt compelled to leap through my TV and throw my arms around the poor guy.

I'm an opinionated lady (this shocks you, I know), but I hesitate to talk politics here as often as I used to. I don't want to ostracize people, I don't want anyone to feel like I judge them for their political leanings. But this? INFURIATES ME. If you think that Democrats have some crazy ulterior motive of wanting to take troops away from a "war" (it's not even a war, and I can't stress that enough, no vote from Congress, our fearless leader found a loophole, etc., etc.) that they don't favor, then you, my friend, are crazy. If anything, it would provide a much-needed incentive to enlist when the idea of being sent on 84 consecutive tours of duty doesn't seem so appealing.

My grandfather was 17 when he had to turn down an acceptance from Julliard (he was a drummer-we had bad-assedness in my family even back in the 40's!) to go to Italy and fight. When he returned from the war, the GI Bill paid for him to go to medical school and become an OB/GYN. The bill gave him the chance to (somewhat) make up for the time and resources he lost while serving his country. That's what the new bill would do.

I don't ask this facetiously, I have been groping for an answer to this all day and legitimately want to know: EXACTLY what does the administration mean when they talk about the need to support the troops? Because they don't support them by giving them proper equipment. They don't support them by honoring contracts made with soldiers regarding the length of time they are to serve. They don't support them by providing adequate care after they are injured (hey, Walter Reed). And they don't support them by offering this one incentive in return for their service. Is it the magnetic yellow ribbons on cars? Is that how we're supporting the troops? Alright.

Things That Are Wrong With The World: An Exploratory Study in List Form

-Megan Fox, I think you are a very pretty lady. I'm not going to say anything about how you are younger than me but look ten years older, or about the burgeoning sun damage displayed on your skin (especially that shoulder, eek) or about how your penchant for lip injections and nose-jobs have made you unrecognizable from your former self. Regardless, I'd still love to look like you. HOWEVER.On what planet does this match? Judging by the obnoxious red sole, I'm going to assume these are Louboutins. Blah blah blah making your brand recognizable, blah blah, I get it. But I think it's tacky as hell when you can so obviously see and tell what it is. Did she go and find the pair with the most visible red? Because it's not like the tan and red shoes go with the black and pink dress. Eeek. And also?


I love irony. Unless you don't consider 8 pounds of lipstick, spray-tanner, lips full of synthetic crap, false-eyelashes, and a ridiculously puffy dress to fall into the category of "gilded".




-They all have the same hairstyle! And Simmons is TOTALLY leering at her! I love it. He can teach her how to rock and roll all night, and she can tell him the best places to buy shoes during a national disaster!




-I find the bright red "Now Open Saturdays!" sign on my bank to be an insult. Someone please explain banks and their absurd hours to me. What kind of a business closes at 4 pm?



-What. Seriously. Also, remember when you wore a peacock on your head in the movie and it looked like a victim of impaling-by-bird was getting married? It made me uncomfortable. This just makes me feel a little sad for the inequality expressed for your ankles. Why must the right one be naked and exposed, while the left maintains its dignity? For shame, Sarah Jessica. For shame.


- "This is an absolutely huge, huge story for us. Essentially you have two of the most beautiful, famous people in the world. We've all seen they've had one baby, Shiloh, and it is the coolest, most adorable baby on the planet. And this time they're having two? It can't get any better"-Sarah Ivens, editor in chief for OK! magazine, talking about Brad and Angelina's twins, jacked from Perez. I want to be friends with this Sarah Ivens, or anyone who is going to talk about a baby using the same adjectives they would in talking about a handbag or Pete Wentz (or whatever celebri-tool the kids are into these days). Shiloh's really "cool", did you say, Sarah? Homegirl doesn't know how to use the toilet. I have low expectations, but that's pretty much my baseline for "cool" determinant. Must be able to use the bathroom sans Brad Pitt and not eat sand.

-My main 'mo has been desperately searching for Ben and Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie ice-cream and it is NOWHERE. Seriously. I have hunted and searched and called. The "flavor locater" on the web-site (shut it) ALLEGES that they have it at a Wegman's in Newark, NY and we were entirely prepared to drive the 120 mile round-trip last night, but further investigation showed that they did not in fact have any in stock. I enjoy the thrill of the chase and would like my friend to have this ice-cream that she loves, but right now it's becoming a borderline obsession. This is my holy grail. I will find it and then something will happen with Jesus, maybe.*


*Editor's Note: There's a slight chance that the Jewish author of this blog isn't entirely clear on the concept. Excuse her ignorance.