I think I burst a sarcasm vessel with this one, friends-I apologize if it's dripping off this post

Reporter from christian/conservative magazine with huge ones asks producer of "Kings" about including a gay character, basically suggests/threatens that Christians won't watch the show:

http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/33182707.html

1. Granted, this show is probably bad.
2. It's a "modern interpretation" of the biblical story of King David.

I am in COMPLETE AGREEMENT. Unless they show the characters keeping kosher, then this ALTERNATE AND FICTITIOUS REALITY will be unacceptable to me, and I will boycott it wholeheartedly. As someone who studies the media, I also encourage EVERYONE to ONLY watch/read/listen to things that affirm their already held beliefs. So if you're a right-wing conservative, then definitely view FOX and Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh as giving you "The News"! You're not at all being a hypocrite by screeching "mainstream-media bias!" and then running to the most close-minded "sources" you can find! War and economy stressing you out? Just read Perez Hilton for news! No, you shouldn't be exposed to anything unsavory or not already in alignment with your beliefs.

And on that note, why on earth do we need ANOTHER gay character on network television?! It's like, enough already! We already had one three or four years ago, please.*

*Kind of unrelated, but while I'm ranting about "diversity" on television, why not: I love when Tyra thinks she's shattering beauty ideals, and yet gives 95% of African-American top model contestants long, straight weaves, 90% of white contestants bleached blonde hair, and has included like 3 Asian women ever in the 1243 seasons of America's Next Top Model. Seriously.

SIDEBAR:

Also, because I posted about "The L Word", Google AdSense is now advertising ways to "meet lesbian singles!!" on this page. That's fine with me. If lesbians want to use this blog as a place to meet each other, they have my blessing. It beats the hell out of the ads for laser hair removal that have been hanging around for FAR too long (WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME, GOOGLE?!).

FACT:

On Friday I will be able to sing/screech the lines "WELL I'VE NEVER BEEN TO HEEEAVEEEEEEN/BUT I'VE BEEN TO OKLAHOOOOOMA" because it will be TRUE as I am going there to present research on "The Pick-up Artist" and Dr. Phil. Yes, I am taking papers about my two most loathed men in television to the southwest. Also, it should be noted that I am starting a doctoral program in the fall which will mean that I will essentially be doing things like this for a living. I don't totally understand my life, but it's an interesting one.

It's like, totally unexpected good.

I tried with the L Word last year, I really did. I borrowed DVD's from a friend, and I actually dug the first season. Then the second season came and everything was weird and Jenny continued to suck (sorry if you don't watch it and don't know who I'm talking about-usually I would say don't bother, but I've had a change of heart, as you will soon see) and I resented that she was a Jewish brunette writer who was crazy (WAAAAAAAAY too close to home for my liking, thanks) and everything was DRAMA. ALL. THE. TIME. For a show that was supposed to be progressive, it did nothing but perpetuate every stereotype about what happens when women get together with other women. Here's what I learned about lesbian relationships from that show:
1. There's a lot of talking. About feelings. Like, ALL OF THE TIME.
2. Everything's dramatic, and everyone expects people to know what they're thinking/feeling without verbally expressing it.
3. Lesbians can't socialize/have friendships with straight men. EVER.
4. Seriously, ALL THE TIME WITH THE FEELINGS.

Also, in this Hollywoodified version of lesbianism, everyone is very, very good looking. Now, as a media-savvy, educated straight person, I know this is not reality. At least not for most lesbians that I know. And I am an expert because like a good little media researcher, I asked a bona-fide lesbian "Is this the way that, the way that you live? And love?" as the screechingly annoying theme song heralds. "Um, no, no it is not," this lesbian responded. So I know what I'm talking about here.

The last season of the L Word started recently, and I'm a sucker for final seasons of any show. It gets me. Makes me sad. Pulls on the 'ol heartstrings a little. So I decided to give it a try, and let me tell you this: FRIENDS. If you had given up on the L Word before, COME BACK. I don't know what the hell happened. Perhaps the writers woke up and said "hey, we've straight run out of melodrama. Huh." Or maybe they looked around and decided that real life is getting pretty damn serious, so maybe they don't need to take their little Showtime production quite as seriously. But people, believe me when I say, it is awesome and hilarious. I present to you my two pieces of evidence, and they both happened in episode 3 of this season. One of the things that I love is (artful!!) self-referential television, and the L Word is working it like the rent is due:

1.) At the beginning of the episode, Jenny and Shane are in the kitchen and they've both just slept together for the first time. Shane is a hairdresser (if you're new to the show, don't be fooled by the fact that her hair looks like it's an actual mop right now, she is indeed a hairdresser), and Jenny asks her if she's going to cut Patrick Dempsey's hair that morning. Shane responds by saying no, she's doing Eric Mabius. Eric Mabius (currently on Ugly Betty), played Jenny's fiancee Tim in the first season of the L Word. This conversation is taking place partly off camera and certainly not in the foreground (they weren't forcing it in the viewer's face), but if you paid attention you caught it. And BAM! goes the fourth wall. Sweet.

2.) This one I just discovered, and textual analysis makes me all giddy inside, so I'm psyched and am not going to even google to see if other people caught it, because I like to think of myself as somewhat of a genius (shut it). Later in the episode, Alice and Shane are in a restaurant recapping Shane's blossoming love affair with the Gross and Weird Jenny. The following conversation takes place:

Shane: It was good.
Alice: How good?
Shane: Like, better than I was expecting good.


Ok, now, I missed this the first time, but I just had this episode on and my head snapped to the TV when this happened and had to rewind. BECAUSE if you don't watch the L Word, chances are you know the actress who plays Alice as the star of The Most Annoying Ad Campaign In History, otherwise known as the dumb Yoplait girl. Who says things like "this yogurt is soooooo goood. It's like, just bought a new pair of shoes good. It's like, not having to wear an ugly bridesmaid dress good. It's like, having a great hair day good." YOU KNOW the ones. Horrific. Anyway, I rewound, and sure enough, they are eating yogurt while having this conversation. GENIUS.

Ok, I'm done now. But really, check it out if you were a fan who went astray. Also, Oscar predictions: A lot of over-paid people congratulating each other, more of Mickey Rourke's face than I feel is really necessary, and Ryan Seacrest accosting Brad and Angelina.



Also equally entertaining: Katherine Moennig's (who plays Shane) IMDB boards, wherein thousands of young teenage girls flock to discuss their sexual confusion over being attracted to her. Ladies, allow me to analyze, if you will. You say you're straight, and not attracted to any other women, but you're into Ms. Moennig? It MIGHT be because SHE LOOKS KIND OF LIKE A DUDE. I'm not saying you're definitely not a lesbian, or bisexual, but really. I'd warn against using your attraction to this chick as a sexuality Litmus test if you're looking to define yourself in black and white terms...

The Big Huge Groundbreaking Britney Expose

Here is what I learned:

1.)Papa Spears deserves the Secretary of State position. He handled that mess like none other
2.)Britney is a child, and dangerously close to entering Michael Jackson territory as she gets older
3.) Madonna looks better at 50 than I have ever looked in my life


Also, favorite quotes from the show:
"People shave their heads all the time"
and
"You just want to go out and walk with your friends and feel the crispy air"

I feel ya, Britney Jean. I can't remember a time when I got to walk in "crispy" air.

Things of Note

1.I really don't understand why my reason for not applying to Ohio State or Purdue for doctoral programs was met with such mockery from my mother. Clearly someone has not dealt with Big Ten rivalries firsthand. They would surely revoke my Hoosier status immediately.*

2. I think we can safely say that it was my last, brilliant blog post that swung the Old Dominion. You're welcome, President-elect Obama.

3.On that same note, THANK GOD for CNN's magical hologram machine. Because lord knows we needed SOMETHING to get the nation to wake up and focus on the election.


*I BLEED CREAM AND CRIMSON, BABY

Don't It Make My Red State Blue....

I was three years old the first time I cried over a presidential election.

My parents and I were on a flight back to DC when the pilot announced over the loudspeaker that Bush 1 (the one who projectile-vomited on the lap of the Japanese Prime Minister, not the one who got a black eye whilst eating a pretzel) had won the election over Michael Dukakis (also, did you know that today's his birthday?!). It's important for you to know exactly how my parents indoctrinated me into my political leanings. I don't remember exactly, but I'm told it went a little something like this:

Me: Hi Mommy, please explain politics to me
Mom: Well honey, we're Democrats and we believe that the government should help people who need it. Republicans don't want to help those people. Does that seem fair?
Me: No, that sounds very terrible. I hope that the mean, bad Republican doesn't win on election day.

So you can imagine my dismay and the way it broke my tiny, three-year old heart when Evil triumphed over Good. I was destroyed. What would this mean for me, my family, my country? What if, God forbid, Cookie Monster's penchant for the pastries finally caught up with him and he had to have cardio-vascular surgery, which he could not afford?! What if Rainbow Brite fell on hard times and couldn't pay her rent? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT ABOUT STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE?!

Now I am older. I am wiser. I understand that politics is more complicated than that, and that being a Republican doesn't make you evil, and being a Democrat doesn't make you good (although in all fairness, it probably makes you less likely to speak ill of gay people and then get caught trying to have anonymous, weird foot-tapping gay sex in a public restroom). And as a Democrat in this country, I've experienced many, many more years of not agreeing with my president and, sometimes, thinking he is about as qualified to run my country as any of the aforementioned fictional children's characters are.

I remember watching Obama's speech at the convention prior to the Kerry/Bush election and thinking "wow-I wish this guy would run right now." He was inspiring. Kerry was the lesser of two evils.

At some point in this election process, many, many McCain supporters have turned that idea of inspiration, the concept of "hope", into a punchline. Something negative. I'm sorry, but I WANT more for my country. I want us to be successful here and abroad. I want to be able to proudly declare my citizenship while in other countries without having to worry that the person I'm speaking with already hates me because of my nationality. I want a person who I feel is overwhelmingly GOOD, just plain good, in the White House. I don't want more of the same. I don't want a president so arrogant, so unresponsive to Americans and what's best for them that he would chose someone like Sarah Palin as his running mate. I want the guy running under the concepts of "hope" and "change" rather than the one using fear tactics to scare Americans into being complacent robots like the Bush administration has continued to do following 9/11. I want something better than that for the United States. I want Barack Obama.

I'll be honest, I'm terrified about tomorrow. I've been so hopeful and optimistic about the outcome of this election, that a future without Obama winning just seems too bleak and depressing to bear. But I'll buck up and deal if I have to. At least alcohol is available to me this time around (can you believe that my flamingly liberal parents wouldn't let me have a TINY bit of vodka to mix with my chocolate milk?! Socialists).

Now let me tell you about the last time I cried over a presidential election. I went home two weeks ago and voted Absentee In-Person in the great state of Virginia, a state that could potentially vote Democrat for this first time in over 40 years. While I think that they need a better, less oxymoronical name, it was a great, great option. I wanted to cast my ballot in person. My 14 year old brother accompanied me into the voting booth, and I made him stop and just stare at the ballot after I'd marked, VERY CAREFUL, the Obama/Biden position.

"Do you see this? I want you to remember this. One day you'll tell your kids about it. I think we just voted for the first black President of the United States."

Vote tomorrow, friends. And if things don't turn out like I hope and pray they will, then there's always 2012. And Canada. Just an option, all I'm saying.

"Colin Powell Endorses Barack Obama"

Aaaaaaaaand scene. I think it's fitting that Mr. Powell put the final nail in the McCain/Palin Coffin of Suck, as he is really the only one tainted by the Bush administration's reign of terror that I actually felt bad for.


Also, "Saturday Night Live"? Awkward as all hell, no? Let's see why:

-Unlike other appearances of political figures (Janet Reno, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, etc.), the fine thespians of SNL have made it no secret, onscreen and off, that they HATE Palin. They hate her. Tina Fey said she would leave the planet if McCain/Palin won. So to have to share the stage with her and interact like the traditional format has always been for these kinds of cameos would have been impossible. So she wasn't let in on the joke. She just kind of sat around while she was the joke. And that was weird. It also shows me how out of touch she is with the average American. While "Joe Six-Pack" or whoever might hunt and enjoy it, I don't think he'd find the act of killing moose or other animals funny. The fact that she'd sit there bopping along (confirming EVERY SINGLE STEREOTYPE about white people and rhythm, or lack thereof) while Amy Poehler rapped and shot a fake moose was absurd to me. SHE DOES NOT GET IT.

-Also, she wore black, knee-high hooker boots. With bare legs. What the hell are you doing, Palin.

-ALSO, SNL: WHEN YOU ARE HAVING THE KINDS OF RATINGS THAT YOU HAVE NEVER HAD IN HISTORY AND YOU'RE GUARANTEED ANOTHER HUUUUUGE AUDIENCE THIS WEEK, WHY THE HELL WOULDN'T YOU TRY TO, I DON'T KNOW, BE FUNNY!?? TO GET THESE PEOPLE TO STICK AROUND?! WHY WOULD YOU INCLUDE A SKETCH WITH GROWN MEN CALLING EACH OTHER "MR. FARTFACE", OR THAT HORRIFIC ONE AT THE END WITH THE FALL FOLIAGE?! WHY?! DO YOU NOT LIKE TO BE FUNNY?! SERIOUSLY!?!? I WANT AN ANSWER!!!!!

Don't come around, I've got my own hell to raise

I suppose this is a bad time for me to rediscover my intense, burning, passionate OMG EMO (before there was such a vague yet hilarious concept) love of Fiona Apple's Tidal. Considering I have 493030 things to do and none of them entail me reverting back to 1997 Jenn and lying on my bed with my big black Doc Martens resting on my violet-colored walls next to the pictures of Jakob Dylan and Maxwell while listening wistfully to Ms. Apple. But seriously, the album is a masterpiece and if you disagree, I will cut you (did you not read where I told you that I used to wear Doc Martens?! AM SERIOUS BADASS AT HEART).

What happened to her, besides that crazy awards show breakdown (I forget and am entirely too lazy to verify which one, but I want to say VMA's or something of the like)? I loved her. She was like Tori Amos but with intelligent lyrics (oh that's right, I said it-bring it Amos fans, I'm not afraid of you or your orange-haired demigod). I mean, honestly, I defy you to listen to Never is a Promise and then find me a song that is so achingly beautiful.

Also, remember Maxwell?

Remember the pretzel!?!?!?

"Republicans, stop calling Obama elitist (because the real reason you don't like him is because he's smarter than you)"

Ok, I'm not the biggest Bill Maher fan (especially lately-have you seen him? Homeboy looks like he's wearing a Bill Maher mask, it's quite alarming). It might be because he is even more dramatic than I am about the state of politics in this country and when faced with my own medicine, it makes me stressed. At least I can admit that. But I agree 100% with this piece.

Somewhere we decided that the president of our country should be just like "one of the boys". That's so weird to me. I don't want a president who's just like me; I want one who is better. I want one who is smarter. I want one that won't get a black eye from eating a pretzel, or, to be frank, suffer any kind of bodily harm from consuming bar food.*

Besides, can you really play the "elitist" card when McCain doesn't know how many houses he owns, and his wife wears a $300,000 outfit to sit in an audience and look Stepford-esque?

*Note: no, I never get tired of that story. Never ever ever.

McCain-Palin sounds like some kind of medical syndrome

Hey, remember when McCain picked Tina Fey as his running mate?
Nice move, GOP. This nomination was brilliant on two levels. You very shrewdly realized that:

a.) besides having tiny lady brains and a penchant for ironing things, us females are contractually obligated to vote for any ticket containing a woman's name

and

b.)any random woman=African-American man. It's all the same to us!

I can appreciate the last ditch effort to steal any possible Hillary supporters. But I know many, and I'm fairly certain that for them, issues trump the presence or absence of ovaries in a candidate.

Also, Obama's speech? I have no words. I'll even excuse the once again hilarious misuse of Springsteen's "Born in the USA" as a patriotic song afterwards, so amazing was that speech.

"Who Is That Making Jenn Gag?"

So, ok. Maybe I'm SLIGHTLY jaded and a LITTLE cynical. Maybe I look at the world differently than most people, or maybe I'm just cold and heartless. Who's to say. HOWEVER, I stand by my assertion that this website is one of the most disturbing and ridiculous things I've ever come across in my 25 years of coming across things.

Entitled "Who Is That With Jeremy?", this blog features some random toddler whose parents have decided it was a super idea to drag him all around the world to pose with "famous" people (let's just say that some of the folks pictured with little Jeremy are slightly less than A-List). The best part about this is that Jeremy is quickly growing, as those damn babies tend to do, so now the parents are forcing a sizable kid on these celebs, who, unaccustomed to carrying their own children, let along someone else's, tend to hold him by the armpits and look uncomfortable.

Thank you, Tyra. I needed this today.

I am in NO POSITION to be blogging, I know (I have so much to do it's ridiculous) but OH MY HELL I needed everyone to see this new ad for America's Next Top Model Cycle 11:


I don't know whether I like Tyra's shoes or her hair more, but I do know that nothing captures the spirit of the 60's quite like a bunch of wilting models who look like they barely have enough energy to lift their hands to make a peace sign.

High school's better than junior high. They'll call you names, but not as much.

So Heather Matarazzo (who lame people will know only as Anne Hathaway's friend in The Princess Diaries) just got engaged to her lady friend.

Now, as you and I are cool and alternative and know that mainstream indie films are far superior to mainstream "normie" films (as some of my Media Studying comrades would call them), we remember Heather as Dawn Weiner in Welcome to the Dollhouse, the 1995 movie that made us all feel a little bit better about our middle-school social standing.

In this movie, Heather's character is infatuated with this super cool, older, popular guy who plays guitar and sports a pretty sweet early 90's rocker mullet. Now, I want you to look at the first picture in this post and tell me TO MY FACE that Heather's girlfriend doesn't TOTALLY look like mullet rocking Steve Rogers!

Coincidence? I think not.