But I'm Still Sad About "Sassy"

I'm not sure of the exact moment when Jane magazine jumped the shark. I do know that it plummeted into an irreparable state of suck once the new editor-in-chief started last year, but it must have started prior to that. I guess when even Jane wants out of Jane, things can't be going well.



The point is, it's been steadily declining for a while now, but I've stuck by it. Because when Jane was good, it was GOOD. It was what made me want to major in magazine journalism, what helped me navigate the dismal abyss of teenage-dom when all Cosmo and Glamour wanted to do was tell me "50 Sizzling Sex Secrets That Your Man Wants You To Know NOW!" and explain why coral lipstick was going to change my life this season. I loved everything about it-the bitchy responses to reader mail, the distinct feel of the pages, the painfully honest editorials, the lack of diet tips, the sometimes less than polite language. But it eventually succumbed to the pressure brought on by the InTouch, USWeekly wave and little by little Jane began to change, and not for the better.



So when I heard that Jane finally folded last week, I was sad for about two seconds. And then I cracked open the latest issue and realized that this was not an untimely death, but rather a mercy-killing. Because what I found on page 84, "The Slacker's Guide To Looking Swanky", was just too sad and pathetic for my life. Please note: these "beauty" tips suck and are dangerous, not only to the entire women's rights movement, but to your actual health-they might literally kill you:



"Lip gloss brushed on your teeth will keep your smile luminous and help lips stay moisturized."
Why not just squirt it on your tongue and eat it. Nothing like a chapped and dull esophagus to turn a man off.

"Try a nontoxic red Sharpie for a long lasting lip stain. Dot along your lips and blend with a natural balm."
Because if it's nontoxic, then by all means, color your face with it. This is basically the grown-up equivalent of eating glue. Also, I don't really know any women who have NO extra tubes of lipstick/gloss lying around, but a surplus of red markers. And if you're doing this at work, then I hope they fire your ass for being creepy and weird.



And my personal favorite:
"Apply a lip plumper to your nipples if you're going sans bra for an attention getting pop."
This is just...wrong. And sounds painful. And dangerous. And inappropriate. And RIDICULOUS. And since when is this something that we want? (Straight) men are most likely going to be looking at your breasts anyway. That just happens. Is this necessary?


R.I.P, Jane. Make sure to smear motor-oil on your eyelids and exfoliate your nose with a Brillo pad before your head up to that editorial meeting in the sky.

Really, really proud to be a Virginian right now

Max and I are less than amused with this bullshit

I know, I'm not usually prone to making snap judgements or flying off the handle or being overly dramatic EVER AT ALL. However, if this is true? Throw away the effing key, man.

Some highlights:


"Some dogs were killed after being "rolled," a process by which dogs are tested to determine if they are ferocious fighters. However, in one case, a female pit bull was injured in a fight that cost Vick and his co-defendants $13,000, according to the indictment.

After Vick was consulted about the canine's condition, one of his co-defendants "executed the losing dog by wetting the dog down with water and electrocuting the animal," the indictment states.

Various other methods were used to kill dogs that fought or tested poorly, including hanging, drowning, shooting, and in at least one case, slamming the dog to the ground, the indictment says.

The indictment alleges that the Falcons phenom and his cohorts engaged in other disturbing practices and that a raid on a home in Virginia uncovered items like "breaking sticks" -- used for prying fighting dogs' jaws apart -- and a "rape stand" used to tie down aggressive female dogs for breeding."




To make up for the violence being perpetrated towards his brethren and appease the guilt that I feel for a.)living in the same state as these bastards and b.) belonging to the same species as said bastards, I have given Max a new bone, dog ice-cream, and about 80 thousand treats in the past few hours. I'm going to make a wonderful Jewish mother someday.

Racism. Gangsta Rap. Intrigue on the High Seas.

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island (AP) -- The longtime chairman of the Roger Williams University board admitted Monday to using the N-word during a board meeting, saying it "kind of slipped out."
"I apologized for that," Ralph Papitto said in an interview on WPRO-AM. "What else can I do? Kill myself?"

1.)Who is this Roger Williams, and how did he get his own university? Because I really, really want one too.

2.) I don't exactly understand how this could just "slip out". I don't think I've ever actually said that word out loud, for real. Granted, this guy is like 754 years old (or 80, whatev) so I SUPPOSE he could say that he used that word like 60 years ago when it wasn't as socially reprehensible and he hasn't used it since and it just slipped, as words are wont to do after not being used at all for 60 years in the land of the magical Roger Williams University (seriously, who is this guy??*). Except....

'"The first time I heard it was on television or rap music or something," he told WPRO."

DAMN IT RALPH, I'm trying to help you out here. I find it hard to believe that a chairman of a college who was like 40 years old during the Civil Rights Movement NEVER HEARD THE N-WORD until Dr. Dre came around and effed up his universe.


3.)Yes, Ralph. You should just kill yourself. Because if people are still disappointed at disgusting bigotry coming from a leader at a university even after said leader gave his all-healing apology, they must want you to kill yourself. Did you first hear that from an episode of Gilmore Girls or something?


*ALLEGEDLY he was some kind of early English settler and theologian . I really wanted him to be a pirate. Disappointed.

10 Things To Tell My 16-Year-Old Self

1. Don't be afraid to wear high-heels. And for God's sake, get over the fact that those boys teased you in 6th grade for being taller than the teacher.

2. Everyone is lying to you-you will never ever ever EVER use Algebra, Geometry, or Trig. Never ever. In fact, in 8 years you'll take the GRE's and rely on formulas that you straight up invented in your head to score above average on the math section.


3. Don't freak out about the car (or lack thereof) situation. In a few months, your dad will cave and give you the red Explorer to drive when he realizes that he needs someone to pick up your youngest siblings from private school on Mondays.


4. Don't take yourself so damn seriously. Your parents are the grown-ups, you don't have to worry about everything and try to fix everyone's problems.


5. Pay attention and LEARN PAGEMAKER NOW. Because it's going to be really embarrassing in two years when you're managing editor of your school paper and you still don't know how to work the computers but have to pretend like you know everything, and you're forced to publicly berate and abuse freshmen to deflect attention from your incompetency.


6. One of the best things about you is that you don't cave into peer pressure. In 8 years you won't regret not getting high with that sketchy 20-something waiter in the parking lot of the Silver Diner.


7. You don't look good as a blonde now, you're not going to look good as a blonde when you do this again in 6 years.


8. Don't quit physical therapy for your dislocated knee just because Hot Physical Therapist moved to Las Vegas. Because being able to predict the weather based solely on how badly your cartilage is cracking won't help you pick up as many men as you think when you're 24.


9. Just say no to dumbing yourself down to appease the fragile teenage male ego. And white eye-liner. Avoid both at all costs.



10. Things will get better. They're going to get a hell of a lot worse first, but they will get better.

Stop and smell the...disposable razors?

I use these razors:

No, it's not Hair Removal Sunday. And I'm not being paid to endorse them by BIC (but should BIC want to pay me, I will whore it out for them so fast their little pivoting razor heads will spin). The purpose of me sharing this with you is to preface a little story. So today I go to pick up some of these razors at Target. Now, I notice that right next to the usual kind of "Soleil" razors is what looks to be a package of the same razors, just in a different purple-y color. So I buy them. I'm adventurous. I like purple. What's the harm, right? WRONG.

I was just about to take a shower, so I grabbed the package of razors and that's when I noticed it. These were not my usual razors in a different color scheme. No, these were far more sinister.

These were razors with scented handles.

Let's list why this is ridiculous, shall we?

1. These razors are used by women. Not little girls. Women can handle products that come in colors other than pink and aren't scented all girly-like and crap. I have a pretty good idea where the notion that we needed scented plastic items. I call this the "Strawberry Shortcake Doll Syndrome".

2. The website explains that they "chose lavender based on our research, which showed the relaxing scent is popular today in a variety of health and beauty care products". Read that again. Their "research" basically included going to CVS and looking at the shelves. They didn't actually do any research about the scent at all.

3. How are you supposed to smell this anyway? Unless these are designed for women WITH MOUSTACHES THAT THEY SHAVE WITH RAZORS, then I don't understand how you get the razors close enough to your nose to enjoy the soothing, relaxing scent.

4. Lastly, soothed and relaxed are not two things that I want to be while holding a blade.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go set women back a few decades by using this crap.