Hey, I have an idea where I can put the boots though

Me: Hi, I was wondering if you had any boots in womens' size 11 in stock (FOR MY 16 YEAR OLD SISTER WHO'S AWAY AT CAMP, NOT ME, DON'T LECTURE ABOUT HOW I DON'T NEED ANY MORE SHOES)

Cheerful Target Employee: Well, I know we had some BIG SIZES, let me check!


Hi, I know my (and my poor, poor sister's) feet are big. 11.5 is not a dainty shoe size. But seriously. There's just no need for that.

Also! Did you notice? I have a new domain name!! This only took about 4 hours to do, as I soon discovered that EVERY SINGLE DOMAIN NAME ON THE INTERNET IS NOW TAKEN. I was even going to go with "jennlovesphil.com" because I DO, but even that was already claimed (congrats to Jennifer and Phillip Friday of Illinois on their recent wedding, by the way-the pictures are just gorgeous!). Google had some good suggestions for me, though. I'm still wondering if I should have gone with www.pongqueen.com, but I think I made the right decision.

As a parting gift, I leave with two pictures of myself from a few months ago (I know! You're welcome). I just figured out how to add effects and do fun things with pictures on my Super Fancy Mac, even though I still don't know what I'm doing, other than moving things around and it makes the picture look fancy. We can now add this to the growing List Of Things I Know How To Do On My Super Fancy Mac That I've Had Since January:
1. Turn it on
2. Connect to the Internet
3. Open iTunes
4. CHANGE COLORS OF PICTURES WAHOO!!

Ugggggh, stupid, stupid fake bangs

Candy cigarette, kids. Because smoking kills, but everyone knows that it LOOKS really, really cool.

From a GOP convention....

Well no, of course not. Because a.) the house is clearly so-called NOT because it is literally a white house, but because of the skin color of its inhabitants, and b.) if we are allowed to change the name of it based on who lives there, we only have a few months to erect the "Dumbass Manor" sign (also, I suggest "I Shoot Old Men In The Face And The Nation Must Never Forget That" Ranch for Cheney's place).

I'm on a roll today. An angry, bitchy roll

Someone at CNN hates Roland Martin. I can't see any other reason why they'd let a so-called man of God embarrass himself like this by not pointing out why moving Election Day to a Saturday wouldn't work (I know it's an issue for Seventh-Day Adventists too, but I don't know if they have the "no working" requirements that wouldn't allow for driving to the polls or actually voting, as my folks do).

The Lohans make me all political-like

So I'm sick and have spent the day in bed sniffling, watching Denise Richards whine about whether or not she should do Playboy (her show EXHAUSTS me, for real) and worrying about Ali Lohan dealing with mean girls. In between, I caught last night's Daily Show, featuring my very own senator, Jim Webb of Virginia. Now, Senator Webb is not an entirely charismatic fellow. And I'm more than a little troubled by his hair. But I'm willing to overlook that because as he was talking about the crap he's getting from across the aisle in his attempt to pass the new GI Bill, I felt compelled to leap through my TV and throw my arms around the poor guy.

I'm an opinionated lady (this shocks you, I know), but I hesitate to talk politics here as often as I used to. I don't want to ostracize people, I don't want anyone to feel like I judge them for their political leanings. But this? INFURIATES ME. If you think that Democrats have some crazy ulterior motive of wanting to take troops away from a "war" (it's not even a war, and I can't stress that enough, no vote from Congress, our fearless leader found a loophole, etc., etc.) that they don't favor, then you, my friend, are crazy. If anything, it would provide a much-needed incentive to enlist when the idea of being sent on 84 consecutive tours of duty doesn't seem so appealing.

My grandfather was 17 when he had to turn down an acceptance from Julliard (he was a drummer-we had bad-assedness in my family even back in the 40's!) to go to Italy and fight. When he returned from the war, the GI Bill paid for him to go to medical school and become an OB/GYN. The bill gave him the chance to (somewhat) make up for the time and resources he lost while serving his country. That's what the new bill would do.

I don't ask this facetiously, I have been groping for an answer to this all day and legitimately want to know: EXACTLY what does the administration mean when they talk about the need to support the troops? Because they don't support them by giving them proper equipment. They don't support them by honoring contracts made with soldiers regarding the length of time they are to serve. They don't support them by providing adequate care after they are injured (hey, Walter Reed). And they don't support them by offering this one incentive in return for their service. Is it the magnetic yellow ribbons on cars? Is that how we're supporting the troops? Alright.

Things That Are Wrong With The World: An Exploratory Study in List Form

-Megan Fox, I think you are a very pretty lady. I'm not going to say anything about how you are younger than me but look ten years older, or about the burgeoning sun damage displayed on your skin (especially that shoulder, eek) or about how your penchant for lip injections and nose-jobs have made you unrecognizable from your former self. Regardless, I'd still love to look like you. HOWEVER.On what planet does this match? Judging by the obnoxious red sole, I'm going to assume these are Louboutins. Blah blah blah making your brand recognizable, blah blah, I get it. But I think it's tacky as hell when you can so obviously see and tell what it is. Did she go and find the pair with the most visible red? Because it's not like the tan and red shoes go with the black and pink dress. Eeek. And also?


I love irony. Unless you don't consider 8 pounds of lipstick, spray-tanner, lips full of synthetic crap, false-eyelashes, and a ridiculously puffy dress to fall into the category of "gilded".




-They all have the same hairstyle! And Simmons is TOTALLY leering at her! I love it. He can teach her how to rock and roll all night, and she can tell him the best places to buy shoes during a national disaster!




-I find the bright red "Now Open Saturdays!" sign on my bank to be an insult. Someone please explain banks and their absurd hours to me. What kind of a business closes at 4 pm?



-What. Seriously. Also, remember when you wore a peacock on your head in the movie and it looked like a victim of impaling-by-bird was getting married? It made me uncomfortable. This just makes me feel a little sad for the inequality expressed for your ankles. Why must the right one be naked and exposed, while the left maintains its dignity? For shame, Sarah Jessica. For shame.


- "This is an absolutely huge, huge story for us. Essentially you have two of the most beautiful, famous people in the world. We've all seen they've had one baby, Shiloh, and it is the coolest, most adorable baby on the planet. And this time they're having two? It can't get any better"-Sarah Ivens, editor in chief for OK! magazine, talking about Brad and Angelina's twins, jacked from Perez. I want to be friends with this Sarah Ivens, or anyone who is going to talk about a baby using the same adjectives they would in talking about a handbag or Pete Wentz (or whatever celebri-tool the kids are into these days). Shiloh's really "cool", did you say, Sarah? Homegirl doesn't know how to use the toilet. I have low expectations, but that's pretty much my baseline for "cool" determinant. Must be able to use the bathroom sans Brad Pitt and not eat sand.

-My main 'mo has been desperately searching for Ben and Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie ice-cream and it is NOWHERE. Seriously. I have hunted and searched and called. The "flavor locater" on the web-site (shut it) ALLEGES that they have it at a Wegman's in Newark, NY and we were entirely prepared to drive the 120 mile round-trip last night, but further investigation showed that they did not in fact have any in stock. I enjoy the thrill of the chase and would like my friend to have this ice-cream that she loves, but right now it's becoming a borderline obsession. This is my holy grail. I will find it and then something will happen with Jesus, maybe.*


*Editor's Note: There's a slight chance that the Jewish author of this blog isn't entirely clear on the concept. Excuse her ignorance.

We have an "Emperor's New Clothes" siuation here

I know, I KNOW. I have beaten this to death, but I am obsessed. Obsessed with finding out who in their right mind would want "HOSPITAL HOLDS WEDDING FOR DYING MAN" ON A T-SHIRT?!?!?!?!?!?!!??

Why is no one else severely disturbed by this? I feel a strong disconnect with the rest of humanity, because this just seems so weird, absurd, and wrong to me.

Will someboday PLEASE do something wacky so I can get a cute tank top?

So in case yesterday's headlines didn't do it for you, this morning we've got "Drivers honk, scream to get $3.55 gas" (yeah, and if the amount you paid for gas isn't killing your budget, why not buy an over-priced T-shirt) "Don't adjust monitor...puppy IS green" ("Don't use full sentence...). Shockingly, "Coyotes attack kids on playground, yard" and "Hezbollah takes control of western Beirut" aren't available. YET....

Put these on booty shorts and we'll talk

So I noticed this last week, but thought it was some kind of a joke. Or that someone hacked into cnn.com. Or that the finals week-related stress and lack of sleep had finally caused hallucinations. Especially since NO ONE ELSE seems to be talking about this. But then I checked today, and there it is. Let me tell you about it.

So log onto cnn.com. Note the tiny little t-shirt icons next to selected stories. Click on these icons. You'll notice that CNN, in their infinite wisdom, has decided to OFFER T-SHIRTS FOR PURCHASE FEATURING PARTICULARLY WEIRD/UNUSUAL HEADLINES. Yes. Today, for a limited time only, you can buy a shirt in your choice of black, white, or gray with the headlines "Obama's blue jeans but press in tizzy" or "Stiletto-clad beauty queen seeks office" or, my personal favorite, "Ginormous sink hole gobbles up yard" (SIDE-NOTE: I thought that maybe I was just not up on the hip lingo and spending too much time in the elitist world of academia, but blogger agrees; "ginormous" is not an actual word).

I'm not going to get into media ethics (mainly because I have put that part of my brain on vacation for a week and a half until I have to start it back up again for thesis design. Yes, thesis design. I have to do a thesis and design it and defend it and the thought of doing these things makes my body automatically try to assume a fetal position, and it's hard to type like that), but I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with a news organization like CNN seeking to capitalize on our dumbest exploits as a species. Thoughts?

Captain Jackass Rides Again

Seriously, someone explain David Blaine to me. Is he a magician? An illusionist? A middle child who didn't get enough love and or attention? Why does he insist on doing these ridiculous "stunts" that are just barely weird enough to be noticeable, but not magical enough to make anyone really care?

I mean, I get it. You held your breath for a million hours. Impressive, I guess. I think my issue is that these little feats of ridiculousness aren't at all entertaining to watch. It's not like when David Copperfield used to chain himself to a burning safe in a building filled with poisonous rabid snakes and strap a bomb to his face, then explode the building and wind up escaped and unscathed in the middle of a desert with the wind flowing through his hair and billowy white shirt (opened to the navel, natch).

And if I'm being totally honest, I think his face has something to do with why I dislike him so much. The eyelids, to be exact. He's a heavy-lidded fellow. And it just gives me the impression that he walks around all day saying things (in a monotone voice) like "oh, it's soooooo hard being me. I have to live in fish-bowls and hold my breath and put myself in a box and live there without food for a long time." He just looks so put upon all of the time.

Whatevs. My new theory is that he's an attention whore who's just jealous of Miley.

The Grown-Up, Cyber Equivalent Of Hanging A Picture From "Teen Beat" In My Locker:

*sigh*

Obama and the IU insignia in the same picture....my heart, it bursts.

I'm dying over here

There's no reason why this promo picture of Kim Catrall and Daniel Radcliffe for a TV movie called "My Boy Jack" should have made me laugh as hard as I just did. Oh wait, it's probably because he should never be anything but a child wizard with unfortunate eye-wear (he's rocking that here, thank God) and she should never be anything other than an over-sexed man-eater with an unbelievably affected accent, or a mannequin. And yet, here they are, modeling the latest in turn-of-the-century drab-wear. And I don't know if he's her son, husband, or twin. What I do know is that it's solid gold and it's made my day.

'Cause we were barely 17, and we were barely dressed

Remember when I just saw a commercial for AT&T "Go Phones" featuring Meatloaf singing his song "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" with a kid that's supposed to be his son? The very song that's about a teenage boy trying to coerce a teenage girl to sleep with him in a car? This is why media studies is important; were I a consultant to AT&T, I would tell them that this was a batshit crazy and tasteless move. These are academic terms. Yes.

Ohmigod!

Friends. Listen to this. So, earlier in the week I made the decision that hey! I love television and movies but what I really love is music! Popular music, to be exact! So why not bite the bullet and decide to do my thesis on popular music! So I did! And I feel great about it! And the Pop Music Gods shed their catchy, albeit slightly contrived, blessings upon me and bestowed not one but two gifts in the form of favorite musicians of my past returning and releasing new music and insane and slightly inappropriate promo pics!

GIFT #1:
Alanis! I adored Ms. Morissette from the first time I saw her on MTV, shaking her abundance of brown hair and feminine angst in the desert for the "You Oughta Know" video. It was scary and exciting and 12 year-old Jenn was all "Yeah! Right on, sister!" even though she had barely kissed a boy at this point, let alone had one stomp on her heart so hard that it inspired one of the greatest woman-scorned ballads of all time. I was slightly disappointed upon learning that Dave Collier and his mullet inspired that scorn (dude had a MULLET and played second fiddle to BOB SAGET for Christ's sake), plus I didn't want to think of him having terrible inappropriately things done to him in a theater, but STILL. Love for Alanis.

ALTHOUGH... something's not quite right with that picture. Maybe it's the terribly calculated faux bedroom hair, or the last night's eye-liner look, or the cleavage, or the see-through shirt. Something is telling me that she's trying, albeit very, very subtly, to look sexy. I just can't put my finger on it.

There's a slight chance it's the fact that we all now know the intricacies of her upper, UPPER thigh muscles. Who's to say.*

GIFT #2Yes. That is all.

Except also! Danny was my favorite and clearly the cutest, I am pleased to say I stand by the assessment I made as a 6 year old.

Good lord.


PS: If you must leave my blog for whatever reason (like, say, the awesomeness becomes too much to handle, or you find my intense dislike for scented razors off-putting) ,then I invite you to check out the blogs of my friends Val and Melissa, two fellow Media Studiers who are truly delightful.


*Um, I'm still totally buying her new CD "Flavors of Entanglement", whatever the hell that means, when it comes out. I'm willing to overlook the over-share.

In poor taste

Dear Lisa on Top Chef,
Oh, I bet you think you're sooooooo very clever. Clever and sneaky. You might even be under the impression that you got away with that little thing you did with the eggs on episode 1. You probably didn't count on the Jewish girl who is learning to textually analyze media FOR A LIVING watching that episode, did you sweetheart? Well, she did and she's pissed off. Because, Lisa? The copy under that thing you made read like this: poached egg on toasted challah bread with lobster, spinach, hollandaise sauce & bacon. Yeah. No good, sister, no good. You have offended me by taking bread that my people use in religious ceremonies and smothering it with not one, but TWO of the the big super un-Kosher foodstuff. GROSS.

Love,
Jenn

PS-to make it up to me and get in the spirit of the season, I think you should be forced to cook only with ingredients that are Kosher for Passover. I can't wait for your matzah/marshmallow twist/weird-ass jelly fruit thing souffle!

867-5309 (Jenny, get it?!?!?!!?!? NOTE: That's not my phone number. Nor is it the number to an elite escort service. Text Spitzer for that info)

I love this. It's like a greatest hits list of political sex scandals! Also, what exactly do we think Spitzer had to promise to get his wife to stand next to him while he admitted how little his marriage meant to him on national television? I'm thinking that the toilet seat will never again be left up in the Spitzer household. Also, she probably has rights to his kidneys or any other vital organs, should she need them in the future.


In other "people acting arrogantly and not considering the consequences" news, I purchased a cell phone that is too cool, too fancy, and way too complicated for me to use

This is the largest phone ever produced. It's approximately the size of a newborn baby, and holding it up to my ear is giving me killer biceps (I can't balance it on my shoulder, the sheer weight of the thing would surely crack my clavicle in two). But I guess that's to be expected when a phone shares the name of a cruise ship I once went on. The phone is a tiny bit smaller, and lacks the amount of swimming pools.

I am seriously an advertiser's dream. I went into Verizon and the only thing that I absolutely knew that I wanted in a phone was its ability to fit in my pocket, as my old one did. But then I saw this one and thought ooooh! It's so shiny! And there is a touch-screen! And you can change the fonts! Seriously, the fonts were the major selling point for me. But I also bought my car because the gear shift in the middle of the front seats made me feel like I was driving stick and I thought that was cool, so clearly I don't always see the big picture when it comes to these things.