Pop quiz, hotshot...

The reason Tucker Carlson looks so awkward in this promo for the new Dancing With The "Stars" is:
a.) He feels naked without the bow-tie
b.) He doesn't understand this whole "fun" concept.
c.) While his partner is pretty, she's no Ann Coulter.
d.) Tucker only has three emotions, and "angry" and "racist" would look even weirder.

There are so many things wrong with this crazy-ass picture, I wouldn't even know where to begin. Maybe with the fact that it kind of looks like the girl is grabbing for something (I SO want to make a joke about how I'm not surprised she's not finding anything there, but that would be crude so I won't). Or maybe the sexual predator-ish hold that he has on her upper arms. Or the way that she looks like she wants to eat you with her eyes. I know I've always given him a hard time for being so stuck-up, pompous, and basically ridiculous, but I'm not going to lie to you; laid-back Tucker freaks me the hell out. Someone do his top button, part the hair to the side, smack that smile off his face, and steal a bow-tie from 1929 so we can get our boy back.

OPERATION: GET UN-UNEMPLOYED, WEEK ONE

In my 7 days of being jobless, I have:
1. Found out that in 14 days I will be car-less
2. Tried unsuccessfully to get my brother to sing the James Taylor part of "Mockingbird" so we could duet. Not to be deterred, I instead danced around the living room, played the song 8 consecutive times and sang it myself using a blue rubber dog bone as a microphone (I know I looked/sounded just like Carly, I know it!).
3. Refreshed the job listings on Monster and the Post's website so many times that the clickiness of my mouse is wearing down
4. Spent 150 dollars on a hair straightener. Because that's what you do when you have no income.
5. Started writing 2 novels.
6. Abandoned writing 2 novels.
7. Seriously considered contacting the Better Business Bureau when the Papa John's delivery guy called me "sweetheart" (it was just totally unnecessary, all I'm saying).
8. Got lost for about an hour on the George Mason campus when I took Natalie to return some books.
9. Basically stole a map from a freshman on said campus who was using it to find some building.

And right now I am watching an episode of "American Justice" about Lorena Bobbit. Why are all the crazies from Northern Virginia, guys?

There are 3 things wrong with this quote:

"I'm sorry ma'am, your truck failed inspection today. It failed real bad."

1.If you're going to give me such devastating news, at least say it correctly. I hate when people do that. Hate it real bad.
2. I'm not a ma'am, you jackass.
3. Big Red is not a truck. It is not a car. It is the LOVE OF MY LIFE EVEN THOUGH IT NEVER DOES WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO AND TREATS ME BADLY.


I know. Some of you aren't surprised. But Big Red has NEVER failed inspection in the 10 years that he has been in my life. Never. He waits until AFTER the inspection to explode coolant or break the fan belt or have the gas pedal fall off. And this time it's different.

Because I don't think he's getting fixed.

And I'm going to CRY because he's a piece of crap, but he's MY piece of crap. And I have been through SO MUCH WITH MY CAR.

AND I'm probably not going to get a new car. I'll probably have to drive my mom's car (UGLY GREEN, BOOOO BOOOO BOOOOOOOOOOO).



Right now, I am unemployed and I have no car. Dear God, someone HELP.

Jenn's Top 10 Emmy Moments

10. Poor Jaclyn Smith standing between Crazy Angel #1 and Crazy Angel #2, trying to give a serious and thoughtful tribute to Aaron Spelling. If you Tivo-ed, PLEASE go back and just watch Kate get distracted and stare off to the right side of the stage and the ceiling, and Farrah twirl her hair and act generally insane (her face looks SO MUCH BETTER, though, so props to that surgeon). But can we also talk about how Jaclyn Smith seriously looks about 30 years old? It's ridiculous, I think she looks younger than me.
9. Cloris Leachman shaking her breasts while some poor guy tries to give an acceptance speech and my brother almost vomits on the floor.
8. Helen Mirren (who looked so, so good!) saying that she was thankful she didn't fall "ass over tits". She can try to pass that off as a charming British saying, but I lived in London for 5 months and everyone I met would probably sooner die than say that in private, let alone on a stage in front of the world. Honestly, what was with all the old women trying to make us notice/discuss/look at their breasts (what was with the breasts in general? Virginia Madsen, that was a bit much, honey).
7. The intro with the plane crash that NBC didn't cut/modify to eliminate the part with the plane actually going down less than 24 hours after 49 people died in a plane crash in Kentucky
6. Paula Abdul, showing up on the red carpet clearly under the influence of alcohol or pain-killers or horse tranquilizers, complete with a JEWELED LIZARD/AMPHIBIAN OF SOME KIND shoved into her tacky hair extensions and a portable mini fan that she tried to use on Billy Bush during one of the most awkward moments of all time.
5. Allison Janney, a grown-ass woman, showing up to the Emmy's in a flapper costume.
4. Ryan Seacrest calling Suri Cruise "it".
3. Leah Remini's reaction to Ryan Seacrest calling Suri Cruise "it".
2. Barry "I'm Having Hip Surgery Tommorow And Yet I Insist On Swiveling My Body Around, Making Everyone Uncomfortable" Manilow beating Stephen Colbert. Seriously...what?

And the number one moment of the night, which didn't even happen on tv:

1. The following exchange:
Me (as Barry Manilow accepts his award): I can't believe he beat Stephen Colbert
My sister, Lizz: I can't believe that's a man!

Just a thought

Why didn't anyone realize that John Mark Karr was a weirdo when he named his daughters Angel and Innocence and one of his sons SEVEN EXODUS? Honestly, SEVEN EXODUS??!?!??! You can't just put two random nouns together and say it's your baby's name. Because where do we draw the line? Four Genesis? Cheese Pencil? Piano Towel? We've already got Audio Science (see: Shannyn Sossamon).

I understand that naming your children weird things doesn't make you a pedophile, but it PROBABLY means you are a little bit weird (HELLO Fank Zappa was crazy, and now Moon Unit and Dweezil are paying for it; apparently likewise for Jason Lee and poor little...wait for it...PILOT INSPEKTOR LEE). Or it means that you hate your children.

No drugs, no cannibalism, no problem!

Is it weird that the first thing that caught my eye was the grandma hat?

I'm trying out a new thing called "actually writing in the blog often instead of once every month, because it is a blog and not a book and the whole immediacy thing is what makes it a blog, plus I don't have anything to do while I am, ahem, between jobs *cough, unemloyed, cough*". So basically, keep refreshing this page every 4 minutes (I'm not going to tell you in my AIM profile anymore when I have a new blog entry, so be prepared to check continuosly. In fact, just o make sure that you do, I will occasionally be posting embarassing personal information about every one of you, so the sooner you check the blog and see said info, the quicker you can put in a request for said information to be removed (NOTE: aforementioned requests will almost always be denied, but what the hell, give it a shot).

So while you're waiting to refresh this page and find a new, exciting entry, check out this awesome story on CNN about three fishermen who were lost at sea for NINE FREAKING MONTHS. The best party of the story is clearly the headline: "Lost fishermen: No drugs, no cannibalism". No FUN, you mean.

ALSO: after some intelligent, thoughtful persuading on my behalf ("Eriiiiiiiic, I want you to start a blog. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease start a blog, pleeeeeeeeeeease, you are funny, entertaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain me Eric, waaaaaaaaaaaaaah"), my favorite surfing scientific Stanford student has started a blog! In case you don't know him, let me tell you a little bit about Eric. I met him my freshman year of college when he was a sophomore through one of the loves of my life, Natalie (I'd love her more if she also started a damn blog). He drove a pick-up truck that was possibly even more tempermental than Big Red, and he was in the rental car with me when I crashed it in my mechanic's parking lot and then screamed and cursed in front of a family with small children. Eric is a scientist. But not a weird one!! No, he is a cool one, my friends (and when he discovers something huge, he can thank me for once saving his ass and then the scientific community can finally accept me!). So read his blog. But NOT if it takes time away from reading mine. Not to threaten, but he doesn't know embarassing stories about you (oh, don't think you're off the hook, Random Lurkers Who Read This Blog Often But Don't Ever Comment Or Say Hi. My trusty, super-precise site-counter tells me you are...in the United States. I WILL find you).

It IS Lonely Out In Space...

Guys, I am very very very VERY sad about the devastating news this morning.

Those bastards at the International Astronomical Union have decided that Pluto is no longer a planet. Needless to say, I miss it already.

Granted, Pluto is not my favorite planet (Neptune) but this is sad nonetheless. Ostracizing something because it is "too small"? Have we learned NOTHING from Dr. Seuss's acclaimed "Horton Hears A Who"?*

As sad as I am over this, imagine how the people at nineplanets.org feel. Or the scientists who are like Pluto experts or whatever. They've just been downgraded. This is ludicrous, LUDICROUS I say. Was Pluto not just as miniscule in 1930? I believe it was!

Why couldn't this have happened to Uranus ("Making Elementary School Kids Giggle Inappropriately Since 1781")?

*" A person's a person, no matter how small". Jesus, sometimes I really have to hold your hands through the pop references**. Just try to keep up. alright?

**I apologize for that. It was mean, and the reference was kind of awkward, yes? Pluto is not a person***. I'm sorry for flying off the handle like that.

***Not a planet, either. The bastards.

The Long Awaited Dr. John Post That Was Not Really Worth The Wait At All

I promise Dr. John, and four years later, I deliver. YOU'RE WELCOME.


So today I was cruising along (actually, not cruising so much as racing maniacally to work, breaking speed limits and weaving through traffic like Bush after too much Southern Comfort) when the song "Right Place, Wrong Time" came on. Should this not be the theme music of my life? Not only do I have crazy bad luck, but I am often quite literally at the right place at the wrong time-my once endearing habit of getting to a destination fashionably tardy is getting less cute by the day. Plus the song is just so cool, and he says "hoo-AH" for "whore", and who doesn't love that?

I knew that I had to blog about Dr. John. I feel like he's one of those "lost" celebrities that are huge at one time but somehow get less important as the years go on (this might just be a theory that I formulated so I could reassure myself as I rock back and forth in a corner that one day The Pussycat Dolls will fade into obscurity and all will once again be right with the world). In fact, I'm willing to bet that you don't even know who he is. You might even be googling him at this very second. Don't feel bad, google away. How awesome would it be if we could somehow get him on the "top most searched for people of the day" list? The Google people wouldn't know what the hell was going on.

Needing to find something prolific to say about this guy, I checked out his wikipedia page and discovered something cool that I am willing to bet no one else has ever blogged about in the history of the Internet. Were you aware that Jim Henson modeled the main guy in the Muppet band after him? Well, he did. DON'T pretend like you don't know what the Muppet band is, you dirty liar.

I just remember the Muppet band as the welcome distraction from Miss Piggy's incessant bitching (she was annoying as all hell and really controlling, don't play). But they have this really complex backstory. They have a name-"Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem"-which is SO 70's folksy/pop, in the vein of Janis Joplin's band Big Brother and the Holding Company, Let's make Our Band's Name As Long As Physically Possible and the like. From left to right, here are the characters and who they are based on:


Dr. Teeth, lead singer and modeled after, duh, Dr. John. I don't understand his nose.

Rowlf, who the Crazy People on the internet who are obsessed with this fake puppet band claim isn't REALLY part of the band because he's a prominent character in the rest of the series and not modeled after a real musician and blahblahblah. All I know is that he's the only one without clothes, and I'm worried that he feels demeaned by this.

Animal is based on Keith Moon, something you won't truly understand until you go to YouTube and find some late 60's/pre-serious drug addiction Who footage because dude was NUTS. Like I don't know how a human can move their hands that fast. And here is a direct quote from Wikipedia to illustrate just how crazy the people on the internet who are into Muppets actually are:
"Ty Pennington commented that Animal had ADHD, when the character was appearing on an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. This fact is disputable, as the appearance can easily be considered not part of the Muppets canon".
CHRIST. As a general rule, I don't use the word "canon" when referring to talking pieces of felt, but different strokes.

Zoot is based on some sax player that I don't care enough to type about.

Sgt. Floyd Pepper. I have NO CLUE who this guy is modeled after. NO clue. Maybe the Beatles' Sgt. Pepper moustache or Beatles' Sgt. Pepper coat might contain some hint, but I can't quite decipher it.

Janice was originally supposed to be Mick Jagger-esque, but turned into Carly Simon/valley girl hybrid with a name that's an homage to Janis Joplin.


So there you go. Everything you never wanted to know about the Muppet band. Now would be the right place AND right time to find me a job where I can write about things that matter and not about puppets who play bass guitar

How To Express To Your Friends Why It Is Disgusting That Iran Is Having An Exhibit Of Holocaust Cartoons (Without Sounding Like A Hypocrite)

1. The whole "no depictions of Mohammed" thing is a MUSLIM ideal, and one that non-Muslims are not held to legally (in most countries), religously, or even morally. Would I personally draw a cartoon of Mohammed? No, because I choose to be respectful of other religions and if it truly bothers someone on that deep a level, why do it? But do I demand that Pizza Hut do away with their pepperoni pizzas, which, according to my religion, represents two abominations (milk and meat, PLUS an "unclean" animal) against God? Uh, no.

2. The whole "hey, maybe it's not cool to draw a cartoon, which is humorous in nature, mocking the bloody, savage, brutal slaying of 6 million people (plus all the non-Jews who were murdered)" is a HUMAN ideal, and as far as I was aware, Iranians are human (although the jury' still out on President Jackass McCrazy Eyes and his used-car salesman hair-do) and should therefore adhere to HUMAN standards of decency (i.e., slaying babies in their mothers' arms and then burning their bodies in ovens which were being run by their family members isn't really funny).






Sorry to get so serious, kids. I'm really cranky. I just got back from the Carribbean and wasn't even allowed to bring duty-free rum back because THE TERRORISTS ARE RUINING MY LIFE.


For your trouble, here are some, shall we say, "rum-inspired" vacation pics to remind me not to drink again as I get ridiculous and ugly and get you excited for the forthcoming vacation blog post:

Hmm, can't decide: Failing Every Major Adversity, or Freakishly Easily Manipulated Acronym?

Hey guys! It's me, Jenn! Did you hear about those jackasses in Fairfax County, VA who had their homes damaged during the freak, record-breaking floods last month and are now expecting FEMA to help them out? Um, the last time I checked this was AMERICA, not BleedingHeartCharityVille.

But DON'T WORRY! Because, now check this out, FEMA isn't going to help them! Things are tough at FEMA right now; they are running out of ways to look too busy to help people in the Gulf who STILL have no place to live. They don't have time for this nonsense. But the best part is the official reason why Fairfax isn't getting any help. They're too wealthy! Apparently, the fact that the medium income is so high means that they don't deserve aid from the federal government that they pay for.

And this high income couldn't POSSIBLY mean a handful of insanely wealthy people (like, oh I don't know, senators and reps from around the country that choose to live there) + average, everyday folks+a hell of a lot of people who are scraping to get by in a place where the cost of living is so insane yet the minimum wage hasn't risen in a decade. Nah, that can't be it. I've worked with kids whose parents work three jobs and can't afford to buy them shoes, or who go to school when they're sick just so they will get food for the day. But as I see now, it's probably because their parents were blowing their six-figure salaries on yachts (wow, that sure would have come in handy during the floods!):

FEMA Denies Aid to Homeowners, Tells Fairfax to Help Its Own More
County's Affluence Noted; Arlington, Alexandria Also Lose Out
'"Fairfax should use its resources to help its own people," said Martinez, who was brought in by FEMA from Texas to oversee Virginia's application for aid, which could have included cash grants, low-interest loans, unemployment assistance and temporary housing.
"It's an affluent community that's able to address the specific needs of its residents," Martinez said.
County officials expressed outrage at FEMA's decision.
"We have affluent people, we have poor people and we have people in between," said Gerald E. Connolly (D), chairman of the Board of Supervisors. "For any federal official to say something like that, he ought to be fired. These people need access to capital that we don't have."'


FEMA is absolutely right on this one! I've said it before, I've said it again; when people in need look to you for help in a time of emergency, the thing to do is PASS THE BUCK. Why does it have to be FEMA's problem?!?! Their offices a couple of miles away went undamaged. Why should they pay for the misfortune of others? It's not like it's their job or anything....


FEMA Mission
DISASTER. It strikes anytime, anywhere. It takes many forms -- a hurricane, an earthquake, a tornado, a flood, a fire or a hazardous spill, an act of nature or an act of terrorism. It builds over days or weeks, or hits suddenly, without warning. Every year, millions of Americans face disaster, and its terrifying consequences.
On March 1, 2003, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) became part of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS). FEMA's continuing mission within the new department is to lead the effort to prepare the nation for all hazards and effectively manage federal response and recovery efforts following any national incident. FEMA also initiates proactive mitigation activities, trains first responders, and manages the National Flood Insurance Program.

Oh, there must be someone out there more fit to help Fairfax County. Someone with some kind of program, a program that offers insurance for floods...on a national level. Or something. Hey, you know what would be perfect for this situation? An Agency, paid for by taxes, taxes paid by people in places like, say, Fairfax County (who are paying A TON OF TAXES because of their income levels...cue the irony music), whose job AND SOLE PURPOSE FOR EXISTING was to Manage Federal Emergencies. Wouldn't that just be ideal? Ah, well. Enough Monday morning quarterback-ing. If only such an agency had been formed sometime prior to this. Like in 2003.

Or something.