WHY I HATED "HAPPY FEET"

1. The penguins were scary looking, not cute and cartoon-y

2. It was one of the most depressing films of our generation-I'd rather watch Steel Magnolias, Terms of Endearment, Forrest Gump, and the scene from Pretty Woman where they don't let Julia shop than sit through that movie again.

3. It made me feel guilty because we are stealing all of the penguins' fish and ruining their lives, yet I don't even eat fish. It's not my fault, you stupid penguins. Lay your guilt trip on someone else. Manipulative jerks.

4. Nicole Kidman's penguin voice was RIDICULOUS. Her name was Norma Jean, hahahaha I get that you are talking like Marilyn. But WHY? WHY WHY WHY?

5. Robin Williams as a penguin with a Hispanic accent? Really? Are there no genuine Hispanic people who could have taken the job? Is it not the auditory equivalent of black-face?

6. I saw it at the IMAX theater in the Air and Space Museum and, for real, could they take their stupid IMAX theater any more seriously? They had people patrolling to make sure that you didn't have gum, and they force everyone to move to the center of the row of seats even when there are like 20 people at the movie and they don't let you leave your seat once the lights go down. It made me nervous.

7. That penguin wasn't even an impressive dancer.

8. I didn't understand why that one old penguin was Scottish, or whatever. But then again, one was from Tennessee apparently, so I guess I was expected to suspend my disbelief.

9. All that ice made me cold.

10. "Kiss" by Prince is not a romantic song. Not even a tiny bit. They might as well have picked "Little Red Corvette" or, my personal favorite, "Cream". Sha-boogie bop, indeed.

Things of Note

I think this year I'll be thankful for Hendrix

-I saw my first James Bond movie yesterday. Daniel Craig looks like his face got caught in a blender and all he does is grunt a lot, and yet he is the only reason I went to see it. He has a Clive Owen-esque quality, yes?


-It's that time of year again. Muslims, you secure the front. Buddhists, Atheists, gather the troops. The Hindus, Pagans, and Jews will formulate a plan to spread generalized hum-buggery. The War on Christmas 2.0 is ON.*


-I keep having dreams about my teeth falling out. Normally I never ever remember dreams. But, of course, these are burned into my consciousness and I spend the entire morning walking around holding onto my molars. So I did research. Here's what dreammoods.com has to say about this:

"One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxiety about your appearance and how others perceive you. Sadly, we live in a world where good looks are valued highly and your teeth play an important role in conveying that image. Teeth are used in the game of flirtations, whether it be a dazzling and gleaming smile or affectionate necking. These dreams may stem from a fear of your sexual impotence or the consequences of getting old. Teeth are an important feature of our attractiveness and presentation to others. Everybody worries about how they appear to others. Caring about our appearance is natural and healthy."

GREAT, I had more things to be concerned with before, but now I AM worried that I am ugly.


-I hope you all had a delightful Thanksgiving. I made cranberry sauce. Yes, MADE, as in not just opening the can and sliding it into a bowl whilst still in can form and throwing it on the table. I think I was inspired by the 40 episodes of Top Chef I had just watched.


*in all seriousness, when greeters at Wal-Mart wish me a "Merry Christmas" ( a decision made this year by corporate) I will drop-kick them (I learned this from Mr. Craig) and then start screaming "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT ABOUT NEW YEARS? DOES NO ONE CARE ABOUT NEW YEARS?!?!" or I will kindly wish them a Happy Channukah. And shove a dreidel down their throats so they know what it's like for the rest of the world during the entire effing MONTH of December (um, cello, my holiday technically takes up more of the month than yours does ANYWAY). Or I just won't go into their stores because they generally just sell crap you don't need, fish that will die (remember Wally!?!?!?), and guns.

An Actual Conversation From Within The New Car:

Mom: Jenn, you look really short driving this car!

Me: Uh, ok, please do not talk to me while I am driving, the chances of me wrecking this thing before my first payment is due is high enough already

Mom: Weird! I guess it's because maybe all of your height is in your legs or something.

My dad: Well, that would be the case with most humans.

Mom: That's not true, I have seen some people with very long torsoes.

Me: I can't believe I have a new car!

Dad: Well, think about it; if most people's height wasn't in their legs, how would they procreate?

Me: Oh sweet Jesus

Mom: What do you mean?

Dad: Well, if people had torsoes that varied greatly in length, how would they be able to-

Me: STOP! We are NOT having this conversation on New Car Day!!!!



Be advised, if you are lucky enough to sit in The New Car, I reserve the right to censor what you say.

Medium Gray!!

Oh, hello there, Internet.



Oh, I'm fine thanks, and yourself?



Haha, yes, this is SOME weather we're having. Yes indeed-y.



What's that? Well, nothing really new. Except one little tiny thing...





I BOUGHT A CAR.





YES, THE ABOVE STATEMENT IS TRUE. I bought a car, as in purchased with my money that I have (or had. Eek. When I wrote a check for thousands of dollars, my checkbook was all "uh, for reals? Don't you need this money to blow at Target?"). I bought a Saturn Vue in "storm gray" that looks kind of like this:

Actually, exactly like that, but gray. It is CUTE and has On-Star and the gear-shift is between the seats so I can pretend like it is a manual (oh, I love to do that, you do too, admit it!) and my parents surprised me by talking to the dealership and having a sun-roof installed as a graduation present! And it's NEW. As in BRAND NEW. As in I AM TERRIFIED I AM GOING TO BREAK IT.

So right now if you know me, I know what you're thinking (and I thought that if you would be reading this, you'd know me except that the readership of this blog DOUBLED inexplicably this week, and I'm convinced that there is some hate-site about me somewhere and people are reading this blog so that they can go back to the hate-site and say mean things about me-see the crazy that goes on inside this head?). You're thinking, as your eyes well up and your lip quivers, but what about Big Red?

To which I answer I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. I had to sell him to the dealership and they are going to send him to an SUV farm where he'll play with the other SUV's and there will be room for him to roll-over and guzzle gas and he'll be happy AND IF YOU TELL ME OTHERWISE I WILL KICK YOU IN YOUR FACE. I'm thrilled to have a new car, i have waited to have a new car since forever, but I'm having a much harder time with giving up Big Red than I ever thought I would.

Anyway, in the next entry I will be eulogizing him. So I need from you a suggestion for a name for New Car, and your fondest Big Red memory. Scappa, if you're reading this, it's gotta be the time the coolant exploded and fan belt broke and we were stranded on the Beltway and almost didn't graduate from high-school, am I right?? So leave a comment right....NOW!

If you recently bought stock in Kleenex, you're welcome

The wedding was a raging success and Amit and James are MARRIED. I can't believe this. I mean I was there, I saw the Ketubah being signed, I know it happened, but STILL. They are MARRIED. Like real married, not pretend. I think this is pretty much how everyone feels. My favorite quote from this was when we were lining up to go down the aisle and Amit's youngest brother, who was behind me, said "This is so weird-James is going to be like my brother-in-law."

And to answer everyone's burning questions, here we go:

Times I cried (this one's for Leah, you asked!):
-Wednesday evening driving home from work when I wrote a toast in the car during my commute (God bless the traffic here, I get a lot done) and used my coffee mug as a champagne flute for practice.
-Before the rehearsal-ish/Shabbas dinner
-During the rehearsal-ish/Shabbas dinner (like 2, 3 times TOPS)
-Driving home from the rehearsal-ish/Shabbas dinner

-When the make-up lady at the Prescriptives counter made me look like a hooker/drag queen
-ALMOST when I saw Amit's hair and make-up done (there was no actual spillage of tears, this doesn't count)

-As soon as Amit got the dress on

-When Amit and James first saw each other

-When they signed the Ketubah (honestly, I started crying when James' witness signed it, and I didn't even know the dude).

-When Amit walked down the aisle

-The entire ceremony

-When Amit's dad spoke

-When I gave my toast

-When Lindsay gave her toast

I'm sure there were more. I was really insane. Basically, this is how I spent my night

-Crying

-Drinking (oh, here's a good story; someone at my table got us all shots of tequila, which I totally downed. Four minutes later I hear the band announce my name to give my toast. That could have gone very, very badly for me. Luckily the crying masked any possible word-slurrage.

-Hoisting my dress up; one of the bridesmaids, Shiri, and I were the only ones who left the trains on our dresses. Basically strangers kept on stepping on it and standing there, so I spent the evening draping it over my arm. AND doing the classy boob-tug thing; this was my first time wearing anything strapless since before puberty hit, for real. Granted, it could have been much worse (I think Natalie had to assure me that my dress wouldn't fall down while I walked down the aisle about 84 times a day in the past few months). But here's a lovely shot of me ruining a great Kodak moment:

Classy!

For more pictures, check out the facebook. If we're not friends on the facebook, add me. If you don't know what the facebook is, please, join me in the 21st century.

(Sorry, that was mean. Here are a few more to make up for the bitchiness)

Nice day for a white wedding...

Two of my favorite people in all of the land are joining forces today in holy matrimony. These are my hopes for the day:

-that I do not fall down the aisle and ruin the wedding

-that I don't sob hysterically and ruin the wedding

-that I don't forget anything and ruin the wedding

-that James doesn't accidentally say his part wrong, which apparently results in the rabbi being married to the bride, or something really crazy. Because that might kind of ruin the wedding (a tin bit).

I LOVE YOU, AMIT AND JAMES, AND I WISH YOU THE HAPPIEST, MOST FUN LIFE TOGETHER THAT TWO PEOPLE HAVE EVER HAD!!!

CH-CH-CH-CH-CHANGES

OH, HAPPY DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Turn, and face the strange. I know we still don't have total confirmation on the Senate, but the Democrats took back the House (first time in TWELVE years) and that's good enough. Because after my fellow Americans RE-ELECTED Captain Moron in 2004, I almost lost complete faith in him. The first time was enough; I could tell he was an idiot by the fact that he couldn't formulate words, but maybe everyone else in the country wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. But after he invented a fake war and lied about weapons, I really thought people would get the memo, and they did not. But everything's looking sunnier again! And I must refer to my dear friend Suzanne, whose away message last night was one of the best I've ever seen: "I'm choosing to take the the Spears-Federline breakup as a sign that people are making good decisions today".

Most of the Democrats who took over incumbent Republican seats are actually very, very moderate, some almost conservative- and that is FINE by me. Because I'm going to let you all in on a little secret: while threats to women's reproductie rights and the idea that two people who love each other can't get married and the whole stem cell debacle certainly suck, WE'VE GOT BIGGER ISSUES GUYS. The way the Republican party blew up the gay marriage thing to take attention away from the fact that we have invaded a country that had no weapons and has NO ties to al Qaeda should be construed as a hate crime. And the fact that some crazies don't "believe" in evolution won't matter when we're all bombed back into the Stone Age by North Korea.



Ok, enough. On to more important things. I have a new review on cube-side.com that I'm fairly sure is poorly written, but whatevs.



Also, Britney? Mazel-tov.

"Meet Your Candidates, Virginia" or "Dumb and Dumber"

Election day is upon us. The other day I went to see Borat, and almost threw up when I realized that the scene with the rodeo was full of people who would be voting for my next Senator ( if you saw it, were you shocked that was VA as well? I went to school in the Midwest, and they made those folks look like cultured elitist snobs). Old Dominioners ( I've been hanging around with 4th graders who are doing VA history in social studies, I'm swimming in factoids), meet your glorious, stunning candidates:

GEORGE ALLEN, Republican. He's just a good ole', down-home, Southern boy from...Cali. Allegedly made racist comments about African Americans when he was. Known for having a noose in his office when he practiced law (I don't know how one could possible connect that with the lynchings of black people that is part of our state's illustrious past). Used an impressively obscure racial slur in PUBLIC at a rally that was caught on video tape a few months back. Last week, his staffers were videotaped slamming a non-violent protester into a glass door. Just in time for the High Holy Days, us chosen folks were as stunned as Allen was himself to discover that his mother was Jewish. We were even more stunned when he reacted to this revelation by stating "Don't worry, I ate a ham sandwich on the way over here." Oh, we're not worried Georgie. We've dealt with the likes of Roseanne Barr, we'll deal with you too.

JIM "LESSER OF TWO EVILS" WEBB, Democrat. Possibly sexist, definitely not experienced enough for the job. Has publicly made less than friendly comments about the fairer sex. He also has hair like a Brilo pad and appears to be both boring and annoying at the same time.

Inspirational, no? But the Democrats need to take the Senate if we have any hopes of getting some kind of checks and balances in place. I predict that Webb takes it, but it won't be a land-slide either way. I'm so psyched for this, I am watching election results all night. This is better than the Oscars, and with greater fashion faux-pas and excessive bitchiness.

Baby, you can drive my car...

...but I'll need a signed waiver first, as it will probably explode and possibly kill you.

Which is precisely why I have been car-shopping lately. Car-shopping makes me want to die. Because car salespeople? Are the smarmiest, grossest people in all of the land (uh, sorry if you are one). And this is coming from a girl who has two lawyers for parents and spent her formative years hanging out with anti-trust (ha, the irony of that name) attorneys.

The following is an actual quote from the manager of some Honda place when I attempted to look at CRV's:

"Well, I'd love to put you in a car tonight. And the more I can pay you for your car and the less I can charge you for mine, the better, am I right? Yuk yuk yuk."


BARF.


Now, I never went to business school, but I'm fairly certain that something's off in that equation. At least something's off if you're planning on making a living and paying bills, you jackass. I am looking to purchase a car from you- clearly I understand that I will be giving you money for this car and CLEARLY your goal is to make money from this transaction. Also, I just explained to you I was JUST starting to look at cars. I am not going to purchase one from you before you close in 40 minutes. A $20,000 vehicle REALLY shouldn't be an impulse purchase.

I think the problem is that I hate bull-shit, and I hate fake people. I REALLY hate meaningless small-talk and when someone pretends to care about me. So a car dealership is basically the absolute worst place for me to hang out.

Anyway, today I went to look at a Saturn dealership, and let me tell you seriously, I wanted to buy a car right then and there just because the people working there were SO less gross. They have fixed prices, so they don't ask you asinine questions like "so, how much were you looking to spend?" (um, as little as possible, tool-io). I've been going around with my father, who has been kind enough to put up with my complete lack of car knowledge. Seriously, these are actual questions I've asked and things I've said since this process began:

"What's a horsepower?"
"What's a cylinder?"
"What's MSRP?"
"Can we keep Big Red? Like just park him out on the street, so I can visit him occasionally?"
"I like the gear shift to be down between the seats, so I can pretend to be driving a manual"

Whatever, I'm excited. But it will be really weird to drive a car that won't break every 4 hours. What the hell will I do with all my time and money???