Thinking up a title is requiring more energy than I'm willing to expend...

Ever since it was revealed that Callie's real name is Calliope, I have a hard time watching Grey's Anatomy without singing Bruce Springsteen's "Blinded by the Light" ("with this very unpleasin', sneezin' and wheezin, the calliope crashed to the ground"). I know what you're thinking, but you'd be wrong; though Manfred Mann's version is the more oft-played one, it was originally written and recorded by The Boss.




And this, friends, is exactly why I've been AWOL from blogging lately. I HAVE NOTHING AT ALL INTERESTING TO SAY.

I'm going to go ahead and blame this on my having to quit caffeine. I'm blaming everything on this. When my doctor told me I should (oh, and ps-it's not for anything scary, like heart problems or blood pressure or migraines, just something that I don't feel like I need to broadcast all over the world wide web), I literally felt a panic attack coming on, like my cheeks flushed and I could feel my heart beating in my ears. I have to be AT WORK and LUCID at 7am IN THE MORNING, in OAKTON WHICH IS VERY VERY VERY VERY FAR AWAY. OH AND HAVE WE TALKED ABOUT MY SLEEPING ISSUES, WHICH CAUSE ME TO GO TO BED AT LIKE 3? BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, THAT'S A FACT. Prior to last Friday (and I basically quit cold turkey, which we'll talk about more in a minute), my routine was this: drink one can of Starbucks iced light coffee at 6:30 am in the car, drink one can of Diet Dr. Pepper at work at like 8-ish, Starbucks run sometime between 9 am and 2pm, more Dr. Pepper in the afternoon. Now that I see it written out, it seems a bit excessive. But, guys, I'm the chick who had ONE class before 11:15am all through college and it was at 9:05 in the basement of the library and I couldn't open my eyes at all, through the entire class.

Now, I quit coffee once before, but I did it gently. I started bringing a thermos of black coffee to school every morning when I was 15(this is one of the positive aspects of reaching your adult height before you're 12-not having to worry about stunting your growth. The negatives include creepy old men hitting on you and not being able to fit your legs under the desks in your 6th grade classroom). I basically stopped drinking it every day my sophomore year in college. I picked it up again when I started this job in October. I completely forgot about the withdrawal symptoms.

And because this time I'm cutting out ALL caffeine, including chocolate and diet soda, I'm feeling it harder. Last week I was SO MEAN to everyone and my head hurt and I cried at least 6 times (to be fair, one of the times was because of the headache, so there you go). It's a little easier this week, but still. Last night I actually dreamt I was drinking a regular Coke in all it's caffeinated splendor. And I had to wake up and drink water on my way to work because life. Is. Cruel.

Oh, also, drive-thru lady at the Taco Bell in Fair Lakes: I'm still not totally sure why my asking if your Diet Pepsi was caffeine free resulted in your uncontrollable laughter, but you're so very lucky that my arms weren't long enough to reach into your little window and squirt hot sauce in your eye.

No matter how tough life gets...

...at least your hair looks better than Phil Spector's.

Now, I'm not a fan of Psycho McCrazyFro. He completely mangled Let it Be (so badly that after hearing Let It Be...Naked, which was the version released a few years ago and is the album the way that Paul intended it to be, I deleted the original from my computer, and my life. So...I really showed him. I think he's really feeling it in the old wallet), and then he went all O.J. on us and killed a woman. When I saw the picture on the left from the pre-trial hearings a few years back, my eyes could not communicate to my brain what I was seeing. And while I'm no stranger to the Power of the Frizz, I find this unacceptable. Because he actually woke up in the morning AND MADE HIS HAIR DO THAT. Um, also, please imagine what it looks like when it's down. Christ.
THEN he showed up the other day (pictured at right) with his hair cut like Peter Pan. While it's an improvement, he still looks like walking crazy.



Also, Neve Campbell? Valiant effort at trying to force us to pay attention to you.
I wonder what happened to her hairstylist. Perhaps he ran. He ran so far away. He couldn't get away.

SUCK ON THAT, CAESAR

Well, it is 11:47 so I'm going to go ahead and declare my victory (unlike others...Duke*...). I have once again survived the Ides of March. So logic would dictate that Jenn=more evolutionarily (did I make that one up?) fit than Julius Caesar.




*That was mean. But IU just beat Gonzaga, I'm feeling cocky, I'm just gonna go with it.

"You are gifted in many ways"...

...said my fortune cookie last night. For about 3 minutes I seriously entertained the idea of calling up the restaurant from which I purchased my General Tso's tofu and trying to find out where they bought aforementioned cookies so I could drive to the factory, find the guy who writes the messages, and just hug him for an uncomfortably long length of time. I needed to hear this. Even if it's coming from a pastry, I'll take validation wherever I can get it. It's been a rough couple of weeks.

Speaking of needy, attention-hungry twenty-somethings who really don't want to do any actual work for a living, let's talk Idol, shall we? Some highlights from Tuesday's show:

-Second favorite quote of the night, courtesy of Generic Interchangeable White Girl Contestant#4: "I just go out there and try to sing every note." Lofty goal, sweetheart. When I'm walking, I try to walk every step. You need to leave now.
-First favorite quote of the night, courtesy of Ms. Abdul: "The audience doesn't know anything." Uh, here's what I do know:

• In order to believe that crap about you never having been drunk in your life, I'd need to suspend my disbelief an uncomfortable amount, and abandon all laws of science and logic


• I know that you actually named an album Vibeology, though I'd be lying if i said I knew what it meant


• I know that you sang a duet with a cartoon cat.

-I NEED to know what the hell Sanjaya did to warrant the intense hatred and disdain that the show's hairstylist must harbor towards him because, GOOD LORD. It has to be something bad, because I can't imagine what would make them risk their reputation/abandon all hairstyling ethics like that unless he really deserved it. I have a theory that last night was meant to be Justin Guarini-esque. Instead, homeboy ended up looking like Shirley Temple. It was a hot mess.

There's nothing more to say about this.

The Worst Blogger Ever

Don't be mad at me. Here, enjoy some Glam Rock Mick as a peace offering.

ONCE AGAIN, I apologize for the lack of blogging as of late. My Internet is spotty and my personal life exploded and daylight savings time came and I got confused because last year was my first time doing it in like 5 years because Indiana never had it until last April and I've been having a bunch of bad hair days and Tide is discontinuing my laundry detergent and it's all just been a mess. Hopefully things will get back to normal this week and I can resume wasting my time (and yours) with my long-winded rantings.

Two quick things to mention for now:

1.) Maybe the manufacturer of my preventative inhaler could come up with a better system of letting me know when it's running out instead of me waking up in the middle of the night, gasping for breath and freaking out because I've haven't had an attack in over a year. That would be aces. I used to be able to tell because it would feel significantly lighter, but ever since those bastards switched to an ozone-friendly formula, I can't tell. Effing nature, man.

2.) I know that I say this a lot, but Fruit Punch flavored Crystal Light on-the-go packets will LITERALLY CHANGE YOUR LIFE. They are AMAZING. All of this time I have wasted on Raspberry Ice. These ones taste just like the fruit punch that you used to drink as a kid before you turned like eight and, if you're a female, magazines and TV told you that you had to worry about getting fat, and you were doomed to a life of drinking only boring water and Diet Coke, which, less face it, no one on this planet actually enjoys the taste of (Diet Pepsi is a little better). They also kind of stain your teeth and lips, so you might want to enjoy them in the comfort of your own home, lest you scare the people on the street.

Must be the season of the witch...

I've known about the Coulter debacle for days now, but I chose to ignore it because, much like lice need a live host, the she-beast needs publicity and attention to continue to insult our sensibilities with her fried-blond locks and cute 90's call-girl fashion choices. But now that she's going down in a fiery blaze of peroxide and hate-fueled glory, we can discuss it.

First of all, you have got to listen to the actual sound-bite to fully appreciate it. She just sounds so damn proud of herself for making a pop-culture reference (the Isaiah Washington/Grey's Anatomy thing), it's adorable. Never mind the fact that it's like months old and no one cares anymore. It's so cute to hear her try to talk about things that she thinks real humans are talking about. Oh, Ann. You're like a family pet who thinks it's a person. You're a dog. In more ways than one.

I guess my favorite part about this is that because Edwards is married and no one has really questioned his sexuality, she kind of inadvertently used "that word" in the "synonym for stupid" way. How very 5th grade of her. I think she meant it in the "not manly enough" way. You know, like how he doesn't drive drunk or shoot his old man friends in the face.

Speaking of my fave V.P. in all the land, it was revealed yesterday that they found a blood clot in Cheney's leg. They treated him at G.W. I'm shocked! Why not Walter Reed, Dick???

Ceftin is my Valentine

I know what you're thinking- and yes, I know that I'm two weeks late and that it's an antibiotic, but still. I need to sing it's praises. I feel 8902020 batrillion times better than I did this time last week.

DISCLAIMER: If you think that I'm a cool chick because I'm never label whore-ish and don't obsess about fashion or dumb girly things, stop reading and skip to the next paragraph. Thanks. Unfortunately, I still can't really taste or smell anything. And I am SO SAD because I got excited when I read about the new Coach fragrance in last month's Allure, and I got the cutest little sample bottle of it on this little key chain mailed to me over the weekend but I can't smell anything! And it's full of smells that I love, like sandalwood and green mandarin something that I've never really smelled but I know I'd love.

Oh, also! Mary-Kate Olsen! You are ridiculous! For some reason, the New York Times decided to give America's Favorite Living Troll Doll/Hobo a public forum in which to write an "editorial" (I use the word loosely here...read it and you'll understand) about....her favorite purse. It reads like a 2nd grade exercise on how to write a paragraph("I like frogs. Frogs are cool. And green. I really, really, really, really, really like them"). I mean, I know that the on-set Full House tutor probably wasn't exactly a world-class educator, but good lord. It's nice to know definitively how vapid she is, instead of just imagining it.

Also....

Tell me she doesn't look like exactly like Miss Havisham. If she's a style icon, than so is the pile of laundry sitting in the corner of my room right now.

Tea and sympathy

I am sick AGAIN. No one has assured me that it's definitely not avian flu or diphtheria, so while it feels like a minor cold, I welcome your sympathy (and presents...I'm fairly sure diphtheria warrants many, many presents). While I am napping and consuming my weight in echinacea, please enjoy another in a series of Oscar photos:

I'm not sure which is more bothersome; the fact that Elisabeth Shue is even at the Oscars, or the fact that she's there dressed as a math teacher, complete with orthopedic sandals.

Quincy Jones' middle name is, dead serious, "Delightt". Talk amongst yourselves.

Ok, we'll discuss the Oscars later, I am still being treated for Extreme Boredom and I don't think I'm emotionally ready to revisit that show yet. But I just need to say this.

Thank you, Rashida Jones. Thank you very, very, very much. I know you're catching a lot of flack for this Holly Hobby meets pregnant '70's housewife wearing her drapes a la Sound of Music getup, but seriously. You at least gave me something to do during this "show". Wondering why exactly you chose to wore the exact shoes that some of my friends wore to their Bat Mitzvahs in 1995 saved me from literally dying of boredom. The apparent addition of white tights to this ensemble? Just added another layer of intrigue. This was the Lost of Oscar outfits.

Whatever, you kick all sorts of ass on The Office and your dad is Quincy Jones, so you're all right with me. I haven't quite forgiven you for Little Black Book, but I'm working through it.

Weather forecast for the DC Metro Area, Sunday, February 25

Wintry Mix, possible ice/rain/sleet turning into rain later in the day. NO SNOW. NO ACCUMULATIONS.

Seriously, "meteorologists"? You're really not very good at this. Now, how is one expected to drive to Maryland to get kosher Chinese food to eat whilst watching the Oscars in this non-accumulation of over three inches of non-snow?

Housewives, squids, and missing mascara, oh my!

You guys, I am SO RELIEVED that Marcia Cross finally had her babies. This picture has been freaking me out for weeks now. Please also consider the fact that she was actually due in APRIL. I don't know if human skin can stretch that much. If you are a twin or a triplet or whatever, please go call your mom and thank her right now. Come to think of it, I was two weeks over-due and 23 inches long (average newborn=18 inches) when I was born, so I'm calling mine as well.

Ok, also this story on CNN.com about a gigantic squid scares the ever loving hell out of me. I have a love/hate thing with the ocean. I LOVE the beach, but something about being out in the middle of the water and seeing nothing around for miles and miles and not being able to see what's under me makes me want to cry just thinking about it. I don't know why. Actually that's a gigantic lie, I know exactly where this fear comes from-there's a scene in The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (if you've never seen it GO rent it right now-like for serious, leave work and do it), one of my favorite movies as a kid, where they are like floating in the ocean and they see what looks like an island but is actually a giant sea monster. See, right now I'm remembering it and feeling a little shaky. We're action-packed with issues over here, kids.

I have nothing to write about, today has been kind of boring. Do you really care about how I found my missing 8 billion dollar mascara? Probably not. But it was exciting. Maybe you had to be there. For a small fee, I might reenact it and post a video on You-Tube.

Thoughts that I think

-If you had a nightclub and named it "Club Seals", would that be kind of funny and clever or tacky and mean-spirited? What if you opened it next to PETA's offices? Because if they were like "that is gross and cruel" you could just be like "no, I named my club in honor of the seals, it's not endorsing hitting them over the heads."

-Would you laugh out loud if you were driving and the car in front of you had all of these anti-choice bumper stickers and one of them said "some choices are WRONG" and it was obviously about abortion but it was next to a Bush/Cheney '04 bumper sticker and that is kind of hilarious? Because I did.

-I adore this goofy kid on "American Idol":

He's like 10 years old and is basically the Indian Michael Jackson (like Jackson 5 era Michael, not Creepy Time Michael). He kind of looks like a Muppet, and his sister totally tried to sabotage him last night by telling him to sing a horrifically boring Stevie Wonder song that no one knows/cares about. Fabulous.

And this is why I'm going to stay in my 20's FOREVER

So normally I'm really opposed to the Academy giving out what I like to call the Cumulative Oscar; every so often, an actor/director gets nominated and for whatever reason they have never gotten an Oscar even though they really should have by now, and so they win even though their performance/movie may not have been the best that year, but because they've been slighted in the past.

HOWEVER, the fact that Peter O'Toole has had like 80 billion nominations but has NEVER won an Oscar (even though his characters/movies/performances always make the top best lists) is INSANE. I saw Venus last week. He was ridiculously good in it, albeit a little too pervy for a 125 year old. He needs to win Best Actor, because a.) he deserves it and b.) I'm counting on him saying something inappropriate and making the show a tiny bit more bearable.

There's one thing that has been bothering me since I saw the movie, though. I realize that my peers may not realize how beautiful this man was, so please peruse these pictures:

So that's how he looked in his heyday. What does he look like now?

A cross between Maggie Smith and that dude from Hannibal who was missing his face. Just tragic. This is like when I was at a play in London and I realized that one of my other favorite British 1960's movie star crushes, Michael York, was sitting across the aisle from me. When the lights came on, I realized that he now looks like an old lady. Guys, if the above picture isn't a good enough reason not to become an alcoholic, I don't know what is.

Quote of the Week

My sister told me I could use this picture because, and I quote "people are going to be like 'oh, she's so hot, I want to get with that' and I'm gonna be like 'no, cause you can't'". No one can accuse her of not being eloquent.

"Caroline, you can't be 'gangster' because you aren't in a gang. That's just a fact."
-My 12 year old brother to my holy-hell-she'll-be-15-in-one-month sister. They need a television show, because you will never find two more opposite siblings in life. Josh's favorite TV shows are "The Colbert Report" and "Arrested Development." Caroline lives for "The Hills" and "Maui Fever." Josh's favorite band is The Who, and Caroline likes whatever effeminate eye-linered boy band that TRL tells her to like that week. In all fairness, it has to be said, she is like a freaking math genius and thinks Biology is like the easiest class ever, so really, we have no clue where she came from.



I need a break from the Britney Hair Fiasco '07. You want to see a bad haircut, check out my 5th grade school pictures. And that was paired with red plastic glasses, so, seriously, I win. I'm not going to post these pictures, as I hope to get married one day and I seriously doubt that any man who sees those pictures would want to risk offspring that might turn out like that when puberty hits.

Well, Sinead O' Rebellion...

Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior!

On one hand, I feel sorry for her. Girlfriend's clearly lost it, and the paparazzi won't leave her crazy ass alone. On the OTHER hand, do you shave your head in public if you DON'T want the attention?? I think not. After she shaved her head, she went and got some new tattoos. Which is fine, except that her unfortunate choice of jewelery for this evening of HEAD SHAVING and TATTOOING ONE'S FLESH

is kind of making me angry.