McCain-Palin sounds like some kind of medical syndrome

Hey, remember when McCain picked Tina Fey as his running mate?
Nice move, GOP. This nomination was brilliant on two levels. You very shrewdly realized that:

a.) besides having tiny lady brains and a penchant for ironing things, us females are contractually obligated to vote for any ticket containing a woman's name

and

b.)any random woman=African-American man. It's all the same to us!

I can appreciate the last ditch effort to steal any possible Hillary supporters. But I know many, and I'm fairly certain that for them, issues trump the presence or absence of ovaries in a candidate.

Also, Obama's speech? I have no words. I'll even excuse the once again hilarious misuse of Springsteen's "Born in the USA" as a patriotic song afterwards, so amazing was that speech.

"Who Is That Making Jenn Gag?"

So, ok. Maybe I'm SLIGHTLY jaded and a LITTLE cynical. Maybe I look at the world differently than most people, or maybe I'm just cold and heartless. Who's to say. HOWEVER, I stand by my assertion that this website is one of the most disturbing and ridiculous things I've ever come across in my 25 years of coming across things.

Entitled "Who Is That With Jeremy?", this blog features some random toddler whose parents have decided it was a super idea to drag him all around the world to pose with "famous" people (let's just say that some of the folks pictured with little Jeremy are slightly less than A-List). The best part about this is that Jeremy is quickly growing, as those damn babies tend to do, so now the parents are forcing a sizable kid on these celebs, who, unaccustomed to carrying their own children, let along someone else's, tend to hold him by the armpits and look uncomfortable.

Thank you, Tyra. I needed this today.

I am in NO POSITION to be blogging, I know (I have so much to do it's ridiculous) but OH MY HELL I needed everyone to see this new ad for America's Next Top Model Cycle 11:


I don't know whether I like Tyra's shoes or her hair more, but I do know that nothing captures the spirit of the 60's quite like a bunch of wilting models who look like they barely have enough energy to lift their hands to make a peace sign.

High school's better than junior high. They'll call you names, but not as much.

So Heather Matarazzo (who lame people will know only as Anne Hathaway's friend in The Princess Diaries) just got engaged to her lady friend.

Now, as you and I are cool and alternative and know that mainstream indie films are far superior to mainstream "normie" films (as some of my Media Studying comrades would call them), we remember Heather as Dawn Weiner in Welcome to the Dollhouse, the 1995 movie that made us all feel a little bit better about our middle-school social standing.

In this movie, Heather's character is infatuated with this super cool, older, popular guy who plays guitar and sports a pretty sweet early 90's rocker mullet. Now, I want you to look at the first picture in this post and tell me TO MY FACE that Heather's girlfriend doesn't TOTALLY look like mullet rocking Steve Rogers!

Coincidence? I think not.

To the person who found my blog by searching "astronomy is boring"...I applaud you, sir/madam. I suffered through astronomy 10whatever in silence my junior year of college, and you have been proactive in taking your bold yet accurate assertion to the internets. Well done.

PS: My favorite blog reader is still the guy who found me by searching for "jakob dylan jew fro". But I like you all very, very much.

I fear for their lives

So these ex-Googlers made a fancy new search engine with a fancy new pretentious and difficult to pronounce name. Yay.

Also, I have tentative plans to go to Istanbul with my cohort in academia to prevent* a paper at a conference in October, but they keep blowing things up. Thoughts?


*NOTE: This was supposed to say "present", but I prefer prevent. It makes me feel like we are international spies trying to stop a paper from being shown at a conference at all costs. It also makes me feel better about my slightly nerdy chosen profession.

Brooke Hogan for president!

"You know what? I am actually not that much into voting. I think it’s kinda crazy that a woman is running, because I think that women deal with a lot of emotions and menopause and PMS and stuff. Like, I’m so moody all the time, I know I couldn’t be able to run a country, ‘cause I’d be crying one day and yelling at people the next day, ya know?"-Political pundit, medical professional, and scientist, Dr. Brooke Hogan.


QUESTION: If hormones and womens' troubles are to blame for bad decisions, then how do you explain why a grown man would choose to look and act like this?


I'm also curious if it was PMS that caused her brother to drive drunk at excessively high speeds resulting in a crash that left his "best friend" brain dead, then try to shirk responsibility for it. I'm just wondering. Then again, my tiny lady brain makes it hard for me to understand things sometimes.

Church, meet State

Oh, I love South Carolina and its rich tradition of believing that laws set out in the Constitution don't apply to them. The "Palmetto State" (seriously, that's their nickname) has upped the ante this time by deciding that offering a Christian-themed, state-issued license plate is totally kosher. Except that it's really not.

Is it just me or is the separation of church and state debate not at all a murky one? It seems terribly clear-cut. I also love when some Christians in this country get all up in arms and act like they're being so very persecuted and don't have religious freedom. It's adorable to me. It's like having a support group for white, male CEO's; it's just so hard for them to have a voice.

Here's the difference: for every other group, the right to freedom of religion means that they will be allowed to practice their religion without being arrested, murdered, rounded up like cattle and shipped to a concentration camp to be killed. For a select group of Christians, it means the right to make everyone else practice their religion (seriously, these are the same people who took to the streets because it offended them when we said "happy holidays" and not "merry Christmas"-you're right, we should all bow to your personal religious mores). I'M NOT SAYING ALL CHRISTIANS ARE LIKE THIS. Also, I'm not saying that you shouldn't want to express your religious beliefs in public-actually, I'm envious, it must be nice to know that you probably don't run the risk of someone vandalizing your car or hate-criming your ass by doing so, as some of us do. Just don't involve the government.

For the love of God (ha! Get it!?!), buy a Jesus bumper sticker if it's that important. Or better yet, be comfortable enough in your own faith that you don't feel the need to do P.R. for it.

I Love Desperation

You guys, I am SO UPSET with myself right now :(

I finished my summer thesis design class a week ago. It basically consisted of me writing my entire thesis proposal. So I had to commit to a topic. And I was happy about my topic, I felt good about it. I felt like it was important, something worth studying. Until tonight. Tonight, fair readers, I came upon something in the media truly worth devoting a year of my life to researching.

Tonight I witnessed the wonder that is Vh1's I Love Money.

There's nothing much to say about this gem. I can't even mock it, because the show is so brilliantly self aware that it makes fun of itself flawlessly. I can do no better. Except to say hey, Midget Mac? You have too much self-respect to put on a bathing suit for thirty seconds, but you'll compete on national television for the chlamydia-laced affections of Flava Flav's rejected paramour? Nice.

Hey, I have an idea where I can put the boots though

Me: Hi, I was wondering if you had any boots in womens' size 11 in stock (FOR MY 16 YEAR OLD SISTER WHO'S AWAY AT CAMP, NOT ME, DON'T LECTURE ABOUT HOW I DON'T NEED ANY MORE SHOES)

Cheerful Target Employee: Well, I know we had some BIG SIZES, let me check!


Hi, I know my (and my poor, poor sister's) feet are big. 11.5 is not a dainty shoe size. But seriously. There's just no need for that.

Also! Did you notice? I have a new domain name!! This only took about 4 hours to do, as I soon discovered that EVERY SINGLE DOMAIN NAME ON THE INTERNET IS NOW TAKEN. I was even going to go with "jennlovesphil.com" because I DO, but even that was already claimed (congrats to Jennifer and Phillip Friday of Illinois on their recent wedding, by the way-the pictures are just gorgeous!). Google had some good suggestions for me, though. I'm still wondering if I should have gone with www.pongqueen.com, but I think I made the right decision.

As a parting gift, I leave with two pictures of myself from a few months ago (I know! You're welcome). I just figured out how to add effects and do fun things with pictures on my Super Fancy Mac, even though I still don't know what I'm doing, other than moving things around and it makes the picture look fancy. We can now add this to the growing List Of Things I Know How To Do On My Super Fancy Mac That I've Had Since January:
1. Turn it on
2. Connect to the Internet
3. Open iTunes
4. CHANGE COLORS OF PICTURES WAHOO!!

Ugggggh, stupid, stupid fake bangs

Candy cigarette, kids. Because smoking kills, but everyone knows that it LOOKS really, really cool.

From a GOP convention....

Well no, of course not. Because a.) the house is clearly so-called NOT because it is literally a white house, but because of the skin color of its inhabitants, and b.) if we are allowed to change the name of it based on who lives there, we only have a few months to erect the "Dumbass Manor" sign (also, I suggest "I Shoot Old Men In The Face And The Nation Must Never Forget That" Ranch for Cheney's place).

I'm on a roll today. An angry, bitchy roll

Someone at CNN hates Roland Martin. I can't see any other reason why they'd let a so-called man of God embarrass himself like this by not pointing out why moving Election Day to a Saturday wouldn't work (I know it's an issue for Seventh-Day Adventists too, but I don't know if they have the "no working" requirements that wouldn't allow for driving to the polls or actually voting, as my folks do).

The Lohans make me all political-like

So I'm sick and have spent the day in bed sniffling, watching Denise Richards whine about whether or not she should do Playboy (her show EXHAUSTS me, for real) and worrying about Ali Lohan dealing with mean girls. In between, I caught last night's Daily Show, featuring my very own senator, Jim Webb of Virginia. Now, Senator Webb is not an entirely charismatic fellow. And I'm more than a little troubled by his hair. But I'm willing to overlook that because as he was talking about the crap he's getting from across the aisle in his attempt to pass the new GI Bill, I felt compelled to leap through my TV and throw my arms around the poor guy.

I'm an opinionated lady (this shocks you, I know), but I hesitate to talk politics here as often as I used to. I don't want to ostracize people, I don't want anyone to feel like I judge them for their political leanings. But this? INFURIATES ME. If you think that Democrats have some crazy ulterior motive of wanting to take troops away from a "war" (it's not even a war, and I can't stress that enough, no vote from Congress, our fearless leader found a loophole, etc., etc.) that they don't favor, then you, my friend, are crazy. If anything, it would provide a much-needed incentive to enlist when the idea of being sent on 84 consecutive tours of duty doesn't seem so appealing.

My grandfather was 17 when he had to turn down an acceptance from Julliard (he was a drummer-we had bad-assedness in my family even back in the 40's!) to go to Italy and fight. When he returned from the war, the GI Bill paid for him to go to medical school and become an OB/GYN. The bill gave him the chance to (somewhat) make up for the time and resources he lost while serving his country. That's what the new bill would do.

I don't ask this facetiously, I have been groping for an answer to this all day and legitimately want to know: EXACTLY what does the administration mean when they talk about the need to support the troops? Because they don't support them by giving them proper equipment. They don't support them by honoring contracts made with soldiers regarding the length of time they are to serve. They don't support them by providing adequate care after they are injured (hey, Walter Reed). And they don't support them by offering this one incentive in return for their service. Is it the magnetic yellow ribbons on cars? Is that how we're supporting the troops? Alright.

Things That Are Wrong With The World: An Exploratory Study in List Form

-Megan Fox, I think you are a very pretty lady. I'm not going to say anything about how you are younger than me but look ten years older, or about the burgeoning sun damage displayed on your skin (especially that shoulder, eek) or about how your penchant for lip injections and nose-jobs have made you unrecognizable from your former self. Regardless, I'd still love to look like you. HOWEVER.On what planet does this match? Judging by the obnoxious red sole, I'm going to assume these are Louboutins. Blah blah blah making your brand recognizable, blah blah, I get it. But I think it's tacky as hell when you can so obviously see and tell what it is. Did she go and find the pair with the most visible red? Because it's not like the tan and red shoes go with the black and pink dress. Eeek. And also?


I love irony. Unless you don't consider 8 pounds of lipstick, spray-tanner, lips full of synthetic crap, false-eyelashes, and a ridiculously puffy dress to fall into the category of "gilded".




-They all have the same hairstyle! And Simmons is TOTALLY leering at her! I love it. He can teach her how to rock and roll all night, and she can tell him the best places to buy shoes during a national disaster!




-I find the bright red "Now Open Saturdays!" sign on my bank to be an insult. Someone please explain banks and their absurd hours to me. What kind of a business closes at 4 pm?



-What. Seriously. Also, remember when you wore a peacock on your head in the movie and it looked like a victim of impaling-by-bird was getting married? It made me uncomfortable. This just makes me feel a little sad for the inequality expressed for your ankles. Why must the right one be naked and exposed, while the left maintains its dignity? For shame, Sarah Jessica. For shame.


- "This is an absolutely huge, huge story for us. Essentially you have two of the most beautiful, famous people in the world. We've all seen they've had one baby, Shiloh, and it is the coolest, most adorable baby on the planet. And this time they're having two? It can't get any better"-Sarah Ivens, editor in chief for OK! magazine, talking about Brad and Angelina's twins, jacked from Perez. I want to be friends with this Sarah Ivens, or anyone who is going to talk about a baby using the same adjectives they would in talking about a handbag or Pete Wentz (or whatever celebri-tool the kids are into these days). Shiloh's really "cool", did you say, Sarah? Homegirl doesn't know how to use the toilet. I have low expectations, but that's pretty much my baseline for "cool" determinant. Must be able to use the bathroom sans Brad Pitt and not eat sand.

-My main 'mo has been desperately searching for Ben and Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie ice-cream and it is NOWHERE. Seriously. I have hunted and searched and called. The "flavor locater" on the web-site (shut it) ALLEGES that they have it at a Wegman's in Newark, NY and we were entirely prepared to drive the 120 mile round-trip last night, but further investigation showed that they did not in fact have any in stock. I enjoy the thrill of the chase and would like my friend to have this ice-cream that she loves, but right now it's becoming a borderline obsession. This is my holy grail. I will find it and then something will happen with Jesus, maybe.*


*Editor's Note: There's a slight chance that the Jewish author of this blog isn't entirely clear on the concept. Excuse her ignorance.

We have an "Emperor's New Clothes" siuation here

I know, I KNOW. I have beaten this to death, but I am obsessed. Obsessed with finding out who in their right mind would want "HOSPITAL HOLDS WEDDING FOR DYING MAN" ON A T-SHIRT?!?!?!?!?!?!!??

Why is no one else severely disturbed by this? I feel a strong disconnect with the rest of humanity, because this just seems so weird, absurd, and wrong to me.