The WEEKLY TV Quizdown!

1. The worst thing that happened to Willows during that ONE day on CSI was:
a.) getting roofied
b.) possibly getting raped
c.) waking up in a hotel room by herself and having to do her own rape kit
d.) having someone drive their car into hers (hitting the driverseat door) on purpose, resulting in the deployment of air-bags and many injuries
e.) her daughter being kidnapped
f.) her father smacking her in the face
g.) in public
h.) really, really hard
i.) her father receiving nude pictures of her
j.) someone shooting her father right on the Strip
h.) her father bleeding to death in her arms

2. The most unintentionally funny part of the Brothers and Sisters premiere was:
a.) Tom Skerritt having a heart attack and tipping into the pool and DYING
b.) The fact that we're supposed to believe that Calista Flockhart is the younger sister of Rachel Griffiths, who is in actuality four years younger than Flockhart and looks it.
c.) The idea that we are supposed to find a main character who is both a cold, frigid, conservative radio personality AND Calista Flockhart likeable.
d.) Tom Skerritt having a heart attack and then TIPPING OVER INTO THE FREAKING POOL FROM A SITTING POSITION (I don't think you understand the comedy gold right there. He was SITTING DOWN and then just TIPPED RIGHT OVER).

3. True or False: The reason that Addison wore that hat on Grey's was because her Skipper costume was at the cleaners and going as Ginger to the make believe Halloween party in her head would be just way too obvious

4. Pick the exact moment when Nip/Tuck jumped the shark:
a.) when the dwarf nanny and the mom had an erotic BREAST-FEEDING moment!!!!
b.) when the nurse went home with the lady in the bar and woke up...WITHOUT A KIDNEY!!!!
c.) when they showed Melissa Gilbert's breast...AND IT WAS MISSING A NIPPLE BECAUSE IT GOT BITTEN OFF BY A DOG !!!!(you guys, I didn't even know that getting a nipple torn off was a big fear of mine, but apparently it really, really is)
d.) when we discovered that her nipple was bitten off BECAUSE SHE HAD SEX WITH HER DOG!!!!
e.) when her husband showed up in the exam room...AND THREW THE DEAD DOG THAT HE HAD KILLED ONTO THE BED!!!
f.) actually, it didn't jump the shark at all and why the hell didn't I start watching this show early because my God, it is glorious

5. Next week on Project Runway, Uli will design:
a.) a flowing, hippie dress with a crazy tie-dye print
b.) a flowing, hippie dress with a crazy Pucci-esque print
c.) a flowing, hippie dress with a crazy tie-dye print but, ha ha! It's short, which definitely makes it a cocktail dress, definitely.
d.) she won't design anything, and instead will explain to me what the HELL is up with Jeffrey's giant neck/lack of chin, because you guys it is CRAZY and NO ONE wants to talk about it!!!

Uh...why is my horoscope so mean?

"TAURUS: It's a miracle you can get anything done right now, what with Mercury going retrograde in your seventh house towards the end of the month. You'll be pining for past loves-which is all fun and games until your current partner gets hurt. Do try your best to prevent that, little horned one, ok? Turn your amorous thoughts to the present, and the rest of the month will be just fine."

First of all, "little horned one"? Really? And the whole "it's all fun and games" part makes me feel like I am being scolded by some 80 year old school teacher. And how is pining necessarily so bad if it doesn't result in anything? I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who tried to control my thoughts anyway.


Nothing much to write about, but here are 2 Random Thoughts for the day:

-While driving this evening I FINALLY got the chorus to "Are You Experienced?" (it's a Jimi Hendrix song, I'll pretend that none of you needed me to tell you that because if you did it might make me want to cry a little bit, and then lecture you a little and I'm concerned that people sometimes think I'm bossy, so I'd hate for it to come to that). It always bugged me because I felt like it was awkward and weirdly repetitive ("Are you experienced?/Well, have you ever been experienced?") and then all of a sudden I got it and then I giggled because it's kind of dirty AND clever, and I'm a sucker for dirty, clever things (ok, the first line means are you experienced at doing "things", and the second line means "has anyone experienced you?", right?!!? I felt a little like a genius, so pretend like you didn't already know that, ok?)

-Have you ever had a moment when you stop and realize that you don't even recognize yourself? I had one the other day. My dog (see, that STILL seems weird to type, because HELLO I hate animals and nature) was sick so I took him to the vet, where I pretend to know things about dogs. I took him by myself, which sounds unimpressive until I remind you that he is a giant and can pull me in basically any direction that he desires (and it's usually in the direction of any bush/tree/pole/WALL that he can pee on) and he gets really nervous at the vet ( I decided it's because it reminds him of the animal shelter, but keep in mind that I totally made that up so who knows) and tries to SIT IN MY LAP resulting in punctured clothing and legs. We didn't see his regular vet; instead, I ended up struggling to keep my 90 pound dog from jumping off the exam table and into my arms as the freaking Dog Whisperer of Springfield tried to chart his family tree and actually asked Max "if he had any husky in him" and waited for a response. I swear he gave me a wtf? look when she said "what gave you this height? Doberman, maybe...". So then I go out to the waiting area, and Max is CRAZY, pulling me over to the door, first sitting (which we make him do before he goes out the door so he doesn't plow anyone down) and then actually USING HIS TWO FRONT PAWS TO PUSH THE DOOR OPEN. Everyone thought he was a genius and he literally scared the piss out of a tiny dog and I kept telling him "hold on, I have to pay, wait one minutes" because I am a crazy lady who talks to her pet and thinks he has the mental capacity to reason when all of a sudden he circled right in the middle of the floor and then...had an incident. A large, disgusting, horrific incident. And as I was cleaning the liquid crap off the floor of the waiting room, I suddenly had a moment where I didn't recognize myself. Because 2005 Jenn? Probably wouldn't even pet a dog. But 2006 Jenn LIES DOWN ON THE FLOOR with her dog and goes out on dates with yellow dog hair all over her black turtle-neck (although maybe 2006 Jenn didn't realize it and it was totally fresh out of the wash and could she help it if she needed to hug the dog before she left? No, she could not) and goes to dog parks and is driving around with a "Beauty and the Beast" sheet covering her back seat because her dog doesn't like the feel of the leather. I don't know how this happened.

PLEASE NOTE the absence of job (or lack thereof) discussion in this post. It's for a reason. And that reason is my sanity. The end.

I, too, kinda like the Beatles

Aaaaaaany excuse for a picture of Mr. Harrison. Shameless, really.

Hello! Did all you chosen folk have a happy Rosh Hashanah? Did anyone else get honey in their hair? No? Just me, then? Ok, moving right along!

So today I would like to discuss something that's been bothering me, and it has to do with the Three Dog Night song "Never Been To Spain". I KNOW, you have all probably discussed this to death ( I mean, show me one person who doesn't like a good lyrical analysis of a classic TGN song), but humor me, k? Let's look at the lyrics:

Well I never been to Spain
But I kinda like the music
Say the ladies are insane there
And they sure know how to use it
They don't abuse it
Never gonna lose it
I can't refuse it (Ok, makes sense, Spanish music is nice, I guess, plus I adore the little internal-ish rhyme with Spain and insane, so carry on)

Well I never been to England
But I kinda like the Beatles... (sure, the Beatles were from England, makes sense again)

Well I never been to Heaven
But I been to Oklahoma (uuuuuhhhh....WHAT?)

GRANTED, I have never been to Oklahoma. I have, however, lived in the Midwest for 5 years, and have spent time in Indiana, Illinois, Ohio, Kentucky, and Missouri. And I assure you, heaven is not located in the middle of this country. Corn, yes. Redneck waiters who will make anti-Semitic comments, sure (what up, Louisville). An abundance of Klan members, of course. But heaven? Nooooooo.

Please explain this song to me. No, really, cause it's killing me.

The Thursday Night TV Quizdown!!

1. Name 3 new stereotypes that you learned from watching Survivor: Segregation Island (example: "White people don't understand why sleeping on wet ground will make you wet, but sleeping on a platform raised off the wet ground won't" or "Hispanic people are terrible at throwing challenges" or "African-Americans are notoriously good at gathering tiles with a story written on them and then arranging them in the proper order"):

2. Who's cuter than Jim?
a.) no one
b.) no one
c.) possibly, POSSIBLY George from Grey's but not with that ridiculous short hair
d.) actually, no, no one is cuter than Jim

3. True or False: Jamie Presley is a little TOO believable as white trash

4. Apparently no one cares about Burke anymore. Where was he during the first 56 minutes of the episode?
a.) in the underground bunker that formerly housed Suri
b.) figuring out a way to surgically remove Meredith's vocal chords without her knowing because DEAR GOD is she annoying as hell
c.) he got lost and ended up on E.R.
d.) preparing for Rosh Hashanah (dude, they sat shivah, they may as well do the new year too)

5.) Complete the sentence: The reason Jenn got bored with C.S.I. during the first 4 minutes was ______ (hint: she hates circuses/acrobatics even more than she wants Meredith and McBoring to fall off the ferry, never to be seen again)

Things That Are Stupid, Part 1

I went to the Dreaded New Wing At Tysons That I Refuse To Go To On Principle Because When I Was 14 I Had To Hang Out At Springfield Mall And Risk Being Stuck In The Middle Of A Gang War While These Stupid Spoiled Kids Today Have A Fancy Mall. I went to Old Navy, because I am fancy that way. When I went to pay for my merchandise, I noticed something stupid; next to every register was a two liter bottle of Pepsi with a handwritten sign on it saying something like "If we don't ask you to sign-up for an Old Navy card, this Pepsi is YOURS!"

This is stupid for 3 reasons:
1. I don't believe this is some kind of Old Navy corporate move; it looked more like some overzealous jackass manager wanted to humiliate his employees. There was a handwritten note scotch-taped to a bottle of soda, guys.
2. Who the hell wants to carry around a two-liter bottle of soda when they are shopping in the mall? I avoid carrying around too much make-up in my purse when I'm shopping, why would I want to carry a gigantic bottle of soda with me? That seems more like a punishment than a prize.
3. Who is really motivated by Pepsi anyway? It's a poor man's Coke, let's be honest. Throw some of this in, however, and we can work something out.


I also wanted to let you all know about my trip to the new Victoria's Secret-you know, the one that looks like a brothel and features practically nude mannequins posing on all fours- and how I had to buy a bra from a BOY that could not be more than 16, and I am dead serious. He smiled at me and gave me the creeps. First of all, I hate buying lingerie from men. But I think the bigger issue here is the fact that I feel pretty strongly that someone who can't buy a ticket to an R-rated movie shouldn't know my bra size.

Why merely jump the shark when you can segregate it and make racist comments?

When I was like, 12, 13-ish I always watched this show on Showtime called "Rude Awakenings", starring Sherilynn Fenn (and Roger Daltrey was on it AND Tim Curry, so there goes two of my favorite old men crushes right there). On this show, Fenn's character has this on-again, off-again thing with this really cute guy who had always had crazy under-eye circles but was still really cute (see, I've regressed to a 13 year old). Also, Rain Pryor (Richard's daughter) was in it and a bunch of other people that I can't remember and I think it was about recovering alcoholics and there was nudity and cursing and jokes that went right over my head and where the hell were my parents during this?!!? Anyway, it was a good show, and I always wondered what happened to that cute actor.

So imagine my surprise when I sat on Amit and James' couch Thursday evening to watch Survivor: Segregation Island and I SAW THE FORMERLY CUTE ACTOR ON THE WHITE PERSON'S TRIBE and I said "oh my god he is an actor!" and Amit and James said "no way!" and then we checked his bio on CBS and I WAS RIGHT ONCE AGAIN AND AND AND THE GUY HAS BEEN NOMINATED FOR. AN. OSCAR. How, how, HOW can you be an Oscar nominated actor masquerading as a writer named Jonathan on Survivor? How? This is a travesty. What happened to the good old days when the contestants were average crazies? Now they are professional crazies with agents, that's what. THE ACTORS ARE TAKING OUR JOBS AND MAYBE EVEN OUR WOMEN.

I hate to say this, but Survivor? Pretty damn awful. Because the editing was so insane, guys. Insane. If you didn't watch it, here's what you missed (and to sum it up what you missed was CBS trying really hard to confirm every terrible stereotype):

-tribal music playing when we were introduced to the African-American team
-the Asian team using ancient remedies to cure a headache
-the white team consisting of the most boring, bland, lame people on the earth (oh, they had a "cuddle puddle", people)
-the whitest Asian, African-American, and Hispanic people you could EVER find

It was such a disaster, I can't even explain it. But I do have to thank Amit and James (who are getting married in LESS THAN 2 MONTHS!!!) for letting me watch with them when our cable went out for the 24932th time this week. The only working channels?

-Channel 21, aka the Fairfax County Public Schools channel
-The "Herndon Community Access" channel (who knew?) which is right now showing some hardcore rock/klezmer band of teenage guys playing Hava Negillah with violins and electric guitars. There are no words. EDITED TO ADD: Oh my god, right now they're playing "Danny Boy". Have I found a band of Irish Jews like myself!??! There are so few of us! I wonder if they have potatoes on their Seder plates every year as well (true story, guys; my dad's mother was Irish-Catholic, and half his brothers and sisters are blonde with blue eyes. Every year on the Friday before St. Patrick's day we have a green challah)
-The Middle Aged Women With Gigantic Jewelry Network.

So thanks to them for saving the day! Because even though it sucked like crazy, it is Survivor, and I am obligated to watch every single episode because I'll be damned if I miss the one where Probst eventually loses it and says "immunity, back up for grabs", pauses for a second, then grab the ugly statue and run into the sea with it, never to be seen again. It will happen, give it time.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

BREAKING NEWS: EL NINO IS BACK!!!!!!

Oh my god, I'm freaking out here!! In case you were too young to remember, El Nino is the very very VERY dangerous and lethal mass of...warmish air. Anyway, it is HORRIBLE and when it first came around a couple of years ago, it was responsible for terrible things, including (but not limited to): shooting Kennedy, ruining the 2000 election results, supporting terrorism, giving drugs to children, and making my hair VERY frizzy. Even the name conjures up horror; the "Little Boy", indeed.

So what does this mean for us in the US? Well, less hurricanes this year, for one. And a milder winter in the Northeast. Goddamn you, El Nino, God DAMN you.





I should have known, though; the jew-fro was particularly tempermental yesterday:

Sigh. Seriously, it was crazy, you can't really tell from the picture, but it was bad news. On an unrelated note, my longest layers are now almost at the small of my back. I want to donate my hair, but did you know those places only take un-dyed, or "virgin" hair as they so delicately refer to it? And the lower 5 inches or so of my hair was bleached blonde 2 years ago. Anyone know of any place that will take my slutty hair?

Truly, truly, TRULY outrageous

Dr. Will was ROBBED (ps-how pretty is he? If he were my dermatologist, I think I'd go around trying to get weird skin afflictions just so that I could visit him)

Because I'm sure you've been wondering, here are a few things that are annoying me right now:

-That a grown man who calls himself "Boogie" won Big Brother

-The fact that there's a character on Nip/Tuck named "Kimber". I'm sorry, that is just not a real human name. It is, however, the name of a character in a cartoon band known to millions as "Jem and the Holograms"

-This story on CNN.com. I don't know about you, but I'm getting really tired of bad things happening to good people

-George Bush's fake accent. Yeah, it's been annoying me for years, but the news was just running clips of his stupid speech from yesterday and I got a rush of anger. Because I don't think that a lot of people realize it's fake. Oh, you're one of those people? Get ready, I'm about to rock your world with this news: Bush isn't a southerner or a "real" Texan. He was born in Connecticut, guys. I wonder how many of his voters who elected him because they think of him as a "good 'ole boy" even realize that. He's from a wealthy East Coast family. So he can STOP WITH THE DAMN ACCENT ALREADY.

-Somewhere in this world tonight there's a new Spears-Federline spawn. And that baby ALREADY has more money than me.

September 11, 2001

My mother's not the same.

If you passed her on the street, you wouldn't know. At parties she still makes everyone laugh and at work she she is still focused and at home she still checks my brother's math homework. Even I forget sometimes.

And then we are on vacation in Miami in mid-August, trying to escape the oppressive heat in the lukewarm swimming pool. I can feel the sun leaving freakles on my shoulders as I run my hands over the water, occasionally slicing through the surface and causing ripples to surround me. I look over at my mother and smile. Our only worries are for our pina coladas that shift and melt in plastic cups by the side of the pool.

And then a plane is in the air above us, close. Kids stop splashing and look up, while their fathers do the same and marvel at how close the airport must be. But my mom doesn't look up. Her head is bowed down towards the water but I can still see her eyes squeezed shut, her fingers pressing into her ears.

"I hate that sound."

Five years ago today my mom was late for work. She sat in traffic listening to Howard Stern and slently fuming at my brother and sister for not being ready for school on time and furiously scrolling through her Blackberry, trying to telecommute from the Beltway.

Five years ago today she called me in my brand new dorm room, 600 miles away from her for the first time to tell me to put on the news because something big was happening in New York. When she realized the time difference and my roomate told her that I was still sleeping, she said not to worry about it and that she'd call back later. She hung up and inched her car down 395.

Five years ago today at 9:43 am my mother's green Ford Explorer was stuck in traffic next to the Pentagon when a plane that she quickly realized was flying far too low sliced through the sky above her head and, with a sound that she wishes she could erase from her memory, slammed into the building, sending a ball of fire into the air and shaking the ground. She can't forget how the plane was so close that she saw the individual windows, and is still haunted by what the people sitting on the other side of those windows saw.

Five years ago today I was waking up for my second week of classes when I got the message that my mom had called 15 minutes earlier, and was stuck in traffic on her way to work. As I watched CNN, news of the Pentagon broke and the realization that my mom would be stuck in the gridlock of the Beltway as it happened swept through my body and made me sick.

Five years ago today I walked to class in a fog as my thumb hit redial on my cell, unable to connect with my mother. I swept past New Yorkers crying together in huddles and professors staring numbly at television screens. And after months of excitement over leaving Washington, over getting as far away from my parents as possible, there was no place in the world that I wanted to be more than back home with my family.

Five years ago today my mother returned home with something missing. And five years ago today I cried for her. I cried for myself and the sudden loss of innocence that came too soon after setting out on my own for the first time. And I cried for the thousands of kids whose parents, five years ago today, didn't come home at all.

"Children of the Corn" called, it wants it's premise back

No, this was not taken during The Wicker Man. I'm just including it because it's nice to know that I have friends who view me being scared out of my mind at a movie as an opportunity for a close-up.

So tonight I witnessed the cinematic masterpiece that is The Wicker Man. I was cynical from the get-go; everyone knows that I consider Formica to be the most sinister of home decor materials. Wicker is not scary AT ALL. And a man made of wicker? Is that not just a glorified scarecrow, people?

Needless to say, it was just as hilarious as I anticipated. Got bless Nic "I'm The Creep Who Married Elvis' Daughter When I Got Too Old To Keep Dressing Up Like Him In Movies" Cage and his crazy, crazy eyelids. What is up with him, seriously? The guy is just nuts. He always looks like he's about to cry. I just want to smack him in the face and scream "enough already, man! Enough!"

Baby, it's the (creepy) guitar man...

Time to put the Guitar Center in Fairfax on your list of places never to go if you own a uterus-actually, just to be safe, don't go even if you're just a girly looking dude. My brother (who started MIDDLE SCHOOL at LAKE BRADDOCK on Tuesday, what the hell!??!!?!?) is taking guitar this year, so I went with my mom yesterday to get some picks and other random guitar stuff and seriously, it's been a long time since I felt that uncomfortable/freaked out.

First of all, we were there at 2pm on a Wednesday. I want to know what kind of job these 40 year old men have that allow them to just hang out in a guitar store in the middle of the day, because I am totally applying there. Remember Wayne's World, where they're in the music store and there's the "no playing 'Stairway To Heaven'" sign? JUST like that. Out of the literally 30 employees/fake customers who were merely hanging out in the store, there were zero women. Ladies, you know how you always ALWAYS know when a guy is looking at you (even though they think they're being slick about it)? Times that by 30, and that's what this was like. And it was even worse because I know how rough I looked; no make-up, some random ankle length brown hippy skirt that I don't know why I own because it's so not me, some ratty t-shirt, and an even rattier looking hoodie. Plus my hair was curly and crazy and I had a cold. I looked bad, guys, real bad (to quote my mechanic). So it made the stares even weirder. Then some guy tried to pick up my mom ("hey, I just have to tell you, your hair looks great-the texture, everything") and we had to book out of there because it was just too much to handle.

PS-About the whole "ohmygod my baby brother is in middle school" thing, here's what Josh has to say about it so far:
1. About his english teacher making them write letters to her as an assignment: "Is she that lonely that she has to force us to write letters to her?"
2. About being a "sevie": "The seniors are huge. One guy was a foot taller than me, and this other guy almost stepped on Mark (his friend, who's a little on the short side)"

BREAKDOWN

...of today's news that is! Although that word both describes my mental status and one of my favorite Tom Petty songs as well. But here are some stories I think you should check out, as well as some Headlines That Should Have Been...

-FACEBOOK ADDS NEW FEATURE, EVERYONE GOES CRAZY AND WON'T STOP THROWING AROUND THE WORD "STALKER" LIKE IT'S GOING OUT OF STYLE

- STEEL MAGNOLIAS VS. THE GUY WHO STEALS ELECTIONS; SOUTHERN WOMEN GROWING TIRED OF BUSH A GOOD SEVEN YEARS AFTER THE REST OF US

-FIRST PICTURES OF JOHN TRAVOLTA IN DRAG FOR NEW "HAIRSPRAY" MOVIE LEAKED; JENN'S LONG-HELD OPINION THAT KENICKIE WAS THE HOTTEST T-BIRD AT RYDELL HIGH SOLIDIFIED

-LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE MOST UNFORTUNATE MAN IN THE WORLD

-PARIS HILTON ARRESTED FOR DUI, ALCOHOL FILLS VOID WHERE TALENT MIGHT OTHERWISE BE

-I HAVE NO CLUE IDEA WHY THIS IS A GOOD IDEA FOR A HOTEL

-WARREN BUFFETT ACTS LIKE A GRUMPY OLD MAN, SURPRISES NO ONE

HAPPY LABOR DAY!

...and still unemployed. Thanks for rubbing it in my face, government.










I miss school.