HAPPY (belated) HALLOWEEN

Scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaary!

This was my first Halloween in HALF A DECADE that I haven't been on a college campus, so I was shocked to discover that the holiday is more about going to neighbor's houses to get candy, and less about going to the neighborhood bar to get candy-flavored liquor. Also, were you aware that costumes are typically scary and not skanky? I was shocked. I really missed seeing how creative people can be by making seemingly innocuous occupations suddenly risque (i.e. "Sexy Nurse", "Sexy Firefighter", "Sexy Janitor", "Sexy Cable-Repair Person").

I have a confession, though. I totally dressed up my dog. But because he is gigantic, none of those store-bought costumes would fit on him and I didn't want to give him a complex or make him feel fat, so I opted for fairy wings (yes, he's a male dog, no, I don't see anything wrong with putting pink fairy wings on him because he is the biggest dog on the block and if the other animals in the neighborhood start spreading rumors about his masculinity, I'm fairly certain he can take them). We got literally FIVE trick or treaters (our house is off a pipe stem, on a private drive), two in one group and three in another. The group of three were guys that were taller than me, and had to be pushing 20. I have a motto about this: "If you have cleavage in your costume or had to shave in order to put on that mask, you are too old to be knocking on my door and demanding candy".

Maybe it was my lack of make-up that scared the children away...

Before you cry "animal cruelty!", the dog DID NOT EVEN REALIZE HE HAD THE WINGS ON. Seriously, he's not the sharpest tool in the box, and he didn't even know until I took them off of him, and then he tried to eat them.

Max, waiting for the trick or treaters that never came. It's important to note that I wore these wings one year at school, and I have super-broad man shoulders, but they BARELY fit him. He's like a horse, for serious.

blogging bytes

I have many disjointed things scurrying through my little brain (much like that horrifically disturbing mouse with the ear attached to it's back that terrified me on Nip/Tuck this week). Let's do some housecleaning, shall we?

1. I've discovered and isolated a New Pet Peeve, and here it is: when people look at my feet when I am wearing tall boots (this never seems to happen with heels, just boots) and say "Geez, Jenn. Like you need the height or something". I find this pertains especially to my Giant Gestapo-meets-90's-grunge-movement Black Sketcher Boots that put me at like 6'1-ish (they are platform-y. Wow, I've made them sound hideous and crazy, no? But they're totally cute and normal looking, really). I HATE this because it makes no sense. Do short women wear heels just so they can like reach things off of high shelves? Why don't they just master the delicate art of stilt-walking? And then they can dress like Uncle Sam and walk around fairs and carnivals freaking people the hell out and forcing me to resist the urge to try and tip them over, and that's very hard for me sometimes.


2. I had a crush on Tom Petty when I was 12 and obsessed with his CD "Wildflowers"-actually, I had a tape that I played in my electric yellow Walkman, as I am old.

Then one day I was like "oh, hey dad, I've just discovered this great new musician named Tom Petty, you probably have never heard of him as he is very cutting edge and I am a super cool 90's kid and you are old" and he was like "Um, Jennifer, he's older than me, and he's been around since the 70's" and then I was like "oh, whatever, I don't even care, I will go listen to my Spin Doctors and UB40 tapes because those bands are awesome and will surely stand the test of time (I had both of those tapes as well, thankssoverymuch)", but I never stopped loving Tom Petty. Look how pretty he was about 10 years before I was born! Note: this little factoid doesn't have much to do with anything, I just founded the picture and needed a vehicle through which to display it.

3. In a previous blog post, I erroneously referred to my dear friend Natalie as lacking in class because she disliked a classy movie and pretends to "bake" pies by pouring pre-made Jell-o into a pre-made pie crust and claiming to be Wolfgang Puck. Clearly, I was very, very wrong. I would like to extend a formal retraction, and not because she has been yelling at me and whining about the blog post for like 8 days straight now. Because I was wrong. She is very, very, very, VERY classy. She is also batshit crazy. But NEVER un-classy!

4. Ok, in #3 I called Natalie "batshit crazy". This is not true either. She is only mildly crazy. Let's say 37% crazy, and the rest percent that I refuse to calculate is crazy FUN (as in where else would I find someone who says "sure, let's go!" in reference to driving to French Lick, IN, driving to Cincinnati from Bloomington for ONE DAY just to go shopping, and driving to the movie theater to see School of Rock. For the 43nd time).

5. I also must say hello (or extend a "shout-out", as the kids say these days) to Ariel, who was in town this weekend and joined me and the ever-so-classy Natalie (NOT SARCASTIC!! SARSERIOUS!!!) for a less than classy dinner last night. Ariel, who reads my blog and always says nice things about it even though she has a far more interesting life, has funny stories to tell regarding candy corn being caught in places where candy corn shouldn't, and would probably never be caught dead wearing what I am wearing right now to type this entry (a turquoise, inside-out Indiana t-shirt, men's Abercrombie sweatpants that I am not sure from where I procured, a neon-green headband, and zit-cream, in case you needed a visual. Also, on an un-related note, how come no one ever tells you that you will sometimes need zit-cream after your teens? This is a dirty secret that no one wants to discuss. So now I have to worry about moisturizing my wrinkles and clearing up pimples. FABULOUS).

I even used a guillotine-related pun!

So allegedly I have this gig (YES! I have been waiting to use that word for like 15 years now) writing movie/tv reviews for a website. They'll run every other Wednesday, and you can find the first one here. It's on Marie Antoinette, which I loved but Natalie hated. Look, everyone is entitled to their own tastes, but I will say this: one of us is notoriously classy than the other, and it's not the one who "baked" a pie by pouring already-made jello pudding into a pie-crust and serving it to me and Eric...

Something to consider:

-Maybe don't wear the "ultra low-rise" jeans on the day that you have to do CPR training. It's hard to un-obstruct an airway when you're worrying about exposing your underwear to the entire room.

Also, if I am ever in the position to have to help a chocking infant? I will need to be hospitalized for a nervous breakdown shortly after. No joke, I literally almost started crying just from practicing with the doll. I don't want to hit a baby in the back with the heel of my hand, ever.

On an unrelated note, I have no clue what those candy corn pumpkins are made of (nor do I care to find out), but they're pretty much my most favorite unidentified food item.

THERE ARE NO TOMATOES WHERE THERE SHOULD BE AND THE CHANCES OF ME MARRYING T.R. KNIGHT ARE SLIM TO NONE

or "WHY THIS DAY SUCKS MORE THAN OTHER DAYS"

...is what I say to today (the expression is a charming melee of "scared", "sad", and "goddamnit, now my lips are trying to escape my face, what more could possibly go wrong?").

1. Subway ran out of tomatoes. Could the 10 year old kid making my VEGETARIAN sub have told me this when I first told him that the sandwich would consist solely of vegetables? ONE WOULD THINK. I just ate lettuce, onions, and honey mustard on bread (ooo, want to make out? I bet my breath is kicking).

2. A guy at Starbucks STOLE MY COFFEE (today was rough for me and restaurants). The lady who made my drink called out "tall, nonfat, no-whip white chocolate mocha" (shut up, I drank it black when I was 15-trying for some growth stunt-age action- I'm allowed to drink frilly things now) and this guy grabbed it and peaced out the door. I thought it was weird that he ordered the exact same thing, but whatev. Then they called "sugar-free blah blah blah" and I knew then that my coffee had been abducted and I was left with the order of an old bald guy (not that there's anything wrong with that- I'm just giving you a physical description in case you see this dude and you can steal my coffee back from him and then maybe give him a kick to the face or something for retribution).

3. I went to look at cars ( I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and Big Red totally knew about it and was a total bitch to me and almost left me stranded in the middle of the forest on a winding, scary road. Seriously, anyone know what to do when a car vibrates, shakes, and then revs it's engine by itself and then flashes the 4-wheel drive lights on and off? No? Ok, then be prepared to see me driving in this one when I am 80 and everyone else is flying in hovercrafts.

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels...

These are a few of my favorite things!

Favorite Flavor

Favorite Coconut Soap

Favorite Monument

Favorite George Harrison (30-something, post Beatles George)

Favorite Flowers (calla lillies, but no one has ever given them to me EVER!)

( ok, not my all-time favorite perfume but it was discontinued and then I found it on Grand Cayman so I'm kind of in love with it all over again)

Favorite Beatles Album/Favorite Creepy Album Cover

Orbit Sweet Mint, Favorite Gum

Favorite Smell, And Favorite Way To Avoid Skin That Looks Like A Coach Bag

Favorite Piece Of Crap SUV

Favorite Substitute Teacher

Favorite Badass Guitar God

Favorite Brother

Favorite Makeup-less Photo Of Myself (And The Only One That Will Ever See The Light Of Day)

Favorite Drink (Margarita, rocks NOT frozen, and sometimes I just crave the salt)

A quick one (while he's away, if you're a Who fan...)

Oh no, I crossed the line into 60's/70's rock dork-itude with that title, didn't I? Anyway, I need a reality check. I was just watching "American Justice" (ok, I watch it every single time it is on and Tivo all episodes. Bill Kurtis narrates my dreams), and a prosecutor just said this:

"Who among us can honestly say that we've never grabbed our child by the arm, or thrown a child on a bed?"

Ooooookay, so. I grew up around children, until 2 years ago there was always a kid under 10 in my house. I've also worked with children for like 10 years. So I'm not sure if I have a different perspective or what, but seriously? Seriously?! Ok, to the first one: um, hopefully all of us in this imaginary poll can say we've never done that. Do people really not know that the only time when it is ok to grab a kid by the arm is when there is like a bus about to hit him, or he is dangling off a cliff (and if either of those things happen while you're in charge, you are NOT A GOOD GUARDIAN). NEVER ever ever ever pick a child up by the arm; kids, especially young ones, get dislocated shoulders/injured elbows (nursemaid's elbow, grotesquely named) like it's their job (eww, what a terrible career choice). You really shouldn't even do that thing in movies where two parents are walking on the beach with their kid, each holding an arm while the child swings in between them and maybe their Golden Retriever frolics in the waves of the ocean.

As for the second question... I can't even think of an emergency situation where it is ok to hurl your child onto the bed. Unless, like, the carpet was on fire. In which case you should probably be fleeing the room.



People are ridiculous.

We're bringing haberdashery back...

Something to note: when my mom took this picture, she actually said to me "what's up with the chin"? I know I've got a little Leno going on, but still, let's not be mean about it. Plus Caroline and I were going for the "ghetto" look that all the kids like these days (I'm not sure how my sister got the Kangol and I ended up wearing something that was forgotten and left under the table at the Mad Hatter's tea party, though).

Oh, Internet, I'm getting sick (I believe it's unrelated to that hat, but who's to say). I'm sitting here with my 18th cup of chamomile tea, nyquil, claritin, Flintstone's vitamins (NO JUDGMENT, find me a grown-up multi-vitamin without fish oil in it and we'll talk), and echinacea/goldenseal capsules that I bought a few months ago at Whole Foods and I SWEAR TO GOD, PEOPLE they work. They work, work, work. Note my confidence in the fact that I, a Journalism major who only passed science classes by the grace of God and a hell of a lot of tutoring, can cure the common cold that modern medicine can not.

Tradition

The open collar is a bit much, no? Why cover the head if you're going to expose the hairy man cleavage, my Jewish brother? 'Tis hardly kosher...

So Fiddler on the Roof was on yesterday (Sundance channel employee #1: so, it's that Jew holiday today...Sundance channel employee #2: we must have some Jewish movie somewhere that we can put on for them to enjoy while they are all in synagogue and without televisions) and I totally Tivo-ed it. Because I hadn't seen it in a billion years and as a Jew I am required to watch it every time it is on and then feel guilty about something. Some observations:

1. There's a scene where Tevye is at some farm getting milk and cheese. And there's a pig. Now, why would there be a pig at a Jewish farm? Maybe I'm missing some obvious reason, but I can't quite figure it out.

2. I love that Starsky (or is it Hutch? I get confused) is in it, looking all Steve Guttenberg-esque and helping the community to break thousand year-old codes/laws concerning modesty and conduct (dancing with the middle, doughy-faced daughter? Ooooooh, so un-cool, man. And tricking the rabbi into dancing and TOUCHING the daughter, eeek-for you goys out there, ultra-orthodox won't shake hands/even allow their arms to accidentally touch a member of the opposite sex).

3. I find Topol a liiiiitle tiny bit attractive (it might be the hot dance moves, though, who's to say).

4. Why do the non-Jewish Russians all have super thick accents, but the Jewish Russians, who live 4 minutes down the dirt road, almost all speak like Americans?

Maybe I have way too much time on my hands (whatever, when you can't eat or drink or do fun things, sometimes you have to watch musicals, it's just a fact).

Yom Kippur: The Greatest Hits

Google Yom Kippur images and this will come up. I think it's fairly awesome.

In honor of the impending Day of Atonement, I present you with great moments of Yom Kippur past:

-Y.K. 1996- my algebra teacher suggests that "all you Jewish kids can get together on your DAY OFF and do the project at the library". I have to educate the 673 year old woman and tell her that a.) we are in synagogue literally all day, b.) I don't write, and my parents won't drive on the holiday, c.) I'll be too busy asking God to LET ME LIVE ANOTHER YEAR and d.) you suck and it's making me sad.

-Y.K. 1993-ish- because I am not of fasting age yet, I go over to my partner-in-crime's house (duh, Karlyn, who else did I cause trouble with back in the day) where we invent a game that involved standing on chairs in her basement and hitting some kind of beach ball back and forth, resulting in me falling down (I know, I wasn't always this graceful) and chipping a tooth.

-Y.K. 200Idon'tremember-I sleep through Neilah (or however one might choose to spell it), wake up at like 11 at night, stand up, then almost fall over and die because the fast is long over and it's been like 30 hours since I've had food or water.


Have an easy fast, chosen kids, and a happy new year!

The WEEKLY TV Quizdown!

1. The worst thing that happened to Willows during that ONE day on CSI was:
a.) getting roofied
b.) possibly getting raped
c.) waking up in a hotel room by herself and having to do her own rape kit
d.) having someone drive their car into hers (hitting the driverseat door) on purpose, resulting in the deployment of air-bags and many injuries
e.) her daughter being kidnapped
f.) her father smacking her in the face
g.) in public
h.) really, really hard
i.) her father receiving nude pictures of her
j.) someone shooting her father right on the Strip
h.) her father bleeding to death in her arms

2. The most unintentionally funny part of the Brothers and Sisters premiere was:
a.) Tom Skerritt having a heart attack and tipping into the pool and DYING
b.) The fact that we're supposed to believe that Calista Flockhart is the younger sister of Rachel Griffiths, who is in actuality four years younger than Flockhart and looks it.
c.) The idea that we are supposed to find a main character who is both a cold, frigid, conservative radio personality AND Calista Flockhart likeable.
d.) Tom Skerritt having a heart attack and then TIPPING OVER INTO THE FREAKING POOL FROM A SITTING POSITION (I don't think you understand the comedy gold right there. He was SITTING DOWN and then just TIPPED RIGHT OVER).

3. True or False: The reason that Addison wore that hat on Grey's was because her Skipper costume was at the cleaners and going as Ginger to the make believe Halloween party in her head would be just way too obvious

4. Pick the exact moment when Nip/Tuck jumped the shark:
a.) when the dwarf nanny and the mom had an erotic BREAST-FEEDING moment!!!!
b.) when the nurse went home with the lady in the bar and woke up...WITHOUT A KIDNEY!!!!
c.) when they showed Melissa Gilbert's breast...AND IT WAS MISSING A NIPPLE BECAUSE IT GOT BITTEN OFF BY A DOG !!!!(you guys, I didn't even know that getting a nipple torn off was a big fear of mine, but apparently it really, really is)
d.) when we discovered that her nipple was bitten off BECAUSE SHE HAD SEX WITH HER DOG!!!!
e.) when her husband showed up in the exam room...AND THREW THE DEAD DOG THAT HE HAD KILLED ONTO THE BED!!!
f.) actually, it didn't jump the shark at all and why the hell didn't I start watching this show early because my God, it is glorious

5. Next week on Project Runway, Uli will design:
a.) a flowing, hippie dress with a crazy tie-dye print
b.) a flowing, hippie dress with a crazy Pucci-esque print
c.) a flowing, hippie dress with a crazy tie-dye print but, ha ha! It's short, which definitely makes it a cocktail dress, definitely.
d.) she won't design anything, and instead will explain to me what the HELL is up with Jeffrey's giant neck/lack of chin, because you guys it is CRAZY and NO ONE wants to talk about it!!!

Uh...why is my horoscope so mean?

"TAURUS: It's a miracle you can get anything done right now, what with Mercury going retrograde in your seventh house towards the end of the month. You'll be pining for past loves-which is all fun and games until your current partner gets hurt. Do try your best to prevent that, little horned one, ok? Turn your amorous thoughts to the present, and the rest of the month will be just fine."

First of all, "little horned one"? Really? And the whole "it's all fun and games" part makes me feel like I am being scolded by some 80 year old school teacher. And how is pining necessarily so bad if it doesn't result in anything? I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who tried to control my thoughts anyway.


Nothing much to write about, but here are 2 Random Thoughts for the day:

-While driving this evening I FINALLY got the chorus to "Are You Experienced?" (it's a Jimi Hendrix song, I'll pretend that none of you needed me to tell you that because if you did it might make me want to cry a little bit, and then lecture you a little and I'm concerned that people sometimes think I'm bossy, so I'd hate for it to come to that). It always bugged me because I felt like it was awkward and weirdly repetitive ("Are you experienced?/Well, have you ever been experienced?") and then all of a sudden I got it and then I giggled because it's kind of dirty AND clever, and I'm a sucker for dirty, clever things (ok, the first line means are you experienced at doing "things", and the second line means "has anyone experienced you?", right?!!? I felt a little like a genius, so pretend like you didn't already know that, ok?)

-Have you ever had a moment when you stop and realize that you don't even recognize yourself? I had one the other day. My dog (see, that STILL seems weird to type, because HELLO I hate animals and nature) was sick so I took him to the vet, where I pretend to know things about dogs. I took him by myself, which sounds unimpressive until I remind you that he is a giant and can pull me in basically any direction that he desires (and it's usually in the direction of any bush/tree/pole/WALL that he can pee on) and he gets really nervous at the vet ( I decided it's because it reminds him of the animal shelter, but keep in mind that I totally made that up so who knows) and tries to SIT IN MY LAP resulting in punctured clothing and legs. We didn't see his regular vet; instead, I ended up struggling to keep my 90 pound dog from jumping off the exam table and into my arms as the freaking Dog Whisperer of Springfield tried to chart his family tree and actually asked Max "if he had any husky in him" and waited for a response. I swear he gave me a wtf? look when she said "what gave you this height? Doberman, maybe...". So then I go out to the waiting area, and Max is CRAZY, pulling me over to the door, first sitting (which we make him do before he goes out the door so he doesn't plow anyone down) and then actually USING HIS TWO FRONT PAWS TO PUSH THE DOOR OPEN. Everyone thought he was a genius and he literally scared the piss out of a tiny dog and I kept telling him "hold on, I have to pay, wait one minutes" because I am a crazy lady who talks to her pet and thinks he has the mental capacity to reason when all of a sudden he circled right in the middle of the floor and then...had an incident. A large, disgusting, horrific incident. And as I was cleaning the liquid crap off the floor of the waiting room, I suddenly had a moment where I didn't recognize myself. Because 2005 Jenn? Probably wouldn't even pet a dog. But 2006 Jenn LIES DOWN ON THE FLOOR with her dog and goes out on dates with yellow dog hair all over her black turtle-neck (although maybe 2006 Jenn didn't realize it and it was totally fresh out of the wash and could she help it if she needed to hug the dog before she left? No, she could not) and goes to dog parks and is driving around with a "Beauty and the Beast" sheet covering her back seat because her dog doesn't like the feel of the leather. I don't know how this happened.

PLEASE NOTE the absence of job (or lack thereof) discussion in this post. It's for a reason. And that reason is my sanity. The end.

I, too, kinda like the Beatles

Aaaaaaany excuse for a picture of Mr. Harrison. Shameless, really.

Hello! Did all you chosen folk have a happy Rosh Hashanah? Did anyone else get honey in their hair? No? Just me, then? Ok, moving right along!

So today I would like to discuss something that's been bothering me, and it has to do with the Three Dog Night song "Never Been To Spain". I KNOW, you have all probably discussed this to death ( I mean, show me one person who doesn't like a good lyrical analysis of a classic TGN song), but humor me, k? Let's look at the lyrics:

Well I never been to Spain
But I kinda like the music
Say the ladies are insane there
And they sure know how to use it
They don't abuse it
Never gonna lose it
I can't refuse it (Ok, makes sense, Spanish music is nice, I guess, plus I adore the little internal-ish rhyme with Spain and insane, so carry on)

Well I never been to England
But I kinda like the Beatles... (sure, the Beatles were from England, makes sense again)

Well I never been to Heaven
But I been to Oklahoma (uuuuuhhhh....WHAT?)

GRANTED, I have never been to Oklahoma. I have, however, lived in the Midwest for 5 years, and have spent time in Indiana, Illinois, Ohio, Kentucky, and Missouri. And I assure you, heaven is not located in the middle of this country. Corn, yes. Redneck waiters who will make anti-Semitic comments, sure (what up, Louisville). An abundance of Klan members, of course. But heaven? Nooooooo.

Please explain this song to me. No, really, cause it's killing me.

The Thursday Night TV Quizdown!!

1. Name 3 new stereotypes that you learned from watching Survivor: Segregation Island (example: "White people don't understand why sleeping on wet ground will make you wet, but sleeping on a platform raised off the wet ground won't" or "Hispanic people are terrible at throwing challenges" or "African-Americans are notoriously good at gathering tiles with a story written on them and then arranging them in the proper order"):

2. Who's cuter than Jim?
a.) no one
b.) no one
c.) possibly, POSSIBLY George from Grey's but not with that ridiculous short hair
d.) actually, no, no one is cuter than Jim

3. True or False: Jamie Presley is a little TOO believable as white trash

4. Apparently no one cares about Burke anymore. Where was he during the first 56 minutes of the episode?
a.) in the underground bunker that formerly housed Suri
b.) figuring out a way to surgically remove Meredith's vocal chords without her knowing because DEAR GOD is she annoying as hell
c.) he got lost and ended up on E.R.
d.) preparing for Rosh Hashanah (dude, they sat shivah, they may as well do the new year too)

5.) Complete the sentence: The reason Jenn got bored with C.S.I. during the first 4 minutes was ______ (hint: she hates circuses/acrobatics even more than she wants Meredith and McBoring to fall off the ferry, never to be seen again)

Things That Are Stupid, Part 1

I went to the Dreaded New Wing At Tysons That I Refuse To Go To On Principle Because When I Was 14 I Had To Hang Out At Springfield Mall And Risk Being Stuck In The Middle Of A Gang War While These Stupid Spoiled Kids Today Have A Fancy Mall. I went to Old Navy, because I am fancy that way. When I went to pay for my merchandise, I noticed something stupid; next to every register was a two liter bottle of Pepsi with a handwritten sign on it saying something like "If we don't ask you to sign-up for an Old Navy card, this Pepsi is YOURS!"

This is stupid for 3 reasons:
1. I don't believe this is some kind of Old Navy corporate move; it looked more like some overzealous jackass manager wanted to humiliate his employees. There was a handwritten note scotch-taped to a bottle of soda, guys.
2. Who the hell wants to carry around a two-liter bottle of soda when they are shopping in the mall? I avoid carrying around too much make-up in my purse when I'm shopping, why would I want to carry a gigantic bottle of soda with me? That seems more like a punishment than a prize.
3. Who is really motivated by Pepsi anyway? It's a poor man's Coke, let's be honest. Throw some of this in, however, and we can work something out.


I also wanted to let you all know about my trip to the new Victoria's Secret-you know, the one that looks like a brothel and features practically nude mannequins posing on all fours- and how I had to buy a bra from a BOY that could not be more than 16, and I am dead serious. He smiled at me and gave me the creeps. First of all, I hate buying lingerie from men. But I think the bigger issue here is the fact that I feel pretty strongly that someone who can't buy a ticket to an R-rated movie shouldn't know my bra size.